10 Signs Your Marriage Might be Depressed
By: Christine Hammond, LMHC
A depressed marriage?
What is that? Just like you can
become depressed over the loss of someone you love or the economy can become
depressed over a real estate financial crisis, so your marriage can suffer from
depression. A depression in your
marriage, however, does not mean that your marriage is over, rather it is a low
period in a series of highs and lows which occur in every marriage. Here are some signs that your marriage might
be depressed:
1. Difficulty
making even minor decisions let alone major decisions without an argument.
2. Intimacy
such as hand holding, sitting close together, or kissing becomes more routine
(if it exists at all) rather than heart felt.
3. Lack
of desire to spend any time together; prefer to spend free time alone.
4. One
or both of you has already spoken of getting a divorce or separating.
5. The
excitement in your marriage is completely gone; you don’t look forward to
seeing or hearing from each other.
6. Conversation
is limited to the bare essentials of scheduling, managing the house, and checking
in. No longer are there conversations
about the things you are passionate about.
7. You
intentionally avoid your spouse and notice your spouse avoiding you.
8. Fantasies
of other partners, what you would do if your spouse passes away, or the peace
that could come from separating begins to consume your thoughts.
9. You
or your spouse finds reasons not to spend the night in your bed, you don’t go
to bed at the same time, or you put physical boundaries such as pillows between
you.
10. No
sex or interest in sex.
Your Choice. Once you realize that your marriage might be
depressed, you have a choice in your response.
You can reflect and learn from the depression or you can shut down and
run from your marriage. Option one
allows the possibility that your marriage can come out of this depression even
stronger. Think again about the real
estate depression and how much was learned from the mistakes of over-valuing
homes, over-lending from banks, and over-mortgaging a house. Option two will most likely end up in divorce
court.
Reflecting. It is helpful if both of you are engaged and
honest in this process of reflecting on the state of your marriage. However, that is not always practical as
usually one spouse has a clearer perspective than the other spouse. Whatever the case, spend some time with each
identified issue and assign a number from 0 (not a problem at all) to 10 (deal
breaker). Ask yourself how much you have
contributed to the problem and take responsibility for your actions before
speaking with your spouse. When you do
speak with your spouse, be careful that your spouse’s issues do not outweigh
yours. Remember to speak the truth in
love to your spouse.
Learning. Learning is a two-way street in a
marriage. You need to learn from your
spouse and your spouse needs to learn from you.
This is not about getting your way or proving that you are better than
your spouse. If you want the marriage to
survive the depression then it is important to keep the long-term goal at the
front of your mind. There is no quicker
way to destroy a marriage than to point out all of your spouse’s flaws, demand
that they change, and then refuse to concede to any change yourself. Learning means that you are receiving
information, processing it, and doing something about it. This is a gently process, not a forced one.
Your marriage can
survive a depression. Sometimes it helps
to have another person such as a counselor or pastor come alongside you during
the process to give an objective point of view.
Self-help books can be useful as well but both of you need to be
willingly engaged in the process in order for the book to
be effective. Whatever the path you
choose, know that your depression does not have to last for a lifetime, it can
be just for a short season.