3 Reasons Good Girls Marry Bad Boys and Then Work Themselves to Death to Cover it Up
By: Dwight Bain, LMHC
Right now you know a
woman working at least two jobs, (not
counting parenting her children and running a household), who is married to
a “bad boy” who takes advantage of
her. I don’t mean domestic violence; it’s more subtle than that, because she
works incredibly hard to cover up how her partner is mean or unmotivated.
She may be a
co-worker, a sister, a neighbor or friend at church, but you know this woman
and you know she has a good heart. Here’s what you don’t know.
She’s hurting more
now than she ever has before. Why?
Because the reality of her desperate
situation creates crushing sadness
Bright women who
married the ‘bad boy’ every one
warned them about have a major problem. Deep down they usually believe they
really love the guy on the couch who won’t keep a job and expects her to fill
in the gaps for his irresponsibility.
This causes another
major problem, because they don’t want their children to suffer or do without
the basics, like new shoes, braces, school supplies or playing little league.
And so they do the only thing they think they can do- they work, and work and
then they work some more. Work is all they do because an average family needs
60-80 hours of income to take care of their home budget, which means that both
parents are working 30-40 hours per week, or one person is working two jobs just
trying to keep their family afloat.
Obviously not every
man who is out of work is a “bad boy”
partner who takes advantage of his good hearted wife, (why does that sentence sound like a country music lyric?) he could
be a great guy to everyone else, but who secretly makes life miserable for his
wife by demanding more. A “Bad boy” thinks he is right, in fact, he may be so
busy being “right” that he won’t do anything to support his wife or kids during
tough times. This leads to his wife feeling emotionally insecure that he would
ever provide for her and the kids.
This article isn’t
about irresponsible “Bad Boys” who figured it out, who found a mentor, or went
to counseling to gain some maturity, or even found God so they can live out the
words of their wedding vows to be there, ‘in
sickness and in health, for richer- for poorer’, This article is about a very different kind
of relationship and one that gets much worse during difficult economic times.
When a “Good Girl” meets and marries a “Bad Boy” it spirals down into disaster.
Let’s start by looking at both of the major problems this exhausted woman
faces, and then a third problem often overlooked.
1.
Bad Boys or just Lazy Losers?
First, what’s up with
the guy on the couch who isn’t providing enough income to meet the needs of his
family- what makes guys like this so unmotivated? Well, some guys are just
lazy- they grew up without any self-discipline, or self-respect and they just
won’t keep gainful employment or even help with chores around the house because
they expect their wife to do it all.
Their mother’s didn’t do them any favors since some guys never
grow up, and marry someone to take over where their over-committed mother left
off… they expect hot meals, clean clothes, healthy children, the bills to be
paid and someone to function as an attractive personal assistant- but they
refuse to give back anything to the relationship. This type of marriage isn’t a
partnership at all, it’s sort of like the medieval system of a master and peasant,
and the woman is basically expected to be a slave to meet his every need. 100%
about him- and 0% left for her. It’s like the “Me Channel” on Cable… “All
me – all the time.”
Then there is another group of unmotivated men who can’t keep a job, whom society labels, the ‘losers’. They may have failed in their education, or failed in their career aspirations, and have just given up on finding a stable job to meet the needs of their family. Some guys in this group will go out to work at a job well below their potential just to avoid feeling like a failure again, which is better than nothing, yet eventually the bills will overshadow the gap in their income, leading to another major financial failure if they don’t change, and more pressure for the good hearted woman who is carry the whole load– alone.
Often women want to
make excuses for their husbands continual failures, or blame it on his low
self-esteem, but there comes a time in life where a bad boy has to step up
to the plate to become a responsible man, which often means going out to
seek some professional help from others so he doesn’t fail again. However, many
times he just keeps repeating the same mistakes, which just dumps more problems
onto his wife to fix while he escapes by watching sports on TV or porn on the
computer.
It should be noted
that sometimes a “Bad Boy” stays
unmotivated because of substance abuse or addiction. Potheads, alcoholics,
gamblers or porn addicts don’t think about providing for their family, they
only think about themselves. Sometimes what may look like a motivation problem
is actually due to bigger psychological or substance issues, which would take
professional intervention, psychological diagnosis and treatment. The problem
is that Bad-Boys who are addicts don’t seek help until they crash, and if they
are enabled by others, they can stay addicted for years while creating terrible
pain and hardship for those around them. Sadly – a “Good Girl” wife can become
so enmeshed in the situation she is more of a stumbling block, than stepping
stone to create positive change.
The last group of “Bad Boys” aren’t lazy losers they just
work at any job available which tolerates irresponsible men. They may work hard
for years, but will struggle to get ahead because they haven’t found career
coaches, leaders or mentors to guide them in moving up the career ladder.
They end up staying
unmotivated because they feel the desperation of being alone yet often are just
too afraid to seek out help to discover their career strengths, so they
slowly sink financially, while watching other more motivated guys get ahead.
The old saying that “Nice guys finish last” isn’t true because the hard-working
guys earn the respect of their peers, children and most importantly, they gain
the trust and respect of the woman they promised to love forever.
An interesting
problem is that this bad boy might actually sabotage any efforts to try and
help him because he feels so hyper-sensitive about even discussing how he is
trapped in a dead end job. He may fight against those who reach out with good
advice on making some positive career changes to experience the financial
freedom to provide for their family in a stable way.
Oddly enough, even
though it’s their greatest fear, they can often be so insecure and prideful
they don’t let anyone come alongside to help them face it with courage and so
they stay stuck in a downward career spiral, leaving the growing financial
burden on their wife. Their fear of making a career change hurts the people
they say they love the most. But that’s what Bad-Boys do. They hurt others and
never seem to change.
Good guys – or Bad Boys in disguise?
Some men may appear
to be clean-cut, all-American, likable husbands and fathers who volunteer at
church, mow the grass, don’t act mean, hateful or abusive, but they are
still married to an exhausted woman with a good heart. This is because
financial recessions are tougher when a woman is trying to bridge the financial
gap in their family budget by overworking to make up for the areas where their
husband is unmotivated to change. Bad boys happily sit back to watch their
partner work harder to prove a point. And the point is usually that they are
selfish and afraid.
2.
How much is enough?
The second major
problem this kind-hearted woman is facing deals with a combination of
expectation and entitlement. There is tremendous pressure placed on parents to ‘do the right thing’ for their kids,
which often is interpreted as being forced to provide the latest and greatest
cell phone, elaborate birthday parties and expensive forms of entertainment or
vacations for their family. It is not a sign of bad parenting to say ‘no’ to
things you cannot afford it’s actually a sign of strength and will help a child
learn that you can’t have everything you want. Part of being a responsible adult
is learning how to control and manage financial impulses.
This situation can
create a downward spiral of spending because some moms try to
over-compensate for the lack of parenting from their passive “bad boy” husbands, then add the
guilt she may feel from being gone so much of the time trying to make more
money to pay the bills and you have a recipe for a spoiled child, strained
marriage and pending financial disaster.
The financial reality that some activities can’t be done in a given month may be hard to deal with in the short term, but it’s a lot better than collecting massive debt to create an artificial lifestyle to keep everyone feeling happy for a while. Some women live in continual fear that the credit card lifestyle they secretly use to fill the gap of living with a “Bad Boy” their parents and friends warned them not to marry can one day come crashing down, so they keep this credit spending hidden like an addiction inside, hoping every day that she will make it to the mailbox before her husband discovers her secret.
The financial reality that some activities can’t be done in a given month may be hard to deal with in the short term, but it’s a lot better than collecting massive debt to create an artificial lifestyle to keep everyone feeling happy for a while. Some women live in continual fear that the credit card lifestyle they secretly use to fill the gap of living with a “Bad Boy” their parents and friends warned them not to marry can one day come crashing down, so they keep this credit spending hidden like an addiction inside, hoping every day that she will make it to the mailbox before her husband discovers her secret.
3.
Hidden roadblock to living with a “Bad Boy” who won’t change
Mark Twain said, “If the truth hurts- it should.” Women
married to an unmotivated or mean “Bad Boy” often don’t want to hear the
truth about their husband. They may
fiercely defend his moodiness, his lack of employment, his bad luck with
bosses, speak up about how he loves the kids but just doesn’t have time for
them, because once they openly acknowledge that their husband is an unmotivated
or hard-hearted man, it makes it real, and once it’s real, it means
something has to change.
It’s hard to face
this reality, and it’s hard to confront a man they care about, so to avoid the
risk of hurting his feelings they silently carry the burdens inside. Another
common way women avoid making their husband uncomfortable is by secretly asking
their parents for money to make it another month, and grandparents are
suckers when it comes to providing for the needs of their daughter and
grandkids. Even if they were the number one source of warning about not
marrying the “Bad Boy” they will still financially support their exhausted
daughter. So it goes on month after month until someone runs out of cash. No
more cash means things eventually will crash.
Recessions force
things out into the open that might have gone unnoticed in a better economy.
Bad Boy partners are a big one. Exhausted women feel desperate when they
reach the end of their financial rope… without access to lines of equity,
retirement accounts or the inability to get a family loan from parents who may
be financially stretched from a deflated stock portfolio or undervalued real
estate market.
When she runs out of
options a woman has to face a painful reality. Get honest about the problems
caused by the moody, mean or unmotivated man in her life and then confront them
boldly, or silently find some negative way to cope, (like overeating). She will slowly and silently drown in her
sadness if someone close to the situation doesn’t step in to ask some direct
questions and offer real help.
This isn’t about
blame shifting or attacking a man’s character as a human being, it’s about the
basic financial reality of a shared financial partnership to run a family
together. It’s about sharing marital responsibility instead of dumping
everything onto an exhausted women going through life alone like a single
parent, (except she just happens to be
legally married to a “Bad Boy” non-producer who financially drags her down).
Sadly, it may take an
exhausted women feeling completely overwhelmed to finally take action and say, ‘listen
Mister- I desperately need help running this household and it’s time for you to
grow up’. A husband-wife partnership requires both people yet some
women are so used to the dysfunction of living with a “Bad Boy” she is almost
numb to the idea that things could ever change.
Change requires Confrontation
No one likes
conflict, but this type of relationship problem can’t improve without direct
communication and confrontation. Most women won’t be able to do this alone,
because most women have tried many ways to get their unmotivated husband to
change and it didn’t work. So if talking to him doesn’t work, a woman has
to have some back-up to confront in a way the unmotivated man can begin to
hear. This may come from a parent, a trusted friend, pastor, counselor or
career coach.
Be sensitive to this tired woman, she needs someone to help her
turn her husband around, but she doesn’t need to be judged or criticized - she does enough of
that against herself every day. If you want to really help her, don’t blame,
just point out the realities of her painful situation and ask how you can help.
There is an ancient principle that says, “in
the multitude of counselors there is wisdom and safety.” And this woman
needs both… wisdom and safety, so be kind as you move forward to gently, but
firmly offer help.
Sometimes it may
involve the immature “Bad Boy” having
someone come alongside to create a step by step approach of accountability that
includes building confidence through attending men’s groups, leadership events,
personal development seminars, career coaching or personal development retreats
on learning new skills as a healthy husband and father. The information for
“Bad Boys” to grow up, take on responsibility and change is available- it’s out
there. He still has to be the one to go out and seek it. She can’t do it for
him and you can believe she has tried a hundred times. He has to make that
decision and he has to take the steps with the help of other professionals to
move forward and become a Good Man, while leaving the selfishness and arrogance
of being a “Bad Boy” behind.
Often he won’t begin
to change until being hit with some very hard realities. The most severe that he
may lose everything of value to him if he doesn’t take bold action to turn
things around for his family before it’s too late.
Leading families in partnership
together
He has to move from
being a selfish “Bad Boy” to becoming
more self-disciplined as a leader for his family, and if you say that word very
slowly, you will discover the real answer to solve many of the problems of an
exhausted wife… she needs someone to ‘lead
–her’. Not a boss lording over her- she needs a partner. She needs a mature
and responsible man who wants to build a great family by her side, no longer
like a married ‘single parent’ no- now as partners building memories, instead
of being in misery.
When a Bad-Boy learns
how to be a responsible leader things can turn around rapidly, and no matter
how deep the financial debts and pressure; if a husband and wife are working
together they will not just survive it, they will thrive from the blessings of
being partners pulling together through the toughest of times, instead of
slowly drifting apart.
Someone you know is
the exhausted woman in this article. May these words challenge you to reach out
with kindness to let her know that she is not alone and that she can count on
you for support as she takes action to finally end the painful problems that
come from being married to a Bad Boy.
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About
the author- Dwight Bain guides busy professionals
to rewrite their story from stress to success. He is a Certified Life Coach and
Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 at the LifeWorks Group in
Orlando, http://www.Lifeworksgroup.org with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Stay connected with him for other coaching
and life change strategies at http://www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain or http://www.Twitter.com/DwightBain Find the full coaching strategy to achieve career success in his
book "Destination Success" discounted through Amazon.com at http://tinyurl.com/o9yjbzc