Loneliness in Marriage
By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
Loneliness can show up just about anywhere. There are the
places that we expect it and we feel for those who are there. When it’s us we
are comforted by the expectation; that is, that it seems about right to be feeling
what we are feeling, given the particular circumstances. But then there are times
when we really don’t expect it and we don’t know what to make of it. It flies in
the face of our expectations, even after we have been married for some time. And
what if it’s your marriage?
What if your expectations for your marriage have not been
met? What if you fell in love and felt the thrill of finding the person that you
could spend the rest of your life with? What if you went into this with your
whole heart, ready to become one with someone, walk through life with them and “never be alone again”?
Life is hard. It’s even harder to do alone and many feel a
longing in them to find someone to walk with, to have their back, through thick
and thin. Someone they can depend on. Someone who accepts them for who they
really are. Someone to entrust themselves to and commit themselves to. Think of the traditional marriage vows – to
have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death
do us part. Yes, there’s a reason why these vows have been around so long. They
are attractive, even in a world where these conceptualizations of traditional
marriage are being eroded and undermined. Many people act as though they don’t
really want this idea of traditional marriage. However, what they are actually
rejecting is not the idea of a dependable, safe, life-long attachment, but
rather they are for the most part rejecting the idea that it is possible. It
doesn’t mean they don’t want it; it means they are scared – scared to hope for
it, scared to commit to it, scared to be let down… and then what?!
The point is we are all longing to be connected to someone
in a safe, secure, supportive manner and we are all, to some degree, afraid.
These needs and fears do not disappear when we get married. Actually they
usually intensify. In the first year or so of my marriage, my wife later told
me that she would often fear that I was going to be in a car accident or
something would happen to me. You see, as we strengthen the bond, the longings
and the fears surrounding our needs for security, connection, and permanence
will be aroused and will fairly often rise to the surface. These longings are
normal. They are part of our human nature. And they can play a big part in our
struggle with loneliness.
Loneliness doesn’t come into a marriage suddenly. It creeps
in. In the beginning, we probably sought to engage our spouse. We moved towards
them. We invited them into our world, through talking, through play, through
shared experiences, through sex. Maybe they responded at first. Maybe there was
conflict, or misunderstanding, or maybe the partner was not as available as you
wanted or expected? Maybe you discovered that the two of you were more different
than you had known at first? Maybe you learned things about your spouse’s
personality or habits that rubbed you the wrong way? Maybe stressors showed up
and one or both of you had difficulty coping with them effectively? The result
was that one or both of you did not feel as close as you had, or one or both of
you were hurt by the other, and then one of you began moving away rather than
towards the other.
Marriage is not about cause and effect. It’s actually more
reciprocal – meaning it’s not about what the other person does, but rather how
what they do causes a certain response in me, which in turn causes a certain
response in them and so on. The temptation is to search for a cause or in other
words, focus on blame. It’s a dead end in most cases. When one partner begins
to distance themselves emotionally, it doesn’t mean that they started it. They
likely did so because they sensed that the other had pulled away in some way
first. When the shift occurs and we begin
to look at our spouse through the eyes of self protection, we are in trouble.
We see our spouse as not so safe, not so secure, not so dependable anymore, and
we begin to scrutinize, maybe become demanding, maybe hide our selves.
This lends to the spouse either attacking or pulling away in response. This dynamic is surely going to lead to someone feeling rejected, abandoned and lonely.
This lends to the spouse either attacking or pulling away in response. This dynamic is surely going to lead to someone feeling rejected, abandoned and lonely.
Feeling lonely is always related to expectations. If a
partner had not expected a certain degree of closeness, intimacy, or mutuality,
then they would not feel so hurt, abandoned, rejected or lonely. This is not to
suggest at all that longings for intimacy, security and dependability are
foolish or wrong. Not at all! The problem is not the heart, but the
expectations. Remember that longings are normal and are part of the normal
functioning of our human nature. However, what we do with our longings is that
we convert them into expectations for a degree of intimacy, permanence, closeness,
and yes, perfection that marriage cannot bear and was not designed for.
Marriage is designed to be the closest relationship we will
ever experience on earth; the place where we can bare our souls, be our truest,
messiest selves yet be accepted and known, and reciprocate that with another. However,
the truth of the matter is that our longings are even bigger than that. We long
for more than the best, most intimate relationship this earth can provide. Why?
Because God designed us for a perfect relationship; an intimate relationship
with our creator. Marriage can’t beat that. It is supposed to point us to it.
How does it do that? Through our unfulfilled expectations and yes, through our
loneliness.
The answer to loneliness in marriage is not to try and fill
our hearts with something else, or to numb, suppress or shame our heart’s ache.
It is definitely not to go searching for it in another person, believing that
if we could just find the right person to love or understand us better that we
would then have our expectations finally met. Now, note that abusive and
immoral situations do not apply here. A victim of abuse must not just settle for
their situation – by no means – they must get help!
What then is the solution? First, look to the only one who
can truly satisfy your heart, and who is completely dependable - Jesus. Come to an understanding about the
expectations you have placed on your spouse that were unhealthy and
unrealistic, and replace them with healthier ones. This certainly is not a
recommendation to give up your longings for connection, closeness and
dependability. We were made for such longings in a human capacity as well. It
is about separating out the longings for God and the appropriate longings for a
human relationship.
Of course, there is still a need to figure out how to
approach the issues of your marriage. With God’s help, identify the true cause
of the loneliness. Is it that there have been hurtful actions, choices,
betrayals or lies? Is it that there have been misunderstandings, stressors,
distractions, and disappointments in one another? How about criticalness,
resentments being stored up, and unresolved wounding? If so, what needs to
happen? Most likely there will be a need for each of you to take turns expressing
your feelings, to be real about things that have been stored up, to really hear
your spouse, take responsibility for your part and make apologies, and then to
work out new ways of communicating. Since
in most cases there wasn’t one person to blame, there also isn’t one person who
needs to go first in this process. Is it risky and scary? Sure. That is usually
how we reach the kind of intimacy, closeness and dependability that we
appropriately long for on this earth.
Let your heart’s longings direct you to God. And then work
hard on the marriage, getting help whenever you need it!
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