5 Strategies for Combating Shyness & Social Anxiety Disorder: How to Build Social Skills Pt. 1
By Matt Sandford
In a previous article I provided some tips for sorting out
the differences between shyness, introversion and Social Anxiety Disorder. This
is a companion piece meant to offer suggestions for addressing the skills of
the person struggling with shyness. I believe it can certainly be helpful for
those who identify as introverts or those struggling with SAD as well. Let me
explain here something specific concerning introversion. Unlike shyness and
SAD, introversion is a personality trait, and therefore the goal - my goal - is
not to change it. No one’s personality needs to change in order to be fulfilled
and be their best self. Our goal should be to mature, to grow. We may need to
become more comfortable with whom we are, but we don’t need to change our
identity. Maybe you need to understand and discover your identity, but that’s
not changing it. My desire is to provide some helpful skill development, but
what that means is simply developing and honing your ability to be yourself in
the presence of others.
When you’re shy, you hold back in social situations, often
because you feel uncomfortable and insecure. You may also be anxious of what
others will think about you, or fearful of being misunderstood or not accepted,
like the person with social anxiety disorder. Or, you may tend to be drained by
more intense social interactions or by bigger groups or by folks you don’t know
well, like the introverted person. But one big contributor to these feelings of
inadequacy and discomfort is the lack of social experience, which is a bugaboo.
The shy person has accumulated fewer social experiences than the non-shy
person, which is part of the reason the shy person feels the way they do. And
because they feel the way they do about social interactions, they therefore
continue to accumulate fewer social experiences, or the ones they do are not
very encouraging or motivating. One huge contributor to shyness is simply the
lack of experience, which perpetuates.
However, you don’t just want to shove yourself into a bunch
of social interactions in order to overcome shyness, introversion or SAD. That
will probably not lead to improvements because the nature and quality of the
interactions are more likely to be replications of past experiences. The shy
person will benefit from trying something new if they would like to produce
different outcomes. The different outcomes are not intended to make everyone
like you or think you are awesome (although that would be encouraging). These
different outcomes pertain to outcomes in yourself. In other words, the goal is
to have social interactions in which you walk away and feel good about
yourself: maybe about how you took the initiative with someone, how you
participated in a conversation, how you persevered when you became nervous, or
how you were able to connect with someone. We can’t control circumstances or
other people, but we can increase our abilities in terms of how we interact
with others and grow in our ability to cope with anxiety, and in our attitudes
and perceptions about our experiences. Let me break things down into some
common challenges.
Let’s start with a few healthy ways to meet people:
-
Focus on your own interests and your personal
development; check out a group or class on something you are interested in.
You’ll be more engaged and motivated to go, and you’ll be around people with at
least one interest you share, which is a great place to start when relationship
building: finding common ground.
-
Consider church involvement and opportunities to
serve or volunteer. Having a task or goal can be quite helpful when you’re
uncomfortable generating conversation.
-
Forego the age-old routes of bars and
nightclubs; these are for hook-ups, not building quality relationships (even if
a blind squirrel has found a nut there before)
-
Keep this in mind: as you try some new endeavor,
you want to be shifting your goal more and more from fear, which is
inward-focused, to curiosity, which is outward-focused. This means striving
towards developing curiosity about others and about learning.
Here are the Five Strategies
1. I Don’t Know what to Say
Often, those with shyness or social anxiety
struggle with what to say in social situations. They may feel like their mind
betrays them, or their body when they get tongue tied, as in the proverbial shy
guy trying to ask a girl for a date. What’s happening is stress and the way
that anxiety affects our body physically. Anxiety like this tells the brain to
prepare the body for danger: the fight, flight or freeze response. And so the
body gets ready for action, sending hormones that increase heart rate and blood
flow to the muscles in the extremities, and take short cuts to the instinctual
part of the brain, the amygdala, which actually makes it harder to think
rationally and clearly.
So what can help? Having a plan of some
things to say for highly stressful moments can help to get past this initial
stress or keep it from climbing so high inside us. In some cases, this may mean
educating yourself a bit ahead of time. If you are going to a movie with
someone, read a review so that you have something to comment on to get started.
Plan out a few topics you could bring up, or questions you could ask to get to
know someone. Think through some get-to-know-you questions you can ask – about
someone’s career, what they like to do for fun, their favorite this or that, or
how they know a mutual friend of yours. Often the person will ask you back and
before you know it, you have a dialogue going. The point isn’t actually to
prepare for every possibility, but to give you some confidence, which can help
keep your anxiety from shooting too high.
I know what you’re thinking. What about
when you get asked something and you freeze up because you don’t have a reply?
Here’s the big secret I was saving just for this question. This is what you
say: I…don’t…know. How radically insightful! You may not want to respond with an
“I don’t know” for fear of looking stupid or “uncool”. However, the problem isn’t with the response,
it’s with your perception about the response. The reality is that it’s more
uncool to make up something or say what you think the person wants to hear,
than to be courageous and comfortable enough to say you don’t know something. You won’t know what it’s like to be
respected for being real until you practice it. And here’s where you can
really shine. Invite the person to educate you, to tell you about what they are
asking you that you have no answer for. Then what you’ve done is focused more
on connecting with them, and you’ll also be more informed for the future.
2. I’m Afraid to Initiate
It can be scary and intimidating to initiate
with someone; especially if you have had a negative experience before. And
especially with certain people, maybe someone we look up to or admire. One way
to bring down the intimidation factor involved in initiating is . . . do it
more often. You see, actually the fear and pain involved is proportional to the
percentage of times you’ve experienced rejection versus acceptance. Meaning if
you’ve only initiated say 10 times and 6 times you got a “no” of some kind,
then you may feel horrible, dreading how often you have been rejected, because
it was over half the time! But if you initiated 50 times and got rejected 6
times you probably would be feeling pretty good and ready to initiate some
more, because that’s only 12% of the time.
I already know what you are thinking.
You’re saying, “Yeah, but if I initiated
50 times I bet I would experience 40 rejections (or some high number)! That’s
why I don’t initiate, because who would want to experience that? I would feel
worse after that than if I hadn’t initiated in the first place. Holding back
protects me. ” Yes, holding back is protective. The only problem is that holding back and
not initiating will never help you overcome your shyness or social anxiety and
it will never protect you from feeling lonely or disconnected. Besides, the
idea is that by working on all this, you will reduce your risks and increase
the likelihood that you’ll have more positive experiences.
Maybe this is not what you wanted to hear,
that you need to step into your fears for them to diminish, but you don’t have
to take on the scariest fears first. Think through a scale of methods of
initiating, beginning with those that would be more comfortable, then less
comfortable and then the hardest kind. Work your way up, building your skill
and pushing into your fears as you grow.
In part two of the series, we will address the remainder of
the five points.
Stay tuned.
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