How Entitlement Thinking is Destroying Your Kids and Their Future Success in Life
By: Dwight Bain, LMHC
There is a disease affecting almost every child in America, and it can’t be treated at any hospital. The disease is Entitlement Thinking and it crosses into every corner of our country with the attitude of being served and being given more and more to create happiness. Entitlement is the belief that someone automatically deserves special privileges and special treatment and can be identified by one or all of the following symptoms -
There is a disease affecting almost every child in America, and it can’t be treated at any hospital. The disease is Entitlement Thinking and it crosses into every corner of our country with the attitude of being served and being given more and more to create happiness. Entitlement is the belief that someone automatically deserves special privileges and special treatment and can be identified by one or all of the following symptoms -
Signs of Entitlement Thinking:
· I
want Everything now.
· I
don’t want to Work for it.
· I
don’t have to clean up my Mistakes.
· I
want things because Everyone else has it.
· I
expect someone else to Fix all my problems.
Psychologist Leon F.
Seltzer wrote this description of the disease in Psychology Today:
“Those ‘afflicted’ with a sense of entitlement demonstrate the attitude that
whatever they want, they deserve- and automatically at that, simply because
they are who they are. So anything they desire, whether material or relational,
should be theirs. It’s inherently justified; there’s no need to
actually earn it.” We all want what we want-and we want to have
it now, please. In our culture of plenty, immediate gratification is very
much a reality. We can make our dreams come true on multiple levels.”
Are you beginning to see the picture? Children
who are given too much, or who are protected from responsibility are actually
blocked from experiencing the confidence that can only come from effort. No
effort – no internal strength, so when a parent feels pity for a tired child
and sends them to bed while they stay up and complete the child’s science
project it actually hurts the child because they don’t learn anything;
(except that their mom will rescue them if they don’t plan out their time for
school projects properly).
While it is important to remember that
Entitlement Thinking can affect any age, it is most visible in those under the
age of twenty. Author Jon Krakauer describes it this way, “It is easy, when
you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you
deserve, to assume that if you want something badly enough, it is your
God-given right to have it.”
No one wants to parent an Entitled Child,
especially when they are at great risk of growing into an Entitled Adult living
off of their parents for financial support. It’s embarrassing and difficult to
break this pattern, that’s why it’s important to seriously address issues as
young as possible, and to set and enforce boundaries that bring emotional
strength instead of weakness.
Remember, it is not a sign of bad parenting to
confront issues, set boundaries and use the word “no”. In fact it may save your child’s life at some point
because they have learned the strength of having internal standards against the
pressure of their peer group. Parents sometimes cave in because they want to
become a friend to their child, instead of an authority source. Lisa Earle
McLead, wrote about this process in her book “The Triangle of Truth” where she observes that, “Childhood happiness has become the scorecard by
which adults measure their success or failure as parents… Constantly striving
to please your kids turns them into your boss. Their happiness becomes your
performance review.” You are required to be the parent, and often that
means setting the standard to bring strength, instead of being the buddy or
pal.
Parent Coach Amy McCready from Raleigh, North
Carolina is a national expert on the issues of breaking Entitlement Thinking.
Here is her list as a reference point of what not to do if you want
to see your children succeed in avoiding the entitlement trap.
11 Ways to Raise a Child Who is Entitled and Rude
1. Make
sure your kids have access to all the latest iDevice’s anytime they want
2. Do
everything within your power to prevent your kids from feeling pain
3. When
things aren’t going your way, point to the shortcomings of other people
4. Give
them money whenever they ask for it
5. Pay
for as many enrichment activities, tutors, and the best sports teams you can
afford
6. Give
your kids a break any time they ask to be excused from a task
7. Refuse
to consistently enforce bedtimes
8. Confide
in your kids as though they are your close friends
9. Don’t
insist kids write thank you notes
10. Make
sure they never have to do an entry-level or minimum wage job
11. Above
all, let them get out of doing any chores around the house
Do you see the absurdity of this type of parenting? While it
sounds silly, there are millions of homes that operate under the mindset of protecting
children from growing up by shielding them from taking on any type of adult
responsibility. This doesn’t help a child – it only makes them weaker. Amy goes
into this danger in her excellent book, “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic” where
she says, “Entitlement isn’t just a problem in our homes; it’s a
societal problem as well. Teachers and coaches report that students expect to
get A’s for C effort and a starting position on the team just for showing up.
When the test doesn’t go well, the “teacher doesn’t like me” or the “test was
unfair.” Friendships and relationships suffer as kids with a “me, me, me”
mentality lack empathy and a willingness to put others first. Employers
struggle to hire teens and young adults with the people skills and work ethic
to be successful. The bottom line is that entitled kids will one day grow into
narcissistic adults, demanding spouses and high-maintenance employees. That’s
certainly not what we want for our kids!”
She coaches and challenges parents to take bold
action to break the pattern of entitlement thinking before it becomes epidemic.
In traditional marriages, and especially blended families entitlement
thinking shows up in a multitude of behaviors. Do any of these situations sound
like what life in your home is like?
· You find
yourself exasperated at your children’s demands but caving anyway.
· You’re exhausted
keeping up with the house, but everyone’s too busy watching TV to help.
· You can’t make it
through the grocery store without buying a treat.
· You’re frequently
supplementing your kids’ allowance.
· You take
responsibility for your kids by doing things for them that you know they should
be able to do for themselves.
· You resort to bribes
or rewards to get cooperation from your kids.
· You frequently
rescue your kids by driving forgotten items to school or reminding them about
their deadlines.
· Your child
frequently takes issue with rules and expectations at school or in activities.
· Your child is quick
to blame others for anything that goes wrong.
· Your child tries to
manipulate others to get his way.
· Your child commonly
sulks or pitches a fit when she doesn’t get her way.
· Your child often
complains of being bored and wants to be entertained by you.
To learn more from Amy McCready and get free parenting tools,
visit: www.PositiveParentingSolutions.com orwww.AmyMcCready.com
“Never do for a child what he can do for himself. A “dependent”
child is a demanding child…Children become irresponsible only when we fail to
give them opportunities to take on responsibility.” – Rudolf Dreikurs and
Margaret Goldman
A significant part of success in the
adult world is learning how to earn income based on effort, instead of on
continual gifting where no effort or work on the part of the child is involved.
Here are some essential truths to begin teaching your children to break this
negative pattern and protect them from economic or financial hardship from not
knowing how to earn and manage their finances wisely.
· Money
doesn’t come easily.
· You
need to have Compassion for others (developing world problems)
· People
work hard to earn money; it’s a necessary part of life for adults
· If
you want something, you need to work to earn it.
· You
are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.
· Happiness
does not come in having more money.
· Responsibility
for Actions: there are consequences and rewards for our financial behavior that
can go on and create hardship for many years.
The
disease of Entitlement Thinking is common in our culture, but devastating to
relationships and even can block our spiritual connection to God. Listen to
these words from Pastor Charles R. Swindoll, “I'm here today to warn you: I
want you to watch out for the adversary. Guard yourself from any spirit of
entitlement.” Or listen to this even more direct confrontation from
Psychologist John Townsend, author of “The
Entitlement Cure” who wrote; “While
your child may be better in ability, she is no better intrinsically. In the
eyes of God, she is no better than anyone else, as the Lord is no respecter of
persons, (see Acts
10:34).
So, what can a parent
or grandparent do to break this dangerous process of Entitlement Thinking?
There are five areas to develop and reinforce to move your child toward success
instead of continually dependency on their parents. They are:
1. Attention – praise
instead of compliment
“Instead of communicating "I love you, so let me make life
easy for you," I decided that my message needed to be something more along
these lines: "I love you. I believe in you. I know what you're capable of.
So I'm going to make you work.” - Kay Wills Wyma
2. Affection, Gratitude and
Affirmation
“What separates
privilege from entitlement is gratitude.” - Brené Brown
3. Acceptance – you matter
to God and you matter to me
“Humility is simply accepting the
reality of who God is and who you are.” – John Townsend
4. Authority – in God
instead of setting yourself up as a “god”
“Legalism breeds a
sense of entitlement that turns us into complainers.” - Tullian Tchividjian, in
“Jesus + Nothing = Everything”
5. Accountability – responsible
to authority and rules, especially those of Scripture
God expects us to
spend time and energy carrying our loads of responsibility for family, finances
and other challenges. That’s how life works. - John Townsend
When you are able to
build on these 5 “A’s” in the life of your son or daughter, you will be
completely on track to guide a child into becoming an adult, which will give
them success in life, while making you one of the unusual parents who cared
enough to guide their child on a different path than others, but one that
guarantees greater success and happiness because it is built on effort and hard
work. John Townsend described it this way on the television show “FOX and
Friends” last week, where he said, “The Hard Way is the entitlement cure. It
is a path of behaviors and attitudes that undo the negative effects of
entitlement, whether in ourselves or in others.”
You have more power
to change than you realize and when you begin to read, think and perhaps even
reach out for some counseling or coaching you can see tremendous change as you
watch an entitled child become an empowered child on the path toward adulthood.
They may not thank you now as you implement boundaries to build strength, but
as King Solomon wrote so long ago in Proverbs 31:28, “They will rise up and
call you blessed.” You know you need to make some changes, so step up
- because it’s time to get started.
About the Author –
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life
Coach and Author who founded the Lifeworks Group 32 years ago. This group is
one of the oldest Christian counseling centers in Florida and has helped over
15,000 families find hope, help and healing. Access over 850 free Blogs and
YouTube training videos designed to solve stress now by giving you and those
you love to find greater strength at www.LifeWorksGroup.org