7 Steps of Healing From Domestic Violence
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
The first time Nancy came into counseling she had a hard
time looking at her therapist. Embarrassed and ashamed of the bruises on her
body, the mental torture from her spouse, and sexual acts he coerced her into doing,
she struggled to talk. She believed that she deserved to be treated this way
and her actions were causing his rage. Nancy minimized his acts by making
excuses for his abusive behavior and blaming herself.
It took a while for Nancy to summon the courage leave her
husband. Once she did, she thought that all of her problems would be over and
she would be healed. However, what she thought was the finish of a race, was
really just the beginning. It took her over a year to recover from her trauma
and get to a place of feeling at peace. Here’s how she did it.
1.
Safety
first. The healing process begins when the victim of
abuse is finally away from their abuser. Unfortunately this step can take
months or even years of planning and preparation before it can become a
reality. Safety means the victim is physically away from their attacker and can
sleep without fear. After Nancy left, she had a hard time believing she was
safe and needed the reassurance of others literally saying, “You are safe,”
over and over until it began to feel real.
2.
Stabilize
environment. The temptation of therapists is to dive into
the healing process after a victim is deemed safe. But doing this before the
stabilization of a new environment can re-traumatize. Rather, the victim needs
a period of rest to adjust to a new normal before the therapeutic work begins.
The length of this necessary step is dictated solely by the victim and the
amount of abuse endured. It took several months before Nancy felt like she
could breathe again as the confused fog of abuse lifted.
3.
Support
unconditionally. Between her therapist and two close
friends, Nancy felt loved unconditionally even when she talked about how much
she missed her abusive husband. It was as if Nancy was forgetting the trauma
and only remembering the good times they shared. One of her family members
became so frustrated with Nancy’s sadness that they yelled at her and pulled
away. This was so painful for Nancy but the continued support of her two
friends more than made up for the lack of family support.
4.
Share
experiences. One of the most helpful steps to recovery from
abuse is to find a support group with other victims of abuse. This shared
common experience allows a person to realize that they are not alone in their
abusive encounters. Abuse is very isolating, personal, degrading, humiliating,
and shameful. Knowing that other intelligent, beautiful, talented, and kind
people have been abused is both saddening and relieving. Nancy’s support group
gave her additional people that she could lean on who understood from their own
experience what she was going through.
5.
Settle
incidents. This is often the most difficult step from an
awareness perspective. As the obvious abuse is recounted, new obscure abuse
comes to light. Most victims don’t even realize the extent of their abuse until
they reach this step. When they do, it can be overwhelming and will likely
restart the grieving process all over again. As Nancy examined each major
traumatic incident, other types of abuse surfaced. She came to see that she was
also mentally, verbally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and sexually
abused in addition to her physical abuse. Processing this information was hard
at first, but it put a nail in the coffin of her abusive relationship for good.
There was no turning back now for Nancy.
6.
Stitch
wounds. In order to stich the wounds of Nancy’s abuse,
she needed to rewrite her internal dialog of what happened. In the past, she
would minimize his contribution to an incident and take excessive
responsibility for his behavior. When she stopped doing this and instead held
him responsible for his actions, things changed. Nancy no longer believed that
she was worthless or deserving of his abusive treatment. As time progressed,
she began to take pride in her scars as evidence of her strength,
determination, fortitude, and perseverance.
7.
Set
standards. The final step towards Nancy’s healing was to
set new standards for how she expected to be treated. These became the
boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. Anytime a person would violate one
of her limitations, she would confront them. If they demonstrated respect by
their actions and not words, Nancy would remain in the relationship. If they
did not, she ended things. These new standards helped to reduce her fear that
she would reenter into another abusive relationship.
It is important to note that abuse can happen to anyone in
any relationship. While this article highlights Nancy’s experience of abuse
from her husband, a man can also be the victim of abuse from his wife. Partner
relationships, parent/child relationships, and friendships can be abusive as
well. It is not the nature of the relationship or the
sensitivity of the victim that determines abusiveness; rather it is the
actions of the abuser.
To schedule an appointment with Christine
Hammond,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
