The Anger Rocket: Houston, We Have a Problem
Laura Hull, MA. LMFT
Coping Coach
In 1995, the movie Apollo 13 was released, depicting the
harrowing days of the Apollo 13 moon mission in April 1970. In a scene midway through the movie, the
astronauts are under immense stress from potential impending doom. Fear and frustration begin to surface,
finally climaxing with an explosive exchange between the men, each blaming the
others in some way for the dire circumstances they were facing. Of course, nothing about this exchange was
helpful, productive or would change their circumstances in any way. However, all the education and training in
the world could not remove the very human emotions of anger, fear and
frustration they experienced. In a
following scene, the commander of the mission abruptly cuts off the argument,
without regard for whether all sides felt satisfied, and calmly radioed mission
control. The issue was not resolved -
far from it - it was just time to move on from it, and not allow it to fracture
the trust of that working relationship.
They could have continued to argue, point fingers and place blame. Hot heads could have prevailed, with arguing
preventing the crew from being able to effectively work together. The need to “be right” could have been the
most important thing to each of these exceedingly frustrated men, and they
would have likely died. The same
principles apply in all walks of life.
While most displays of unhealthy anger are not directly life
threatening, over the long run, there is certainly the risk of a relationship
fatality in an emotional sense.
There is a place for anger in this life. It is a very human emotion. Jesus Himself displayed anger in the temple
over the greed and abuse He witnessed.
Anger is never pleasant but it is often appropriate in response to
certain situations. Anger is problematic
when it is experienced and displayed in unhealthy ways. Anger management is something we must all
learn in order to be healthy in our relationships with others and to be healthy
mentally and emotionally.
When we release an anger rocket on someone, the intent is
clear: it’s an explosive, direct hit, with the intent to cause damage. Some individuals have a very low tolerance
for frustration and it takes very little to move a situation from mildly
annoying to explosively angry. In these
situations, it takes very little engagement or exchange from someone else for
the situation to start breaking down rapidly.
“Fair fighting” gets thrown out the window quickly, with name-calling
and other displays of disrespect coming into play. The more aggressive participant often “wins”
with damage being inflicted on the other, and the scar from the battle being worn
on the relationship. Wounds can heal;
scars remain to remind us of the battle.
Anger can also present itself in passive-aggressive
behavior. This is far less direct than
explosive exchanges, but it can last longer and inflict just as much damage. In this scenario, anger might be present, but
not result in an ugly verbal exchange.
The angry partner might withdraw emotionally, without explanation as to
why. This partner might also withhold love/affection, wallowing in self-righteousness
and a desire to covertly “punish” the other by controlling the situation
through a series of passive/aggressive exchanges. It’s manipulative and destructive to handle
anger in this way.
The need to be right:
why is this so important? Why do
we feel so justified in our feelings and our position? Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying or implying that feeling
angry is wrong. There are definitely
times in our lives when we have the right to feel angry. Where we get into trouble is in how we
address these feeling, what we do with our anger, and how long we hold on to
it. When is how we manage anger a
problem? Consider these:
- Are your feelings and the way you express them out of proportion to the situation?
- Is “winning the argument” or “being right” more important than fixing and restoring the relationship?
- When expressing anger, does it become disrespectful? Do we “go for the jugular”? Are we content to “clobber” someone else in order to relieve our own frustration?
- Have others commented that you have trouble controlling/handling your emotions? Or perhaps that your displays of temper are inappropriate?
- Do poor coping skills allow the stresses of life to push your buttons, making anger management a tall order?
If the answer is “yes” to any or all of these questions,
then it’s time to address your anger management problem.
Make no mistake. The
failure to learn how to cope with the stresses and demands of daily life will
contribute to anger management challenges.
We must develop and use good coping skills in all areas of our
lives. When we allow anger to overtake
us, it will destroy any potential good in our lives:
- We cannot have unhealthy/unresolved anger in our lives and have optimal marriages.
- We cannot have unhealthy/unresolved anger in our lives and expect healthy friendships.
- We cannot have unhealthy/unresolved anger in our lives and be the best employees we can be.
- We cannot have unhealthy/unresolved anger in our lives and be where God wants us to be in our lives.
Unresolved, lingering anger is like a cancer of the
soul. Eventually, it will consume and
destroy.
Some people seem so determined to hold on to their anger,
like it’s an earned possession, but an unwillingness to work through the anger
and eventually let it go is so very self-destructive. The thought of facing the root cause of
underlying anger issues is very daunting to some. Coming to terms with the hurt and pain that
has caused anger to become an issue can be such a challenge. But we are much healthier people when we
confront our anger and pain and commit to work through it, eventually letting
it go. Some issues we face cannot be
fully resolved. We may never feel fully
understood, vindicated or restored. But
it is possible to still let go of anger and move on in our relationships and in
our lives. This is both a process and a
choice. When we make that choice and
that commitment, we are taking back control over our feelings in a way that we
never could when anger ruled our emotions.
Good coping skills are so important in being able to control
anger and navigate around other potential roadblocks in our lives. Counseling is a great place to start
developing healthier ways of coping with the obstacles of life and learning better ways of handling life’s challenges. It’s a mission we can all benefit from at
one time or another!