Decreased Sex Drive in Married Women

By Chris Hammond, MS

It happens sometimes. You begin to notice that you are not interested in having sex with your husband as frequently as before or the thought of having sex at all is unappealing. Your sex drive seems to be decreasing and you are unsure as to why this is happening. There may not be any logical explanation at first but looking past the decreased sex drive to underlying issues may reveal one of the sources of the problems.

Be honest. This is not a time to be silent with your husband. He needs to know that you are experiencing a decrease in your sex drive and perhaps not achieving an orgasm as frequently as before. Most likely he has already noticed (unless you are faking an orgasm which is lying) and is wondering what is wrong and if he is at fault. Check for any relational problems in your marriage such as difficulty with in-laws, finances, communication, or the kids. Getting help with these problems and dealing with them can improve your sex drive.

Talk to your doctor. Sometimes there are physiological reasons for a decrease in sex drive. Age, discomfort during sex, painful sex or change in hormonal levels can all be contributing factors. By discussing your concerns with your doctor and running a few simple tests, the physiological reasons can be identified and in some cases resolved, improving your sex drive.

Heal from the past. Oftentimes when you are in a stable marriage relationship and things seem to be going well, sexual images of your past or unresolved sexual issues seem to appear. Your ability to put aside these images or issues is no longer working but dealing with them again is not what you want to do. Yet, this is precisely what is needed. A past experience of abortion, rape, molestation, sexual abuse, multiple partners, pornography, sexually transmitted disease or infection can all be contributing factors to your decreased sex drive now. By taking some time to work with a professional counselor to help heal from these past hurts your sex drive can be improved.

Reduce stress. The stress of maintaining a household, managing the competing schedules of your husband and children, and working to improve your family’s financial situation can be overwhelming at times. Just knowing what needs to be done and also knowing that it all cannot be done increases your stress level as you try to figure out what will get left unfinished. More often than not, the things that get left undone are the very things that help you to relax and unwind. Things like proper amounts of sleep, eating right, exercising, reading a favorite book, taking a relaxing bath, going on a date with your husband, or just playing with your kids. By adding these activities back into your schedule and taking time out for yourself, your sex drive can be improved.

A decrease in your sex drive can be useful in identifying other issues that may need to be addressed in your marriage or life. But not addressing your diminished sex drive could result in an increase in marriage problems or and increase in lack of self-confidence, neither of which is desirable for a healthy marriage and family. This is a problem that will not go away with time or get better without being addressed, rather it is something you can confront and manage.


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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2011), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.

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