7 Ways Ex-Narcissists Retaliate Through Children
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
Divorcing a
narcissist doesn’t solve everything. While the day-to-day distance can elevate
the stress, anxiety, depression, and frustration of living with a narcissist,
it doesn’t stop them from being narcissistic. The next party on the
victimization list is often the children. But really, the narcissist is just
using the children to attack the ex-spouse (ES). Here’s how:
1. Projection – Ex-Narcissists (EN) tells children
that it is really the ES who is the narcissist. Any negative narcissistic
traits are projected onto the ES, while the positive traits are preserved. For instance,
an EN will claim the ES has no empathy and doesn’t understand what the children
are feeling. However, the house they have is because of the EN’s achievements,
not the joint effort of the prior marriage. It doesn’t matter what the truth is
to the narcissist, it only matters how they can twist the truth to look
superior.
2. Unnecessary
Generosity – When a
narcissist can be recognized or admired for their generosity, they can be very
lavish with gifting. This is usually done at random times so as to draw even
greater amounts of attention. The recipient children in turn feed the EN’s ego
with gratitude and feel a sense of obligation to be on the EN’s side. However,
once the devotion has dried up, the EN becomes angry and sometimes takes the
gift back. The EN will say, “The child never thanked me,” even when they did.
This statement is said to elicit more praise, adoration, and keep the child
committed to the EN.
3. Excessive
Discipline – On the
opposite extreme of generosity is disproportionate discipline for minor
infractions. The oscillating tactics of extravagant generosity verses excessive
discipline keeps the child on edge. While the generosity inspires devotion
(pulling the child in closer), the discipline sparks fear (pushing the child
away). This mental abuse tactic is called push-pull. No doubt, this aggravates
the ES who experienced and now despises witnessing it through the children. The
EN knows this bothers the ES but does it anyway to maintain control of both the
children and the ES.
4. Dream
Stealer – If the ES
expressed a wish to take a European vacation, the EN will make it happen with the
children and probably the new spouse. The EN will claim that the dream was
their’s but it wasn’t. This tactic is done to show off to the ES. It also
serves as a reminder that had they stayed, they too could be going on the trip.
Of course, the ES won’t deny their children such a trip so they are forced to
concede and let the children go. Any complaining by the ES comes off as sour
grapes and only makes the EN look better. This is a checkmate maneuver.
5. Gaslighting – A favorite line of the EN is, “That
never happened, your mother/father (the ES) is making that up, they are crazy.”
Without the filter of the ES present, the EN literally rewrites history and uses
the push-pull tactic to cement the revision. When the ES protests the
alteration, the EN blames the child for exaggerating. The confused child feels
stuck between both parents, unsure which one to believe. This is a precursor to
future anxiety issues in the child.
6. Silent
Treatment – Most ENs are
talented in utilizing the silent treatment to get what they want by withholding
love or affection. In a divorce situation, this tactic changes slightly. Now
the EN will demand the ES contact them when the child is away from the EN.
However, the EN will not do the same thing in return. When confronted, the EN makes
excuses, blames the children, and deflects responsibility. Then the EN states
the ES is just being demanding, controlling, manipulative, and overbearing. This
silence is a constant reminder and fear that the ES has little to no control
when the children are with the EN.
7. Wrongful
Punishment – When the EN
becomes angry with the ES, the EN unjustly punishes the undeserving and
unprotected children. This attack is so blatant that the ES and the children easily
recognize it. But since the ES is out of reach of the EN, the EN goes after the
closest target, the children. The children know they are being punished for the
ES’s behavior. Sadly instead of becoming angry with the EN, the children become
resentful of the ES for the lack of protection. This further alienates the ES
from their kids.
Recognizing
these seven ways can help an ES regain some amount of control over the
situation. Better yet, having a therapist point out these methods to the children
can prevent years of unnecessary anxiety.