The Death of a Parent's Dream
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
It seems like yesterday when you held your child for the
first time and stared in to their eyes with wonderment, awe, and intense
love. It was a magical, miraculous
moment when all things seemed possible and they could become anything they
wanted to be. You poured optimism into
them daily and began dreaming of the adult they would one day become and all
the accomplishments they would achieve.
But something happened.
Perhaps it was a medical condition that would forever alter the
possibilities of becoming an Olympic athlete.
Or perhaps it was a behavioral issue that would preclude them from
attending certain schools. Or perhaps it
was a developmental disorder that would significantly change their interaction
with others. Or maybe it was simply
fear, anxiety, obsession, depression or an addiction that would leave a lasting
imprint, forever revising your dreams.
Whatever the cause, the dreams you first dreamed about your
child are now dead and the harsh reality of who they are is incongruent with
who they could have become. So how do
you deal with the unmet expectations and dreams of what your child could have
become?
Don’t
deny. While there are Olympic
athletes that have overcome seemingly difficult circumstances such as asthma
(Jackie Joyner-Kersee) and ADHD (Michael Phelps), not all kids with asthma can
be runners nor will all ADHD kids enjoy swimming. Furthermore, while there are good suggestions
for managing asthma or ADHD, the suggestions might not be right for your
child. Don’t waste valuable time and
energy denying an issue exists - acknowledge it and accept reasonable
limitations that coincide with the issue.
Don’t get angry. A common parental reaction when a child does
not live up to their potential or the dreams of their potential is to get angry. Sometimes the anger is internalized and other
times it is projected onto the child.
This type of anger is unproductive and will only alienate a parent in
their relationship with the child.
Instead accept responsibility for creating an image (however wonderful
that image might be) that is inconsistent with the person your child is
becoming. In the end, this is their life
to live, not your life to live through them.
Don’t get discouraged. When things get tough, it is far easier to
throw in the towel and call it quits with no expectations about anything for
your child. This is an equally
destructive attitude as too many expectations or too unrealistic
expectations. When your child has
greatly disappointed you, don’t allow discouragement to settle in and abandon
all hopes and dreams, rather take a realistic assessment of your child’s
strengths and modify your dreams accordingly.
Accept. Allowing a dream about your child - even a
good, well-intentioned dream - to die is hard but it is essential in order to
have a functional relationship going forward.
Accepting their natural limitations is not giving in but rather healing
in that it allows you to have a more realistic dream going forward. Many dreams about your child will come and go
over the years but don’t allow the lost dreams to distort your perception. Rather, allow the lost dreams to morph into
realistic ones that are consistent with the hopes and dreams your child has.
