Loneliness: The Case of the Romantic Partner Dilemma
Laura Hull, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Valentine’s Day week has the same holiday prerequisite as
most other “major” holidays, the prerequisite being the potential to make us
feel miserable. It can be a time of fun and celebration or a
painful reminder of what is missing in life, in this case, a romantic
partner. For years, I never really knew the whole story
behind Valentine’s Day. All I knew was
that as a child it meant trading Valentine cards with classmates and maybe the
occasional love note with the classroom crush.
Ah! If only life could stay so simple!
Even though I now know the “real” story of how we came to celebrate Valentine’s
Day, I am still not convinced it is much more than a conspiracy between
jewelers, florist, candy companies and card companies to make us part with more
money after a frenzied Christmas buying season.
By the beginning of February, commercials run frequently on television
and radio, reminding us that we need to show our love by buying expensive
jewelry or sexy lingerie. The daily
commercial reminders that “every kiss begins with Kay” and fluff news stories
reporting that the average American spends $126 on Valentine’s Day for the one
he/she loves amuse me, in a nauseating kind of way. If we don’t have that “someone special” in
our lives to share in all this commercialism, it is easy to stare in the mirror
and picture a big “L” in the middle of the forehead. The “L” does not refer to “loser”; it refers
to lonely.
Most of us have periods of time in our lives when loneliness
is an issue. Life hands us enough change
that require us to shift and at times leaves us lonely. In a previous article I wrote around the
holidays, I mentioned some common situations in which we can find ourselves
dealing with the reality of loneliness.
Job changes, relocation, times of physical or emotional separation from
those we love are just some of the situations in which we can find ourselves
struggling. From an outsider’s
perspective, we may appear to “have it all”; a good job, loads of friends, a
plethora of activities/projects to which we dedicate large amounts of
time. However, the abundance of time
consuming activities and a large social circle in our lives does not mean we
are not lonely. It just means we are
busy. For some, being busy does not allow
for time to dwell on being lonely or analyzing what is potentially missing in
our lives. Still for others, not having
that “special someone” in their lives or being emotionally distant from that
life partner can be a crippling feeling.
Because we are right on the heels of Valentine’s Day, I
would like to focus primarily on the loneliness associated with finding “the
one”. With the average first time
marrying age creeping up into the late 20’s, many of us find ourselves spending
at least some of our adult years looking for that “ideal” life partner. With roughly fifty percent of first marriages
ending in divorce, many find themselves again looking for “the one” at some
point. These gaps in time, these periods
where we find ourselves still “searching” for that person God meant for us to
be with, can be frustrating and lonely. After
false starts and a few train wreck relationships, some find themselves
wondering if there really is someone out there with whom they are meant to
share their life. Some may wonder if God
really does have someone in mind for them. And if so, where is he/she? The Bible says that God created Adam, and
that He saw that it was not good for man to be alone. God created sex for the marriage relationship
because the physical closeness with our spouse is good for us, both physically
and emotionally. Because God saw the
importance of this type of relationship, it should not be at all surprising
that finding our soul mate, can take on a sense of urgency at some point. However, it is important to be patient with
the process and not allow loneliness or desperation to provoke us to make a
mistake in choosing our significant other.
Loneliness can exist within marriage, as well. It is not uncommon for problems to creep into
marriage after the honeymoon phase ends.
When intensity and passion are replaced by complacency and monotony,
trouble is brewing. I have spent much of
my career in couples work; trying to help couples find their way back to each
other after long periods of time adrift on the sea of love. I should probably pre-emptively apologize for
the cheesy “sea of love” reference J. However, people who love each other CAN drift
apart. When this happens, it can be the
loneliest feeling in the world.
Relationships can only drift for so long. Without rescue, drifters eventually
drown.
What can be done to address the issue of loneliness
associated with significant others? If
still in the phase of life where finding a life partner is the goal, it is
helpful to invest time in things that make US better life partners. Are WE bringing our “best selves” to the table? A good question to ask: “Are there things in
my life, things about myself that I need to work on? Are there issues in my life that keep me from
being a good partner to someone else?”
If the answers are yes, then it’s time to address these things. Maybe it’s time to ask a trusted friend or
family member if there are things that are keeping you from being your best
self. Brace and be prepared to hear the
truth, and please do not respond negatively to honesty that feels like criticism. People who genuinely love us should be able
to tell us the truth without fear of repercussions in the relationship. After an honest self-inventory, it’s time to
take steps. Counseling is a safe and
positive way to address issues in life that may be hindering healthy
relationships from developing or moving to the next step. It is always a good idea to bring our
healthiest selves into any meaningful relationship. Only when we are in a good place emotionally,
are we in a position to be in a healthy relationship with a significant other.
Consider this: Are we
looking for love in all the wrong places?
We must be mindful of where we seek out others for long-term romantic
relationships. Is the father of your
children or the mother of your child going to be found in a bar? I am not saying it never happens. Obviously it does…. sometimes. But if we are looking for someone who will
spend the next fifty years going to church with us on Sunday mornings and who
will be sipping lemonade on the front porch with us when we are old, is a bar
the BEST place to start looking? Are we
looking for people who are likeminded?
I am always amazed seeing people investing time dating others who do not
have the same values. Why do people
spend time believing they can “make him/her be the one for me”? I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve
heard “I thought I could change him/her”.
These same people are then bewildered when the relationship
derails. Picture in your mind what you
want in a significant other, and do not waste time and energy trying to “make”
someone fit that picture. Please understand that I am absolutely NOT saying that
marrying someone from the church singles group is going to guarantee an ideal
life partner. Bad marriages have been
born out of church relationships, too.
But I AM saying that meeting likeminded people, who have similar goals
and values in life, increases the odds of a good relationship working out in
the long run.
For the loneliness that can exist in marriage, there is
truly a sense of urgency. Wearing a ring
on the left hand and sleeping next to a warm body at night does not mean the
relationship isn’t in trouble.
Loneliness in marriage that is left unchecked will be addressed
eventually, potentially in a courtroom during a divorce proceeding or at the
Motel 6 up the road. If we are lonely in
our marriage; if we aren’t getting what we need emotionally from our partners,
we will find it somewhere else. I am not
necessarily referring to affairs, though that is often the case. Loneliness in marriage is a hole in the soul
we will fill up with something or someone else.
Many will pour all their time and energy into parenting, work, kids
activities, church activities, anything really, that tries to compensate for
what’s missing in the relationship; anything that takes up time and does not
allow for much opportunity spent dwelling on what is missing or what is
wrong. This is a dangerous place to
be. Loneliness in the marital
relationship has the potential to be fatal to the marriage. When recognized, it
must be addressed swiftly and decidedly.
Everyone experiences loneliness at one time or another. It’s part of the human experience. But it does not have to be permanent or
debilitating. Recognizing it and
addressing it is the key to overcoming it.