What to do When Mother's Day is the Hardest Day of the Year
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
For many women, Mother’s Day is the hardest day of the
year. Perhaps you are one of these women
who have little to no contact with your child, outlived your child, tried
unsuccessfully to conceive a child, or lost your child through a miscarriage or
abortion. Just the mention of Mother’s
Day brings to the surface the emotions you have long tucked away of
disappointment, deep sadness, distress, dejection, and despair.
Yet you are torn because in many ways you have learned to
move forward. You avoid the crowded
churches, shops, and restaurants on Mother’s Day, spend time with other mothers
or your mother, or even remind yourself how grateful you are to have had a
child. But the heaviness in your heart
is still there and despite the good moments of the day, you really can’t wait
for the day to end.
Will it always be
this way? Yes and no. Much like other holidays which exist for the
purpose of remembering the lives that have been lost such as Memorial Day or
Veterans Day, Mother’s Day will be for you a memorial of sorts. It is a day to remember what was lost or
never even gained in the first place.
But just as the anniversary of a person you lost brings back memories
and feeling, over time, the emotions won’t be so intense.
How can I survive
this day? Reserve a portion of your
day for the purpose of being alone with your thoughts and feelings. Don’t take the entire day to do this or
pretend that you don’t need to do it at all, instead take care of yourself and
give yourself a gift of remembrance.
This is a good time to journal your thoughts, allow the tears to flow,
and pray. Then choose to spend your day
surrounded by people who love you and are sensitive to your feelings.
What do I say to
others? Be honest. If you really want to go somewhere on
Mother’s Day, speak up; if you don’t, say so.
If you are sad, don’t pretend that you are not. Set reasonable expectations for yourself and
for others instead of assuming they already know what you are thinking or
feeling. Then communicate those
expectations kindly to minimize the hurt feelings later.
Why am I having
anxiety over this now? Even if your
loss occurred many years ago, you might find a sudden resurgence in your
emotions this year compared to previous years.
While the intensity may be less than the first Mother’s Day after the
loss, for some reason, this year is hitting you harder. This is perfectly normal. Take a moment to reflect on your life and see
if there is any new circumstance lately in a relationship or your
environment. Your increased anxiety may
actually be misplaced anxiety over new things that you are not properly
addressing. By addressing the new
things, the old issues will subside again.
Everyone has hard days during the year that are more
difficult than others to get through.
Mother’s Day seems a bit crueler because everyone else appears so
happy. Just remember that you are not
alone in your thoughts and feelings, many other women feel the exact same way
and sometimes it takes the courage of one person to say “this is a hard day” to
make a difference in the lives of others.
