Why Some People Are Doubtful and Others Are Confident
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
Have you ever spent time with a person who doubted nearly
everything they did or how about a person who is confident in their speech or
actions? What if they grew up in the
same household yet there this huge difference between the two of them? How can this be?
Erik Erikson in his eight stages of psychosocial development
explains that between the ages of two and four a child learns either confidence
or doubt. His second stage of development,
Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt, recognizes the importance of the toddler to learn
to do things or make choices on his/her own.
Too often, this time is marked by the toddler’s repeated statements of
“I do it” or “by myself” as an attempt to gain what little control they
can. It is also marked by temper
tantrums that seem to come out of nowhere, or do they?
The Psychology. A toddler is trying new things such as potty
training, putting on their clothes, eating without help from a caregiver or pretending
to read a book. They also like to mimic
the behavior and attitude of the caregiver or other siblings in an attempt to
learn more or do more on their own. But
if the caregiver insists on doing everything for the child because they take
too long or don’t do it the right way, the child learns to doubt their own
ability. The child may choose mismatched
clothing but the sense of accomplishment that they did it allows them to gain
confidence. On the other hand if the
caregiver reprimands the child, they feel a sense of shame and doubt.
The Child. As the child grows, this confidence allows
them to continue to try new things and even though they may not do it right the
first time, they have learned that they can keep working at it and eventually
get it right. If however they develop
doubt, they may be fearful of trying new things, insist that others help them,
or throw temper tantrums when there is too much control or too little
control. Either way, the child is not
capable of controlling him/herself so they enlist the help of others using
whatever means necessary including negative.
The Adult. An adult who has learned to be confident is
willing to go after the promotion, be bold when asking someone out on a date,
or be comfortable in a room full of strangers.
An adult who has learned to be doubtful questions the logic of even the
most basic level of decisions, seeks other domineering people to make decisions
for them or is insecure even in parties where they know most all of the
people. This trail of indecisiveness and
insecurity can sometimes cause them to feel shameful unnecessarily even when
they have not done anything wrong.
The Cure. Once a doubtful person recognizes that they
do not need to feel shame for their decisions, that they are entitled to make a
decision and fail, or that they do not need input or approval from others they
can begin to heal. While an overly
controlling caregiver can stifle the growth of a two to four year old, the now
adult child can gain confidence from trying things in a manner different from
how they were once trained. For
instance, if the child was told they must match their clothing before leaving
the house, the simple exercise of wearing mismatched clothing to the grocery
store can become a new foundation.
One more thing to remember is that as a Christian you are
not called to live a life of fear but rather a confident life secure in knowing
that Jesus is your Savior. It does not
matter what tragedy happened to you as a child during these formative years,
what does matter is that you realize you are not bound to a life of doubt and
shame but rather a life of freedom and independence.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.