Divorcing A Friend: 3 Things You Can Do if This Happens to You
By Laura Hull, LMFT
Coping Coach
When we think of or speak of divorce,
most often we are talking in terms of firing a spouse. The dissolution of a marriage is
heartbreaking, as assumingly former best friends are choosing to walk away from
a life commitment to each other. As a
Marriage and Family Therapist, I could write a lengthy blog describing the
ripple effect of divorce and the fact that it changes the fabric of that
person’s life forever. But you could
read that same type of blog in many places on the Internet. I want to challenge you to consider a
different kind of divorce…when a long term, close friendship ends. Of course, a friendship divorce is not a
legal act, in the way that a divorce ends a legal marriage contract. But an emotional divorce is a parting of ways
between two people who were once very bonded and the feeling of loss can be
profound.
If we accept the statistics as true,
that 50% of marriages fail, then a divorce article would not apply to a lot of
readers. But I am willing to bet that
way more than 50% of people who read this have lost a close friend at some
point and were devastated by that loss.
The loss of a long time friend can feel like a divorce or perhaps even a
death, particularly if the split was not a mutual decision. Most of us would like to believe that those
friends we surround ourselves with would always be there for us. Ideally, we hope that our inner circle of
friends will remain lifelong friends.
But in reality, it often does not happen, and that can be a hard thing
to accept if the relationship ends.
A few years ago, a renowned Dutch
sociologist conducted a large study to determine, among other things, how
friendships are developed and how long they last. The study concluded that while a person’s friend
base (the number of friends in
someone’s social group) stayed relatively stable, the actual friendships
themselves turned over quite often.
According to this study, the average friendship lasts around seven
years. Are you surprised by how brief
that seems? Seven years in relation to a
normal life span may seem short, but a lot of life can be lived in those seven
short years, and our memories are tied to the people who were major players in
our lives, during that period of time.
For women, the end of a close friendship can be particularly hard. Many women develop close relationships with
other women that can be as tight a bond as a sister should be. When these types of friendships end, it can
leave a hole in the soul…at least that’s how it feels. It’s an awful feeling, for sure.
Why do friendships end? Sometimes friends begin to drift apart. People change over time, some more than
others. Sometimes friendships can adapt
to the changes; sometimes they can’t.
Sometimes one person outgrows the other…ouch! The sting of that revelation can be hard to
hear. But it happens. Life takes us in directions, at times, that
make it hard to maintain relationships that don’t fit our current needs. A friendship that consists of one person who
is a full time working wife and mother of four children under the age of 10
might have a hard time maintaining a close relationship with her single,
childless girlfriend who has the freedom to come and go without
responsibilities to a family. The
circumstances of life would make it very hard to navigate those waters. It certainly can be done, but often those types of relationships drift apart
over time, if not dissolve completely; not because we “like” the person any
less, but realistically she does not fit in easily to the daily life we
live. It’s sad, but it happens. In therapy, I have had couples tell me they
have “drifted apart” and they want to divorce.
It can happen in the best of friendships too. These are often significant loses in our
lives and the pain is very real. What
can you do if you find yourself in the middle of a friendship divorce?
1. Perform A Relationship Autopsy. Take a long, detailed, honest look at the
relationship. Be honest about the
strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
Over the duration of the friendship, has it been a stabile relationship
or a volatile one? Is the relationship
based on the viability of it in your current life circumstances, or is it based
mostly on memories of the past? Is there
still enough common ground to build on?
Do you still like and respect each other or has the relationship become
a habit based on the nature of the relationship from the past? Is the friend a real friend or has she/he morphed into a frenemy? Is the work
involved in maintaining the relationship worth the cost in time and energy
(physically and emotionally)? When
answering these questions honestly, you may come to a conclusion that changes
the nature of the relationship or perhaps even brings it to an end. This can be a hard thing to accept and I am
not suggesting it’s an easy process.
Sometimes the truth hurts…a lot.
2. Try To Save The Relationship. If you have searched your heart and truly
feel after taking a real assessment
of the relationship that it’s worth saving, then go for it. But brace yourself for an answer of “no”
should that be the response to your efforts.
If you have a friend that is trying to divorce from his/her relationship
with you, be honest about the reasons why.
Were some things said in the heat of anger that your friend cannot get
past? Were boundaries crossed or terms
of the friendship betrayed? Ask yourself
what was your role in the breakdown of the friendship? What was hers/his? If you find yourself guilty of things that
contributed to the loss of goodwill, try to right the wrong. Be humble.
Verbally accept responsibility for what you said/did without qualifying
it by pointing out what your friend did wrong too. Ask for forgiveness. Give your friend time and space to process and
then pray that her heart (and yours) will be open to forgiveness and the
ability to move forward with each other.
It may be enough to repair the relationship in time, but be prepared to
accept it if the relationship is beyond repair.
3. Grieve and Move Toward Acceptance. A friendship divorce is tough. If you have done everything that you can
reasonably do to try to save a friendship and nothing has made a difference,
then it’s time to accept the fact
that the relationship is over (at least for now) and walk away. Give yourself
time to grieve. If you have literally
lost your best friend, it will take some time to heal. Allow yourself to cry and work with a
therapist if you find yourself stuck in the grief. Keep yourself busy by engaging with
others. Don’t expect new friends to have
the same meaning to you as the long-term friend that was lost. Deeply rooted friendships take time to take
hold for real and that’s not a process that can be forced or sped along. Be patient for them to develop. Do not allow bitterness to become
consuming. Even if you did not want the
friendship to end and you feel angry, do not allow this to take you over. Forgive. It’s a process and it does take
time, but in the end it will allow you to move on with your life without having
a chip on your shoulder. Resist the urge
to continue contacting someone who has made it clear that she does not wish to
continue a relationship. And by all
means DO NOT stalk your former friend on social media sites and resist the urge
to speak negatively about your former friends to others. You never know what the future holds. Relationships that end now may be revisited
at some point down the road…. you never know.
Be smart and do not burn bridges. The intensity of the loss and the feelings
that go along with loss will most likely wane in time.
Here’s a great truth: Not all friendships/relationships we invest
in are meant to last forever. Friendship
divorces happen. People come into our
lives for a reason, and when they leave, they leave for a reason. Recognize the significance of this statement
and be wise in applying this principle to your life.