How to Stop Taking Things Personally

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 By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC

Taking things personally is attributed to low self esteem behavior. Low self esteem is caused by a negative view someone takes of themselves. This view creates a distortion of how you see yourself which translates into a negative perception of how you think someone else may see you. If you have a strong sense of low self worth and shame and don’t think highly of yourself, you will think and feel someone else may have the same viewpoint.

This personal devaluation is like a filter that creates a distorted sense of self. So when somebody says something to us, the filter that we use to view ourselves gets applied to the incoming message. The message gets distorted by “personally” applying that filter. For example; a message that was meant for something good or positive gets filtered out and gets received as something bad. It got personalized.

In order to stop taking things personally the filter has to change. This requires building in new thinking habits that will change the way the filter works. Below is a list of options that can help change the filter so you can stop taking things personally.

●       Other people's thoughts and opinions are not about you. If you can master this one you will most likely be home free and need nothing more. What people think of you is a reflection of their own issues. They might be having a bad day or it could just be their personality. Not all people are nice. What comes out of other people’s mouths is not your fault. While you cannot control other people, you can build some personal rules for yourself of how you are going to respond to rude people.

●       Change how you view the other person. Change your expectation of how you think someone “should” be or what they say. For example, if someone doesn't smile or greet you, they might have something going on they are struggling with.  If we change how we view the other person we can take a more balanced approach about what we think is going on with that person.

●       Take comments or criticism in a constructive way. Before you agree or disagree with someone you feel is criticizing you, take a moment to reflect and look for the evidence that makes the criticism true. If you feel it’s true you can simply thank them, make adjustments and move on. If you disagree that is also okay. Healthy people are okay with disagreements and will respect the fact that you disagree with them.

●       Take a different perspective. What would a friend say in this situation? Or take a step outside the situation and try to look at what was said from an outsider’s point of view. If what you were told was said to a friend what would you say to that friend?

●       Realize that you can’t please everyone. No matter who you are or what you do, there will always be people who dislike or criticize you. Give yourself permission to be yourself and move on. One way to be miserable in life is trying to make everyone happy.

●       Let go of perfectionism. Trying to be perfect in the eyes of others is a very difficult way to live. Perfectionism can lead to a host of mental issues including anger, resentment, depression, low self-esteem, and a loss of relationships. At some point we all make mistakes and fail at some things in life. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s up to you how to choose your response to mistakes. Stop beating yourself up, fix the mistake if possible and move on.

●       Know that your worth is not defined by others.  Who is it that says you are who you are? Your worth is who you are as a whole person despite what others say. Look within and find the real you and be that person. Your self-worth depends on you.

●       Seek help if you need it. Counseling can be very instrumental in self discovery of who you are as a person, what is important to you in life and to find meaning and purpose. Sometimes personal issues can be challenging and you don't have to try and muscle your way through it all. It’s okay to get help. 

Changing how you think about other people’s comments or criticisms requires effort, persistence and some time to stop taking them personally. It requires changing habits and learned behaviors and replacing them with new ones. Over time you will find that your self-esteem and overall personal well-being will improve. You will learn to be yourself and feel comfortable there. In the same respects you will allow others to be themselves without taking things personally from them. 

 

To schedule an appointment with Brian Murray,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org

 

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