Rulebooks: Instigators of Conflict in Marriage
By: Brian M Murray, MS, IMH
“I know that the whole
point—the only point—is to find the things that matter, and hold on to them,
and fight for them, and refuse to let them go.” ― Lauren Oliver
Fighting for something you believe in can make a big
difference in how far you are willing to go to make a point. Sometimes it can
go so far as to begin to destroy your marriage or engagements and
relationships. Couples often come into therapy fighting about what they want
from each other rarely looking at the marriage as a whole. They would rather
stand on their point than begin to communicate toward conflict resolution. When
this happens it becomes difficult to set aside personal differences. How can a
married couple begin to move into acceptance of their mate’s perspective
without holding them in contempt of their own?
Often in disagreements there is a perspective coming from
each partner of how they think things should be. It can seem like each person
is carrying around an unpublished book of rules they expect their partner to
adhere to. The end result leads to frequent arguments and resentment of being
married to someone who will not see things their way. If the marriage is
healthy it can withstand a fight or an argument every once in a while. It’s not
a bad thing to air out grievances as long as it is done in a healthy respectful
way.
If you find yourself in a marriage full of frequent
arguments then perhaps it’s time to propose the question of what are you both
fighting for? Are you fighting for yourself or are you fighting for your
marriage? Sometimes they are both one and the same if the marriage is being
challenged, for example, by infidelity, addiction or financial troubles. The
difference is related to the perspective of how you view yourself and your
spouse within the context of the marriage. If you are fighting for yourself chances
are you have left your spouse out of the process and you will ultimately end up
fighting the battle to save your marriage all by yourself. An example of this
is trying to berate your spouse into compliance. If you are fighting for your
marriage then the resolution becomes a situation where two people come together
and collectively communicate their needs and expectations.
Chances are you and your spouse at one time in the beginning
of your relationship took the time to communicate and fall in love with each
other enough to want a lifetime commitment. If you are hitting hard times the
same approach applies, take time to communicate with each other in a respectful
manner exploring how to come to resolution and acceptance of your differences.
Remember, each person is often coming into conflict over
unseen rules and miscommunication. Become transparent and break out the rule
books and open them up for each other to examine. Share expectations and
negotiate moving forward toward acceptance of each other’s position. At the
heart of the matter is the marriage, collectively.
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