Why Some People Don't Know Who They Are
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
Have you ever watched someone struggle with answering a
simple open ended statement such as, “Tell me about yourself”? They seem to get lost often looking like a
deer caught in the headlights and respond with confusion, “Well, what do you
mean?” Or “What do you want to
know?” Occasionally they may even give
with overly generic statements that by the end you still have no idea who this
person is in front of you. Their
struggle is not because they don’t know how to answer as much as it is because
they really don’t know who they are and how they fit in with society.
These adults have not yet mastered Erik Erikson’s fifth
psychosocial stage of development called Identity vs. Confusion. During the years of twelve to eighteen, most
teenagers begin the search for who they are in comparison to the other adult and
peer influences in their lives. Around
twelve years old, a teen develops the cognitive ability to critical think
instead of just rote memorization. All
of the information the teen has learned is now being simulated into their life. This is why the most frequently asked
question by a teen is, “Why did I need to know this for my life” especially
when it comes to something they are not interested in such as trigonometry,
biochemistry, or metered poetry.
The Psychology. Developing a sense of identity requires all
of the years between twelve and eighteen and cannot be accomplished early. It is not until the teen has reached past
eighteen that a person is able to properly assess whether or not they developed
a strong sense of who they are.
Understanding who you are means that you can identify the
characteristics, traits, talents, gifts, and interests that distinguish you
from the other members of your family or your peers. Not only can you identify these things but
you must also be comfortable and appreciate your uniqueness. A person who is confused takes on a similar
personality to a parent or peer instead of developing their own or they take on
a personality designed for them by a parent or peer. In either case, they do not develop their
uniqueness nor take pride in it.
The Never Ending
Teen. A common belief that came out
of the 1970’s generation is that a person needs to “find themselves”. While this is true, it should be done during
the teen years and be completed just prior to entering into adulthood, it is
not supposed to be a life-long exploration.
The never ending teen is one who goes to college to have a good time and
leaves still having a good time only to move back home when the money runs out
usually without any prospect of a career.
They are in a state of confusion as to who they are, what they can
contribute, how they fit in, and where they are headed.
The Adult. Even sadder is an adult who still struggles
with these issues twenty or forty years later than they should. The adult remains confused and frequently
blames society, parents, the spouse, children, or anyone else for the shortfalls in
their life. This is not to be confused
with a mid-life crisis which is entirely different as a person reflects on
their life and frequently makes major changes because they are unhappy with the
direction they are headed. Rather, this
is a lack of direction from the beginning or a lack of desire to even have a
direction.
The Cure. In order for a person who is confused about
their role in life to continue on that journey into adulthood, there must be
another person enabling them. This
person makes excuses for them, indulges them, minimizes their behavior, or
likes them just the way they are because they are more easily manipulated and
controlled. So to change the confused
adult, the adult who is enabling them needs to stop. Otherwise, the confused adult will have no
motivation to change their behavior.
Once this has happened, the confused adult can begin the hard work of
figuring out who they really are.
The good part is that God did create everyone for a purpose
so the confused adult is not on a pointless journey into never-never-land. An adult who can identify their special gifts
and talents and who knows how to use those gifts and talents contributes well not
only to their family but to society.
Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at
work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or
blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must
remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.