5 Strategies for Combating Shyness & Social Anxiety Disorder, Too: How to Build Social Skills, Pt. 2
By Matt Sandford
This two-part series on how to increase one’s social skills
and confidence in social interaction is a companion piece to my article on
Shyness, Social Phobia and Introversion. Part one proposed the need for trying
new approaches in terms of social interactions, offered some places to look in
making new friendships, and then provided strategies 1 and 2, which were I Don’t Know What to Say, and I’m Afraid to Initiate. Here are the
final three strategies.
3. What If They Think I’m an Idiot or Something Worse!
We now have to consider the seemingly
unpleasant prospect that someone does respond poorly or rudely or belittles you
or your opinion or comment. There’s no getting around the reality that there
are insensitive and small minded individuals in this world who are self
centered or just plain mean. However, I think it helps to remember that if
someone like that has a poor opinion of you, it actually says more about them
than about you. You see, everyone has negative thoughts about others, but
mature people choose when, how and if they share them. Since we’ve already
clarified that they are a jerk, should their opinion of you really hold great
sway over you? What you can do is practice responding to dimwits by simply
saying, “Thanks for the feedback.”, meaning “I choose to not receive your
shaming comments without stooping to your level,” and move on to connect with
someone else.
But sometimes the critical or belittling
attitude or comment comes from someone you respect, someone you have thought
highly of, or someone you have been longing for approval from. Yeah, that
hurts. At those times it is important to take the time to separate the comments
from the person and do some analysis. What is the person’s motivation? Are they
seeking my good, are they just being mean, or is there something going on with
them personally that is interfering with them being sensitive or objective?
Sometimes there can be relevant information that we need to hear, but the
delivery system is flawed; meaning maybe they are saying it out of anger or
spite. At times like that, it will be very helpful to respond non-defensively
and ask them for clarification. “Could you help me understand what you are
telling me?” or “It seem like you are saying that…do I have that right?”
Here is what you need to keep in mind. Learning how to hang in there with negative
feedback and taking care of yourself will strengthen your self-esteem and
increase your confidence, i.e. criticism can have some value for your growth.
4. I Don’t Have Anything in Common with them
There are times when we’ve begun to engage
with someone and then get stuck. We’re not connecting. They are way too
different for us, or they’ve rubbed us the wrong way. You sure don’t have to
befriend everyone you initiate with and it’s okay to chalk it up as a good
practice at initiating and then move on. However, I will say that hanging in
there sometimes with those who are different, maybe quite different from you,
can be really beneficial. One reason is that people who are like that challenge
us and expand our thinking – which is exactly what you are working on by
tackling your social anxiety or shyness anyway. So, when we encounter someone
really different from us, we can grumble about it or we can remind ourselves to
be flexible and open-minded. Let me be
clear that I am not encouraging you to violate your values, or pretend to be
someone you aren’t. Hardly. But the reality is that as you begin having more
social interaction, you should be prepared to find that there are a lot of
people different from you. The best part is finding out that that isn’t bad!
You see, by hanging in there and continuing to interact with those who are
different in their thinking, beliefs, or preferences, we can come around to
understanding that differences don’t have to separate people or produce
conflict or hostility. If we go into it with humility we can deepen our
understanding, our compassion and our connection to those who are different
from us. It really increases your self-confidence when you don’t need to limit
yourself, but you can interact with someone no matter how different they are.
This comes around on itself because as
you grow in your self-worth, then differences are no longer a threat and you
can embrace those differences even more.
5. Body Image, Categories of Embarrassment
Sometimes what holds someone back pertains
to how they feel about their body, such as “I’m ugly,” or “I’m too short” or
some concern that they will embarrass themselves. When I lived in China
If there is something we are embarrassed
about – something in our appearance or behavior that we don’t like about
ourselves – then we may read the gaze of
others as scrutinizing, judging, or mocking. Many feel this way about
themselves because they have received some kind of shaming response from
someone before. Others have this sense
about themselves because the media has proclaimed and defined beauty and they
feel they don’t measure up. These struggles will surely contribute to someone
holding back socially.
A common misconception about how to handle
these embarrassments is that you must eradicate them, change them or cover them
up to be accepted, hence the billion dollar businesses of weight loss systems,
plastic surgery, cosmetics etc. The idea is that you must look a certain way or
meet a standard to fit in and be accepted and there are people out there who
think this way. But maybe they wouldn’t make the best friends anyway. When you intended to improve your social
skills and feel better about yourself, you probably weren’t thinking you wanted
to develop good relationships with shallow and judgmental people. It is
possible that you have developed your shyness or social anxiety because you
have been around too many of these types of folks and so you had layered on
your messages about standards, looking the part etc. So do you really need to
change yourself so that you won’t be embarrassed? Or do you rather need to find
some good folks who aren’t shallow and judgmental? Remember the previous point:
everyone is different; embracing differences is healthy and helps us grow
socially. The point here is that acceptance of our own differences and our
uniqueness is incredibly powerful for helping us grow in our social
interactions. You will need to risk being embarrassed in order to find out that
you will actually be accepted and embraced. You can do this slowly in a new
group, testing them to see if they are safe and non-judgmental. Finding a safe person or group is powerful
for lessening the fear and control that embarrassment has over you.
The bottom line is, do you need to change yourself to fit in to the group, or do you need
to change the group you are trying to fit into?
The Wrap Up
Building social skills is part skill development and part
heart development. Developing what to say and being prepared, building common
groups, and practicing responses when criticized are the skill parts. Working
through and challenging your fears, confronting your negative self talk, your
negative beliefs and struggles with embarrassment and shame are the heart
parts. All of it is about building courage and strength. I believe you will
experience the best results when you balance working on both parts.
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