7 Tactics Narcissists Use to Escape Responsibility
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Ask a narcissist if they are dependable and they will say,
“I’m the most responsible person you know, you can always count on me.” And
they can be. But when the rubber meets the road (an old saying about being put
to the test), narcissists seem to wiggle out of accountability. Why?
Narcissists will gladly be responsible for the things they
deem worthy, especially when it provides an opportunity to be the center of
attention. However, when others place responsibility on the narcissist, the
narcissist sees this as an attempt to control them. This violates one of their
personal mantras: no one will have power over them. So they escape from all
liability. How?
1. Intimidate/Blame. The narcissist begins by bullying the person
endeavoring to hold them accountable. Frequently they resort to name calling
and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. Once a subordinate
position has been established, they blame the person for attempting to make the
narcissist look less than superior.
2. Accuse/Project. To circumvent any accountability, the
narcissist preempts the attack by accusing another person. Usually they pick an
overly responsible, co-dependent person who idolizes the narcissist. Then the
narcissist projects the things they are answerable for onto the other person.
Thus escaping before the attack.
3. Argue/Exhaust. This is the simplest tactic with great
immediate results. When confronted, the narcissist picks one small detail and
argues it to the umpteenth degree. If the other person argues back, they pick
another tiny point and persistently wear down their opponent. Exhausted,
frustrated, and annoyed, the other person gives up holding the narcissist liable.
4. Deny/Rewrite. One way of avoiding responsibility is for the
narcissist to deny they have any. Even if the item is written down, the
narcissist will make excuses and rewrite history. Frequently they take the
victim role by saying they were forced into being held accountable when in
actuality they willingly did so. This tactic often leaves the other person
questioning themselves and their memory.
5. Divert/Attack. This method begins with an outburst over
something very insignificant. Then, the narcissist exaggerates the point to
incite the other person and draw their attention away from what really is
happening. Whenever the narcissist is fueling a small fire, it is to keep the
focus off the inferno somewhere else. The diversion is done to drain resources,
energy, and time so the narcissist can attack when the other person is
vulnerable.
6. Fear/Avoid. Narcissists have the ability to take a
person’s small fear and turn it into paranoia. Their charisma is put to
destructive uses as they weave a believable story with an intense dreadful
outcome. Once the other person is frightened, the narcissist uses the other
person’s terror as justification for avoiding responsibility. They often cite
that the other person is reactionary and therefore any requests from the other
person should be discounted.
7. Rescue/Retreat. This tactic is the most manipulative of bunch.
First the narcissist rescues the other person from a dreadful situation. Having
gained the other person’s loyalty, the narcissist waits. Eventually the other
person confronts the narcissist about a lack of responsibility and then the
narcissist retreats. The withholding of love/attention/time is so dramatic that
the other person becomes horrified and assumes responsibility so that the
narcissist will return. Once secured, the narcissist then accuses the other
person of not appreciating the rescue. The other person feels bad and succumbs
to the wishes of the narcissist even further.
While
this article was written with narcissists in mind, several other personality disorders
use a couple of these tactics as well. Anti-social (sociopaths and
psychopaths), histrionic, borderline, obsessive compulsive, paranoid and
passive-aggressive personality disorders all utilize portions of these methods
as well.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.