Hot Monogomy

When The Sizzle Turns To A Fizzle

John Wagner
Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Coach

Couples are struggling so much in the area of healthy sexuality. You probably do not know that we are struggling with a sexless epidemic in marriages in America. Couples come to me in so much pain and confusion over this very complex subject and don’t realize it is a common problem. All they know is the sizzle has turned to a fizzle.

There are two basic reasons for a sexual desire discrepancy in a relationship where one in the relationship has a low libido or low sexual desire. One is physiological and the other is psychological. Which one is causing the dilemma is complex and complicated.

A couple arrived at my office years ago with a common problem. This couple had a 12 month old and a 4 year old. The husband was starved for physical affection and had been since their first baby was born. The wife was getting just about as much physical contact as she could stand with nursing the new born and having a clinging toddler.

Sex is only 10% of a marriage but it is the first 10%. The above case is so typical of the kind of couples who come to me for help and is typical of the type of work we do in therapy. Sex therapy is focusing on the intimate zone that is so hard to discuss but so crucial to a relationship. Many couples are heart broken over the issue because it is so difficult and personal to discuss. I find our egos are so fragile over the area of our sexuality and we can be easily hurt and feel incompetent when our partner is just trying to express a need that is not being met.

Gender is not necessarily the problem because there are a certain percentage of men who have low sexual desire. Some men do not even think of sex much less going to all the trouble to have a connection with their partner.

Often times it is life’s routines that can put a damper on your relationships. We also reach a point where we can become relationally lazy and have no life passions to put energy into our relationship.

Get things started by reconnecting with these strategies:
Make a date – Time with your spouse is crucial for rekindling romance, especially for women, who often need emotional foreplay to get to the physical foreplay.
Snuggle up – Nonsexual touching triggers the release of the hormone oxytocin, which has a calming effect and increases bonding with your partner.
Get help – Call on friends, family, or professionals to help lighten your load, whether it’s from childcare, housework, or overwhelming emotions.
Rule out physiological areas by checking with an urologist or gynecologist.

John Wagner is author, speaker, life coach, family business consultant, and psychotherapist. He has written the Love Can Build A Bridge workbook, How Do You Keep The Music Playing For Couples, and Getting Off The Parenting Merry Go Round. He is a National Certified Counselor, a Certified Advanced Clinician in Imago Relationship Therapy, an ordained minister, licensed in the state of Florida as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He has spoken in churches and organizations all over the country on healing relationships and reaching your dreams in life. He has been on television talk shows and had a radio show on spiritual warfare. His web site is and can be reached through the Life Works Group at 407-295-2442 in Winter Park, Florida

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