Wise Words for Those Living with a Narcissist
By: Christine Hammond
LMHC
Shortly
after their marriage, Jack became aware of the narcissism in his wife. At
first, he thought it was immaturity but after their child was born, things escalated.
Unable to fully attach onto their child, she became more demanding and
self-absorbed. There were times when life seemed to be a series of competition
over who would get more of Jack’s attention.
Twenty
years later and now divorced from his wife, Jack’s relationship with their
child was solid. His attachment to their adult child was strong but not over-powering.
During the road to recovery from being married to a narcissist, Jack overcame
the destructive verbal abuse that he silently endured. His newly found freedom
allowed him to discover fresh personal interests as he began to embrace life
with zest and passion.
It
was at a work convention that Jack met Steve, a young inspiring manager. At
this point in his career, Jack had achieved success and in his desire to give
back to others, he was looking to be a mentor. What began as work coaching
quickly morphed into personal at the discovery that Steve was married to a
narcissist. Eager to impart his knowledge onto Steve, Jack shared his wisdom:
1. Understand narcissism. It is not enough to know the definition
of the word when living with a narcissist, rather a full grasp of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder must be achieved. This is the equivalent of obtaining a master’s
degree on the subject. As new information comes to light, the understanding of
the disorder must grow and evolve.
2. Don’t expect change. One of the defining characteristics of
narcissism is an inability to see that they are the problem. Instead, the
narcissist believes they are superior and others are inferior. Expecting this
to change is unrealistic and causes more issues, not for the narcissist, but
rather those living with them.
3. Don’t lose your identity. Narcissists have a way to trying to
transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their
dominant ego dictates that other’s lives would be better if they were more like
the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact
in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.
4. Establish own standards. Narcissists expect perfectionism and
clairvoyance from those around them through constant demands and belittling
remarks. To survive in such an environment, a person needs to establish their
own goals, standards, and expectations independent of the narcissist. Staying
true to those beliefs and guidelines helps to maintain a healthy outlook on
life and self.
5. Set invisible boundaries. When a person gives a narcissist a firm
boundary, they constantly go up to the line and try to push things even
further. It’s a challenge for them. So, the alternative is to set boundaries
that are unspoken such as “I will leave if they have an affair,” or “I have a
zero tolerance for physical abuse.”
6. Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of
mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the
narcissist denies reality and instead paints a completely different picture so
believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract
this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For
instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an
ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have
some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it
and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
7. Have a safe outlet. A valuable asset, when married to a narcissist,
is to have a safe person to talk about the struggles in the marriage. This could
be a close friend or counselor, but should not be a family member. Preferably,
as in the case of Jack and Steve, it is a person who understands the disorder
and is willing to provide unconditional support. This should not be a person
with localities to the narcissist in any way.
The
relationship between Jack and Steve grew over the years as both received the
benefit of each other’s experience. For Jack, he was able to pass on his life
lessons to Steve who was grateful to have someone who understands his journey. This
type of relationship fosters healthy individual growth and promotes well-being
in both parties.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond,
Please call our office
at 407-647-7005.