Narcissism Passed Down a Generation
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
At
12 years old, Tabitha was the polar opposite of her narcissistic parent. Her
father was an overt grandiose narcissist who loved to brag about himself.
Whenever Tabitha excelled, her father would take the credit but not before
pointing out that he had accomplished even more. By contrast, Tabitha was subtle, hated the
spot light, and would go silent in times of trouble. Her demeanor was so
different from her narcissistic father, that her mother thought there was no
need for concern. But there was.
Tabitha
failed to see anything wrong with her narcissistic father and frequently idolized
him, especially over her mother. Despite her mother’s attempts at praise, understanding
and empathy, Tabitha continued to favor her dad. Even when he was blatantly
wrong, yelling at her and verbally attacking her, Tabitha remained steadfast. The difference was so striking that her mom
was sure Tabitha couldn’t be a narcissist. But she could.
Covert
narcissism is occasionally seen in
children of narcissistic parents.
Basically it works like this. Tabitha
idealized her father so much that she got satisfaction out of pleasing him
because he was so difficult to please. Tabitha
gave her father an unending supply of adoration and admiration which he craved. Because Tabitha supplied her father’s needs
with excessive praise, her father then became possessive and dependent as an
addict is to a drug in an unhealthy manner.
Tabitha figuratively became the mirror which her father used to view his
inflated ego.
What
can be done? There really is no use in
identifying all of the flaws of Tabitha’s father because it will only serve as
a point of contention between the Tabitha’s mother and Tabitha, possibly ending in alienation. Instead, Tabitha’s mother didn’t burst her
daughter’s bubble about her father. She also didn’t lie by agreeing with Tabitha
either. Rather she listened to Tabitha’s
point of view and didn’t take Tabitha’s feelings for granted. This naturally set her mother apart from father
because he lacked remorse and empathy.
What
can be said? Tabitha’s mother might not
be in the best position to bring clarity to Tabitha’s opinions about her father. More than likely Tabitha’s mother was too
emotionally involved to think clearly and present an alternative opinion. In addition, they need to focus on
non-manipulative communication with Tabitha avoiding such pitfalls as guilt
tactics or bribery. So Tabitha’s mom
found a safe adult person that Tabitha could confide in to discuss any issues
related to her father. This person
should have a full understanding of narcissism and not be subject to the same
idealization as Tabitha.
Will
it get better? Yes but not without some
hurt feelings along the way. Tabitha’s
father eventually disappointed Tabitha because his facade cannot be maintained
for too long (sometimes this doesn’t happen until adulthood). In the meantime, Tabitha’s mother didn’t do
anything to destroy her relationship with Tabitha knowing that she will need a
strong parental bond because her father is not empathic. Also, Tabitha wanted to spend alone time with
her father. This alone time may just be
what was needed to bring about clarity for Tabitha in the difference between her two parents.
Is
there hope? Upon learning about the covert narcissism, Tabitha’s mother
wondered if there was hope for Tabitha to get better. There is always hope.
Narcissism is not set until the age of 18, so there is plenty of time to teach
the value of empathy, kindness, generosity, selflessness, confidence, and
humility. These are the anti-narcissism ingredients that can keep Tabitha from
becoming like her father.
Narcissism
is hard to deal with by itself. Even
mature adults struggle with it. Imagine how hard it is for the child who does
not have the life experience to tell them something is wrong. At some point in adulthood the child will
confront the non-narcissistic parent about the narcissistic parent. Be prepared
to be honest about the struggle and provide successful strategies going
forward.
To
schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please
call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org
