Shyness, Social Phobia & The Introverted Personality Type - Sorting Them Out
By Matt W Sandford, LMHC
Many folks have just always been shy. They’ve always felt
some degree of awkwardness and nervousness in social situations and in some
ways have held themselves back, were reserved. And most of us shy folk struggle
with this reticence and have deeply wished we could change this aspect of
ourselves. When you don’t like something about yourself, you soon turn to
believing that that problematic area is something that is wrong, either
something to be ‘fixed’ in order to be ‘normal’, or worse, something that
cannot be fixed. It seems to me that a lot of folks end up confused about the
meaning of their shyness and how to address it. Therefore, I believe it can be
helpful to define some of the differences between shyness, social phobia, or
social anxiety disorder, and the aspect of personality called introversion.
When people feel shy they are experiencing some discomfort
concerning their perception of how they will be thought of by others, mostly
with folks they do not know or don’t know well. They are lacking confidence in
their ability to perform social skills with adeptness and to make a good
impression or they may lack in knowledge and experience of social skills. A
person who is shy may be introverted or not and may have social anxiety or may
not.
Introversion is an aspect of personality and is compared to
extroversion. Most people view introversion as meaning shy or not liking to be
around people, and extroversion as being the opposite. However, this would be
inaccurate. Introversion and extroversion have to do with where a person gets
their energy and prefers to direct their attention. Those who are extroverted
get their energy form being with people and like to direct their attention to
the external world. The more extroverted one is the more they seek out being
with people and feel energized from people contact and a variety of activities.
The extrovert often prefers to process their thoughts verbally. Introverts rather
get their energy from their inner world and from reflection. Interaction with people
and activity can be draining to them, particularly if the activity and
interaction is highly stimulating or fast paced. This does not mean that they don’t
enjoy being with people; it just means that it requires something of them and
they can’t do it forever without a break. Introverts usually are more drained
by larger groups or folks they don’t know well, which is why they can be
confused with exhibiting shyness.
Social Phobia, or Social Anxiety Disorder, on the other
hand, is a mental disorder listed in the DSM IV, the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders, the tome of counseling psychology. The disorder is
defined as “a marked and persistent fear of one or more social or performance
situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible
scrutiny by others.” This fear of being scrutinized, judged, embarrassed and
rejected causes much anxiety and avoidance of some or maybe many social
situations. This is different from shyness and different from introversion,
although they do relate to one another. Social Anxiety disorder likely is
formed through childhood experiences of being shamed, rejected, belittled,
bullied, and/or verbal or emotional abuse. But it can also be formed through
experiences of being ignored, shunned, criticized, neglected and/or held to
rigid or unrealistic standards of performance. In broad strokes, what I am
saying is that social anxiety disorder is the prime disorder that is formed as
a result of a lack of love and acceptance. We all learn and incorporate a great
deal of our core identity, that is, what we believe about ourselves, from our
childhood environment.
There is of course, more to it than that. Some people will
experience much shaming in their childhood and not develop social phobia,
whereas someone else may experience it to a lesser extent and struggle mightily
with social anxieties. The reason for such variation would be due to factors
such as the person’s personality, their particular interpretation of the
events, their relationship to the perpetrators, the duration and severity and
type of shaming they experienced, as well as the presence of systems of support
and recovery, meaning if someone had others who did provide acceptance,
affirmation and consistent positive regard and to what degree.
When I looked at an Amazon book list on social anxiety, I
found it commonly associated with shyness. I suppose that this would be because
you can work on the symptoms of them both at the same time with the same
approaches. However, this does not mean they are synonymous, or
interchangeable. Social Anxiety does result in shyness, or social reticence and
discomfort, but the reverse is not true – shyness does not produce Social Anxiety
Disorder. Although, certainly for the person suffering from Social Anxiety
Disorder, experiences in which they feel and behave as shy will confirm to them
their social ineptness and deepen their anxieties. The difference has to do
with what a person believes about themselves. The person with social anxiety
believes that at their core they are defective, or not good enough, and
therefore will not be accepted and approved of by others, at least unless they
can hide their true self and perform up to the standards of others. Those who
experience shyness, on the other hand, may be having these types of core
beliefs about themselves, or they may not. For shyness that is not resulting
from social phobia and a shame based sense of self, the shyness is more due to
a lack of confidence in social settings, usually because of a lack of
experience and helpful modeling. In my opinion then, shyness can be considered
as a way to describe a form of low grade social anxiety that falls short of
meeting the criteria for the disorder of Social Anxiety Disorder.
Introverts, by nature of their personality and bent towards
reflection, would likely have a higher percentage of persons who would
characterize themselves as shy. Since introverts won’t seek out meeting new
people as often nor stay in social interactions that are draining (or frankly,
sometimes, perceived as shallow, and less than stimulating) to them as long, we
would expect them to have less opportunities to practice social skills and
therefore, develop shyness. As this is developing, it seems to me that it can
impact the person in one of two ways. Either their longing for acceptance and
connection will grow and propel them to seek out interactions and a place to
belong, or they will develop a hardening of their heart to protect them from
hurts, with the result being arrogance and aloofness.
So what does all that
mean? What if I’m not sure where I stand, and whether I have the disorder or
not? Here’s some questions to help you think it through:
1.
Introversion question – Would I rather make a
new friend, or invest time in an old friend or two, deepening the relationship?
2.
When I am in a social situation am I usually
more concerned about not knowing what to say, or that others will reject or
judge me or think poorly of me in some way?
3.
When some kind of opportunity comes around to
develop your social skills that will involve engaging other people, do you want
to go, even though you are nervous and scared, or is your initial reaction to
avoid it?
4.
Your friend invites you to a party in which you
will know maybe 2-3 out of 10-15 people. Do you: A) go, but only spend time with the ones you
know well, B) decide that you are going to try and meet some new folks, seeing
if you can tag along with one of your friends, or C) avoid it because you
wouldn’t know most of the folks there?
5.
Are you more likely to believe that if you could
improve your knowledge and confidence that you would improve your self esteem,
or that if you made these improvement that you would just find something else
to beat yourself up about?
6.
Would you say that your struggles with social
situations have impaired your functioning at work, school, or at developing
romantic relationships, and would you agree that the degree of your fears concerning
social experiences is for the most part more than is warranted?
Answer Key
1.
introverts would likely choose the second
option
2.
shyness for the first option and social phobia
for the second
3.
shyness for the first, indication of social
phobia for the second
4.
A – introvert or shyness or both, B – shyness, C
– indicates Social Phobia
5.
First part – shyness, second part – suggests
Social Phobia
6.
If you answer yes, then Social Phobia
I understand that it still may be difficult to delineate
between shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder. What I would suggest is that you
make a go of developing your social skills by practicing them and see if it
increases your confidence. If you find that you are having difficulty in
overcoming your avoidance and fears, then I would encourage you to seek
counseling.
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