When Your Spouse Wants to Separate and You Don’t
By Chris Hammond, MS, IMH
One of the hardest words to hear from your spouse is the request that you separate for a while or possibly even divorce. Sometimes these words are expected but they are never fully realized while other times these words catch you by surprise. It is hard to hear and even harder to understand the reason why the separation is necessary as the most obvious reason is frequently not the real reason. Trying to understand everything before you move on can be a fruitless process as you may not be dealing with the complete truth. Yet, if you will open yourself up and work past the pain, this can be a time for growth and healing.
Get thinking. Your time is best not spent making a list of your spouse’s faults and failures, more than likely if they wanted to know your thoughts, they would have asked. Quite possibly they may already know what you think and are not interested in being reminded of their failures. Instead of focusing your energy on them, you are far better off focusing your energy on yourself and what you can change. You cannot change your spouse, otherwise they would be a different person by now and you would not be in this position, but you can change yourself.
Get real. Do an inventory of yourself making a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Do not let your spouse or others to make the list, instead compile the list yourself. Once you have made the list then take a couple of days off and reevaluate the list adding and subtracting as needed. Having a better perspective of yourself allows you to see things differently and perhaps brings to light some of your failures in the marriage.
Get personal. Identify the areas that you have failed in your marriage and take responsibility for your faults. This is a time to ask for forgiveness for mistakes not only from those you have harmed but from God and yourself as well. This is an extremely difficult process and should be done with great care without expecting any results. This is not a time to compare faults and decide whose faults are worse; rather it is a time to deal with your issues.
Get moving. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will not help the situation. Your life has changed and it may be a temporary change or a permanent one but nonetheless it has changed. You need to adjust to your new situation, new environment, and new reality as soon as possible. One of the best ways is to try a new exercise routine, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or help a friend with their problem. By doing something for someone else, you can gain a better perspective on your own life.
While this list may not keep you from feeling depressed or sad due to the separation, it can help you to change your focus off your spouse and onto yourself in a more positive way. However, prolonged depression should be addressed with a medical professional or counselor. You can change and you can grow even through some of the most difficult times in your life.
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Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
One of the hardest words to hear from your spouse is the request that you separate for a while or possibly even divorce. Sometimes these words are expected but they are never fully realized while other times these words catch you by surprise. It is hard to hear and even harder to understand the reason why the separation is necessary as the most obvious reason is frequently not the real reason. Trying to understand everything before you move on can be a fruitless process as you may not be dealing with the complete truth. Yet, if you will open yourself up and work past the pain, this can be a time for growth and healing.
Get thinking. Your time is best not spent making a list of your spouse’s faults and failures, more than likely if they wanted to know your thoughts, they would have asked. Quite possibly they may already know what you think and are not interested in being reminded of their failures. Instead of focusing your energy on them, you are far better off focusing your energy on yourself and what you can change. You cannot change your spouse, otherwise they would be a different person by now and you would not be in this position, but you can change yourself.
Get real. Do an inventory of yourself making a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Do not let your spouse or others to make the list, instead compile the list yourself. Once you have made the list then take a couple of days off and reevaluate the list adding and subtracting as needed. Having a better perspective of yourself allows you to see things differently and perhaps brings to light some of your failures in the marriage.
Get personal. Identify the areas that you have failed in your marriage and take responsibility for your faults. This is a time to ask for forgiveness for mistakes not only from those you have harmed but from God and yourself as well. This is an extremely difficult process and should be done with great care without expecting any results. This is not a time to compare faults and decide whose faults are worse; rather it is a time to deal with your issues.
Get moving. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will not help the situation. Your life has changed and it may be a temporary change or a permanent one but nonetheless it has changed. You need to adjust to your new situation, new environment, and new reality as soon as possible. One of the best ways is to try a new exercise routine, volunteer at a homeless shelter, or help a friend with their problem. By doing something for someone else, you can gain a better perspective on your own life.
While this list may not keep you from feeling depressed or sad due to the separation, it can help you to change your focus off your spouse and onto yourself in a more positive way. However, prolonged depression should be addressed with a medical professional or counselor. You can change and you can grow even through some of the most difficult times in your life.
-------------------------------------
Reprint Permission- If this article helps you, please share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
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