You Might Be A Perfectionist If ...
Some perfectionists are the proud, card carrying type. They
believe that being hard on themselves and others makes them and others better.
And better is what they are driven to become. And probably, even if they don’t
say it, is the belief that this is the right way to live and progress. And
people who don’t rigorously follow the same approach in life are misguided and
wimpy and less successful than they could be. They might be right about that
last one. Depending on how you define successful. How many happy perfectionists do you know?
Then there’s the second group; those who are burdened by
their perfectionism and wish that they could change. They are aware that they
are critical about everything and
that they are rarely ever satisfied. They are driven to get things done and
have measurable results to confirm that they are achieving. But, if they get
twelve things done, they believe they should have accomplished 14 or 20. And if
they make a mistake – well, they can’t let it go so well. And here’s the
kicker. They often think this way about others also. This group has come to
realize that their expectations are extremely high. But they can’t just adjust
them. In fact, they feel to do so would be like giving in, or losing or
confirming that they really aren’t good enough. So, basically you have
perfectionists who are happy in their unhappiness and perfectionists who are unhappy
in their unhappiness.
Ten signs of the Perfectionist
1.
A strong performance-based orientation and really
high expectations in performance for self and others. Good is not good enough
and unacceptable, very good is usually minimally acceptable, and a really super
job is fair.
2.
They have a strongly negative or pessimistic
belief system and outlook.
3.
They are often analytical and intellectual.
4.
They can
be high achievers, although many would not give themselves fair credit.
5.
They have a great deal of difficulty with
patience, forgiveness and offering grace.
6.
A low or fragile self esteem, that rides on the
waves of their performance, meaning only when I am able to meet my standards
and not make mistakes, I feel okay.
7.
High stress, and cycles of great effort and
burnout.
8.
Raised in a performance-based environment which
lacked experiences of unconditional acceptance.
9.
Rigidity in beliefs, values and opinions.
10.
Marked by relational difficulties, such as
unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and people pulling away
from them. They may feel misunderstood by others and feel lonely.
If you’re still on the fence about yourself or someone else,
ask this clincher; how are mistakes handled that they or you make? If they or
you tend to beat yourself up and shame yourself with harsh recriminations and
promises to be better – then I would say you have your answer.
There is hope for the perfectionist! I’ve got a great
program for you and if you can follow it just right you will overcome your
perfectionism. I’m kidding about the program part, but there is hope. Next
time, I’ll bring some help for breaking out of perfectionism.
Matt W. Sandford,
LMHC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
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