3 Types Of Codependency
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
Codependency is a word that was born out of the addiction
field of therapy. It’s a description that is used for a person who is involved
with a person who has substance abuse problems. The codependent has an
addiction as well. They are addicted to love.
There are many traits and characteristics of a codependent
that can be sub-categorized under the big 3 discussed here. These are the
fixer, the controller and the apathetic. In addiction they may also be accused
of being an enabler or a rescuer. Codependents provide resources to the
addicted person hoping they will get love in return. And hope is the key word,
they hold out for the hope of getting love if they just prove how wonderful
they are to the addicted person. This creates a double bind in the
relationship, henceforth, the codependent and the dependent.
Usually it takes years before the codependent realizes they
will never get the love they seek. Or, the codependent notices a behavioral
reinforcement scheme where the codependent feels loved only when affection is
given after the addicts fix is provided. The codependent is treated as a
resource usually in the form of financial and other provisions that allow the
addicted person to live free from being a responsible person.
Codependents suffer from the perception of fear that they will
live lonely and without love. So they try to do their best to hang onto
relationships even though they are unhealthy. This unhealthy relationship
demonstrates evidence of how they have a distorted sense of responsibility and
lack healthy objectivity. This leads them into a codependent lifestyle. What
they don’t understand is that people are responsible to themselves.
Codependents in their attempt to find and hang onto love, deploys some form of
fix, rescue and/or control method.
Here are 3 types of codependents.
The fixer. This type recognizes a perceived problem with
another person and jumps in to try and fix the problem instead of letting the
person fix their own problem. At this point they are having a warped sense of
responsibility and not letting the other person handle their own affairs. To a
healthy person, they will almost drive you nuts with their insistence to get
things for you, or to do something for you. Their motive is to be liked or
needed by you.
The controller. This type is more of manipulation than
anything else. They try to control outcomes in relationships, at work, family
gatherings etc. They work feverishly to try and make things go a certain way
producing outcomes that fit their beliefs. The motive here is the belief that
people are not capable of taking care of themselves and must be cared for. What
they really want is for people to recognize how wonderful they are and get love
in return.
The apathetic. The apathetic is just like it sounds. Have you
ever met that person whose negativity just sucks the life right out of you?
They are fishing for sympathy. Internally they feel that they are not enough
and are hoping someone will come along and feel sorry for them. It’s almost
like the opposite of the fixer. They have low self worth about how much they
mean to someone. They carry around an underlying question of “am I lovable?” They
frequently will seek attention and are very clingy in relationships.
If you are someone you
know suffers from a lifestyle of these traits there are ways to get help. If
you are in a relationship with a codependent, help is usually not far away. Get
help with a qualified trained therapist who can easily teach you boundaries and
how to handle yourself in these situations. Likewise with the codependent, getting
help can be a liberating process to free yourself of the compulsion you may
feel as a result of these behaviors.
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