What Are You SO Angry About? 3 Steps to Identifying the Roots of Anger
By Matt W Sandford
Do you ever have trouble figuring out why you’re angry or
where it came from? You thought you were doing fine just minutes ago and then
something provokes you and you maybe lash out, attack back, get snide or
sarcastic, lecture somebody, insult them, grumble and gossip, plot revenge, or
even fume or pout quietly. Anger has many looks and shades to it. How are you
at even identifying when you are angry?
It is quite difficult to sort out the causes and meanings of our anger
if we aren’t able to be aware of when we are experiencing it.
Step one: Identifying
Anger
Maybe you have trouble identifying anger because you don’t
want to believe you are getting angry, or you really don’t want to see how
often you do. Maybe you believe that anger is bad or wrong? Some people do.
Maybe you deny your anger because you are afraid of it or what you may do, or
what people will think of you? This is also common. Maybe you see it as
embarrassing or losing self control? Maybe you had experienced being on the
receiving end of anger and told yourself that you would never be angry like
that? So what do you do when you find yourself doing the exact same thing? You
either justify it or re-label it. In other words, you either focus on the
external cause and blame your poor reaction on that, or you find a way to make
it something else; something more acceptable. You may convert your anger into
passive aggression, grudge holding and revenge, or with women in particular,
maybe convert anger into tears. Another way to convert anger is to somaticize
the emotions, which means converting them into physical symptoms, such as
muscle tension, digestive problems, high blood pressure, or fatigue.
Re-labeling or converting anger into something else - hereby
avoiding it- only exacerbates the problem and doesn’t help to learn about the
source of the anger, how to address it and manage emotions in healthy ways.
Identifying anger simply means sifting through all methods of avoidance and
being willing to say – “I am angry.” Becoming a less angry person sometimes
actually involves a process in which you first appear to get angrier. You’re
not really getting angrier, but it will seem that way as you become more aware
of the anger you already have. The idea is to be able to do this without
recriminations. You may feel guilty about how you reacted, especially if you
unfairly threw someone under the bus. In that case, the guilt would be
appropriate. However, the reality of feeling anger and owning it is the goal
here.
Step Two: Getting
Underneath The Anger
Anger is considered a secondary emotion. What that means is
that anger usually is representative of another emotion behind or underneath
it. Now that you have identified that you are angry, rather than squash this
unwanted emotion, play detective and follow the trail back to the source or the
root. Remind yourself that the anger is telling you something about what is
going on inside of you emotionally. To the degree that you don’t understand the
root or meaning of your anger is the degree to which you will be unhappy and
disgruntled throughout your life.
This can be hard work, but it really will be worth it in the
end.
How does one get underneath the anger?
1. Ask
yourself good questions about the meaning of your anger. What is it about what
that person said or did? Seek descriptive words or metaphors to parse out your
feelings.
2. Think
back through your thoughts or perceptions concerning the event. How did you
interpret the situation? Did you perceive an attack, or a slight? Did you feel
rejected or misunderstood? Did you begin to go through worst case scenarios in
your mind?
3. Try
to recall times when you felt similarly to help you identify the meaning.
4. If
you get stuck or come up blank, seek out a safe, trusted friend to help you
talk it out and ask you probing questions.
Two common links to anger are hurt and disappointment. But
since these are perceived as vulnerable or weak feelings, we are conditioned in
our society to hide such feelings. One way in which we hide them is to convert
them into anger.
Step Three: Live
Authentically
In Brene’
Brown’s Book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she refers to courage and she explains
that the word originally meant to “speak one’s mind by telling all one’s
heart.” 1 The author goes on to describe elements that are so
important to becoming more authentic and emotionally healthy, and this notion
of courageously being vulnerable leads the way. The thought process goes
something like this:
Now that I have delved
in and found out that there is something underneath my anger, something that’s
often more vulnerable – like disappointment, loss or hurt – I don’t like that
much. Now, I’m rather mad at that guy who wrote that article about anger! However,
now I understand why I gravitate to anger.
Anger feels safer and less painful than feeling one’s
vulnerability. But the cat is now officially out of the bag. You can either
move forward and address the “underneath stuff”, or you could go back and keep
utilizing anger to cover up those things. One way leads to reduced anger and
irritability and resentment and a better you. You already know which one is
which.
Strangely enough, just acknowledging your “underneath stuff”
actually helps. Being honest with yourself about your hurts is the first step
to healing them. Honesty matters. It means you are evaluating your heart. Next,
dare to evaluate your heart with input from others. Yes, it is risky. Not
everyone will respect your vulnerability but there are indeed some people who
will. Be wise in identifying the latter. Living authentically with those who
respect us brings healing to our hurts and losses.
The Wrap Up
None of the steps above are easy. If they were, we wouldn’t
be such an angry, disgruntled culture. We are constantly challenged to swim
upstream against the tide of our culture. Many people don’t like being
vulnerable because of the misconception that vulnerable people are weak and
looked down upon and are at risk of being trampled by the strong. In reality,
vulnerability is strength and those who lack it are intimidated by it because it
exposes them and shows who they truly are. So it is mocked and regarded as
weakness. This is like a dictator fearing that the people will figure out that
if they rise up, they will have more power than him. Personal maturity, emotion
health and spiritual maturity are not celebrated by the world in general. God
tells us not to be surprised by this in the Biblical book of I Peter. Jesus
himself was not respected by the masses. But those who choose to get to know
you will appreciate you better and you will be freer, more patient and more at
peace. In the end you may discover that becoming less angry may make you less
popular with some people, yet happier and more content with yourself.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"