7 Ways Narcissists Manipulate

By: Brian Murray LMHC

Not all narcissists are bad, and not all of them are good either. Most of them are arrogant, haughty and bombastic with a high level of self-focus. As far as they are concerned, they are the most intelligent and important person in the room. Nobody can match them or be as good as they are, because, you know, they are the bomb. They know everything about anything, even if they have no evidence or achievements to back themselves up.

 But one thing they all do is bring with them a unique set of behaviors that can be spotted from the trained eye, or to what I refer to as "the awakened brain." The awakened brain sees the behavior, makes a connection with that behavior to narcissism, and will from that point on be able to recognize it. Once you see it, you cannot un-see it. It's like casting light into a dark place where it gets illuminated. These behaviors can be spotted by someone who has learned what to look out for. So whether you are in a relationship with a narcissist, or think you are, there are certain traits to watch out for that can be clues to the fact that you are dealing with narcissistic behaviors.

There are many more ways than the 7 listed here that a person can spot narcissism. The narcissist is an expert at twisting and distorting reality and will go to great lengths to try and fool you. When called out, they will try and turn things around to make you think you are the one who is distorted. This list is just a few of the ways this gets played out.

1. They get you to walk on eggshells. Walking on eggshells is a metaphor for people in relationship to tread lightly so that the narcissist doesn't get emotionally charged. It's a form of avoidance and usually the result of being abused by the narcissist.
2. Use of Criticism. The grandiose attitude of a narcissist is such that nobody knows anything more than them, and when you try to voice an opinion or make a statement they criticize you. This often comes in the form of being accused of being stupid or you don't know anything. This is followed by their own corrective statement with a critical tone.
3. They Cast Blame. When you are Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful then you can do no wrong, right? Um, wrong. Blame shifting is a psychology term used to describe someone who does not accept or take responsibility for their actions and blames others. This behavior runs rampant with narcissism. The possibility of them even contemplating they have done anything wrong just doesn't fit within their life scheme. If they do, be cautious of gaslighting or the onset of manipulation games.
4. Attacking behavior. This is what I refer to as "poking the dragon." When you poke a dragon they breathe fire. The raging anger from a narcissist can be some of the worst you will ever see. This is usually a clear indication you have crossed way over the line in their world, they will not tolerate it and this is their way of getting you back in line. At least in their world.
5. Perversion. They start with something good and pervert it into something bad. You may have good intentions about a project, or something you did out of the goodness of your heart and the narcissist will turn it around by finding something wrong with it. This also fits with the sexual context of perversion, making it into something that is not acceptable. They do this to maintain their power and control by being rough in the bedroom or doing acts that are questionable or against the will of their partner.
6. Paranoia. They will conjure up in their imagination of what they "think" is going on with you and then use that thinking as a reality base for an accusation. It follows the mantra "I think it, therefore, it must be true." They will swear up and down that their thinking is right and the more you deny false accusations the angrier they get.
7. Power and Control. Narcissists love being having power and being in control. They will often make shocking statements to throw you off leaving them with a sense of control. They will use money, sex, intimidation, and threats to make you feel nervous and afraid. This all gives the narcissist the feeling that they have you right where they need you, fearful. Dropping the "F" bomb, throwing objects and being difficult to get along with also are present with power and control issues. 

While all of 7 of these are common, they are not everything. Narcissists have been reinforcing their behavior all of their lives and chances of them changing is slim to none. They can be helped in therapy as long as they accept that they have a problem and willing to change it. Most counseling challenges are with the person who is in a relationship with the narcissist. If you find that you are this person, then learning how to respond to the narcissist is very important. You have to learn to identify the tactics and appropriate responses to them. In some worst-case scenarios, getting out of the relationship or marriage may be the only solution.

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