How to Confront an Abusive Person
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
It is hard to confront an abusive person, especially when it
is a spouse, parent, employer, or child and the relationship is not easily
banished. Sometimes the abuse is so intense, that the relationship must be
dissolved for the safety of the victim. Other times, the abuse may be mild but
nonetheless is hurtful and harmful in several ways. Here are some suggestions
for handling abusive people:
1.
See it. There
are seven main ways a person can be abused: physically, mentally, verbally,
emotionally, financially, spiritually, and sexually. Begin to see the different
types of abuse for what they are. At the beginning, this is done long after the
abuse has occurred. Eventually, awareness can happen while it is occurring. Here
are a few examples from each category.
a.
Physical abuse includes: intimidating body
language, isolating person from others, restraining to keep from leaving, being
aggressive and endangering another life.
b.
Mental abuse includes: gaslighting (changing the
story to make someone think they are crazy), threatening stare, silent
treatment, twisting the truth, manipulating, and playing the victim card.
c.
Verbal abuse includes: raging, screaming,
swearing, talking over, sarcasm, interrogating, making personal attacks,
browbeating, and playing the blame game.
d.
Emotional abuse includes: nitpicking,
embarrassing someone to cause shame, guilt tripping, alienation from friends
and family, and excessive use of anxiety, anger, fear or rejection.
e.
Financial abuse includes: stealing, forbidding
access to funds, canceling policies without warning, falsifying tax records,
restricting the other person’s career progress and interfering with work
environments.
f.
Spiritual abuse includes: dichotomous thinking,
elitist beliefs, forcing submission, legalistic standards, segregation from
others, blind obedience and abuse of authority.
g.
Sexual abuse includes: jealous rages, coercion
tactics to insist on sex, threatening infidelity, inciting fear before or
during sex, sexual withdraw, degrading acts, ultimatums on the other person’s body,
and rape.
2.
Speak
it.
This step requires quite a bit of courage and strength. It first begins by
having the victim speak the type of abuse tactic being used in their mind.
Repeat this exercise over and over to gain the necessary bravery before
addressing an abuser. This is not a harsh speak (there is no benefit to be
gaining by being just as abusive as an abuser), rather it is a soft approach.
The intent is to bring awareness to the abuser that they are being abusive and
allow them to back off or save face. If this method does not work, move on to
the next step. Here are a few examples of how to address the abuse.
a.
Physical. “You are physically restraining me by
blocking the door.”
b.
Mental. “That stare is not going to intimidate
me.”
c.
Verbal. “It is not ok for you to call me that
name.”
d.
Emotional. “I am not embarrassed by that story.”
e.
Financial. “When the taxes aren’t paid, that is
stealing.”
f.
Spiritual. “I don’t agree with those legalistic
standards.”
g.
Sexual. “I won’t be coerced into doing a sexual
act that I’m not comfortable with.”
3.
Stress
it.
The soft approach did not work and the abuse is continuing. As the abuser
shatters boundaries, the victim needs to begin by saying, “I’m not going to
take this anymore.” Now is the time to add more weight to the statements by
letting the abuser know there are consequences for violating personal
boundaries. Of course, this means the victim must be aware of their own
boundaries first. Here are a couple of examples:
a.
Physical boundary: “No one is going to touch me
in a threatening manner.”
i.
Consequence: “This relationship is over if you
physically try to harm me.”
b.
Mental boundary: “I’m not going to tolerate an
implication that I’m crazy.”
i.
Consequence: “I’m not listening to this
revisionism and I’m walking away.”
c.
Verbal boundary: “I’m not going to shout just
because someone else is.”
i.
Consequence: “Either you speak to me in a normal
tone or we will not speak at all.”
d.
Emotional boundary: “I won’t be guilt tripped
into doing something.”
i.
Consequence: “You cannot make me feel guilty and
I will not do something out of fear.”
e.
Financial boundary: “No one is going to harm my
ability to work.”
i.
Consequence: “My work environment is off limits
to you.”
f.
Spiritual boundary: “No one is going to tell me
what to believe.”
i.
Consequence: “I will not engage in discussions
about this subject with you.”
g.
Sexual boundary: “I won’t be forced into
performing sexual acts.”
i.
Consequence: “I am not having sex when I’m
uncomfortable.”
4.
Stand
by it. Once a
consequence has been stated, it must be carried out if the abuse continues.
Otherwise, the abuser will just intensify the abuse next time. It is important
to have someone hold the victim accountable for their boundary setting and
enforcement. This gives the much needed support when the victim is again being
attacked by the abuser.
The only way abuse stops is for
people to stand up to it. While this is difficult, it is not impossible. It is
possible to have a relationship that is free from abusive behavior.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, or for more helpful resources, please visit us at www.lifeworksgroup.org.