Three Ridiculous Reasons People Give For Not Going to Counseling
By Laura Hull, LMFT
Coping Coach
If you’ve read enough of my blogs, you probably will find a
common thread among them that starts with “if I had a buck for every time…I’d
be writing this from _____” (fill in the blank with some exotic location). So in an effort to maintain continuity, here
you go: if I had a buck for every time I heard someone give a misguided reason
for not going for counseling at a time when he/she really needs it, I’d be
writing this blog from the sunny beaches of Australia
Myth 1: Counseling is too expensive.
Truth 1: Divorce is more expensive. Medications are
often more expensive. Losing
relationships are more expensive (emotionally).
Losing your ability to experience joy is more expensive. Times are tough for many people right
now. When people are living paycheck to
paycheck or are between jobs, it can feel like a real financial stretch to
spend money “talking about yourself or your problems.” But in reality, it is often in those
stressful and/or uncertain times that people need the benefits of counseling
the most. If you or someone you love is
struggling with depression, anxiety, marital problems, suffering the effects of
not being able to handle the stress of daily life, profoundly unhappy, having
suicidal thoughts, etc., can these issues
really wait until the financial situation improves? Are you willing to struggle for weeks, months
or possibly longer, hoping that the money situation improves and the problem
will resolve on its own? There are many
avenues to seek help. Private practices,
agencies, and church organizations offer services and will often work with
individuals and families to make it affordable; some agencies reduce or
eliminate fees based on need. Do not assume that counseling services are
out of your price range. Counselors
did not go into this line of work to “get rich.” We went into this line of work
because of a desire to help others live healthier, happier lives.
Myth 2: Counseling Doesn’t Work.
Truth 2: Yes it does.
Does it work for everyone, 100% of the time? No.
Nothing in human hands works 100% of the time. But it works for many people. According to the American Family Physician
publication in December 2005, by 2020, depression will be the second most
common disability worldwide. It is
estimated that nearly 1 in 5 people in this country will experience a major
depressive episode at some point in their lives, with 20-30% having a recurring
problem with depression. These are
staggering numbers if they are accurate.
Physicians are prescribing anti-depressants now more than ever. These medications sometimes have unpleasant
side effects. Many studies have been
conducted that have shown that patients who receive treatment for depression
benefit from counseling and often hold their therapeutic gains. “The Institute for Clinical Systems
Improvement states in an evidence-based guideline that mild to moderate
depression can be treated with psychotherapy instead of, or in addition to,
pharmacotherapy.” (ICSI, 2003). This is
just one study. I encourage you to go
online and seek reputable sites that explain the studies that have been
conducted concerning counseling, talk therapy, and the benefits and limitations
of the different ways (psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy) of addressing
emotional and/or mental health issues.
Myth 3: I don’t have time for counseling.
Truth 3: We make time for the things that matter to
us. This is a great truth. What is your happiness worth to you? Is it not worth an hour of your time, once a
week? (for starters) How much time do we
spend watching TV every week? How much
time do we spend on our computers, surfing the web or plugged into our social
media sites? Certainly it requires a
dedication of some time to glean the full benefits of counseling, but aren’t
you worth it?
Starting counseling can feel like a big step. Some people are very hesitant, or more
truthfully, very afraid of counseling.
Often times, the counselor’s office is the last stop on a road of
desperation. Sometimes a demoralized
client comes in for a first session after having exhausted every other avenue
in their life to solve the problem - friends have been unable or unwilling to
help, family has been unable to help resolve the issues, self medicating hasn’t
worked, and counseling is the “hail Mary” pass at the end of the game with time
expiring. I have so much empathy for
that person. What I try to help my
client see in that situation is that counseling is not the “hail Mary” pass at
the end of the game, rather it is the overtime that allows the game to still be
won.
I remember the client, who in a moment of clarity mixed with
humility, revealed that it was very hard for her to admit that she needed
counseling. She felt demoralized that
she did not have the ability to work through her problems on her own. She stated that “it galls me to have to pay a
stranger to help me figure out the mess I am in.” She was basically a strong lady, and it was
hard for her to concede that she needed someone’s help and that she could not
do it on her own. When she was finally
able to trust the counseling relationship and see that the process really could
help her, she was well on her way to being a much healthier and happier
person. Ultimately, her time in
counseling was life-changing, and she would tell you that herself. But that is not a unique story. When I was beginning graduate school many,
many years ago, a friend of mine said to me “I don’t know why you want to be a
counselor. People don’t really want to
change. You will fail with people more
than you will succeed because people would rather stay unhappy than have to
change.” I considered that a challenge!
I truly believe that resistance to change is not about not
wanting things to be better, in most cases.
I believe that people learn to function (or barely function) in a way
that resembles “autopilot” (for lack of a better descriptor). When people struggle emotionally for a long
period of time, they must find a way to still get up in
the morning and go to work. They must
still find a way to be the chauffer, cook and chief bottle washer at home. Life goes on whether we are engaged in a
meaningful way or not; whether we are happy or not. These people can get through the day. They function well enough to hold a job, or
provide for the basic needs of the family.
This is existing, “getting by,” but it is not the type of living that
brings meaning, contentment, and happiness. If this type of approach to life
goes on too long, these people can forget what it feels like to function
well. They forget what it feels like to
be truly happy and experience real joy.
Some people begin to shut down emotionally, unable to feel much of
anything at some point; the pain dulled because that’s a coping mechanism, but
unable to feel more than a fleeting moment of happiness here and there, if at
all.
I am happy to report that in all the years I have been a
counselor, while I have seen that change is a challenge for some people, more
often than not people DO want to better themselves and their lives. People who come to counseling and are highly
motivated often have a very positive experience. There really isn’t a good reason not to try
it.
