Break the Spell of the Narcissistic Step-Parent
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
They
appear at just the right time: a broken family torn apart by divorce or death
in desperate need of emotional security and starved for normal amounts
attention. Enter the narcissist, hidden by a veil of perfection, who
immediately endears themselves to every family member (pets included)
navigating the personality differences with ease. They are charming, caring,
generous, kind, and seem to have it all together. They anticipate the needs of
others and come willingly to the rescue without complaint.
The broken
family instantly falls in love and adores the narcissist for the lavish gifts
and the net of protection they seem to provide. The narcissist feels the
family’s admiration and is drawn in even further. For the narcissist, this
family gets just how special they are and fully appreciates them for all they
do. Finally, they have found what they were missing in their other
relationships.
The
marriage often happens quickly with everyone still wearing rose colored
glasses. But something happens when the vows of commitment are made. It is as
if the magic spell has been broken and a new harsh reality is established. The
family comes to expect the attention of the narcissist as normal so they no
longer show appreciation for the little things. The narcissist feels
unacknowledged so they withdraw or lash out in anger. And thus the downward
spiral begins.
But how
does a family know that they are dealing with a narcissistic step-parent? Here
are some characteristics:
·
Once the rescuer, always
the rescuer.
The narcissist believes that when they entered the family’s life, they rescued
them from devastation. From this point into all of eternity, they expect to be
recognized and appreciated for this one act regardless of their current
behavior. When the family forgets, they are reminded and immediate gratitude is
demanded.
·
Picture perfect. Watch out Facebook
fans, the narcissist will post picture perfect photos of just how wonderful
everything is. They expect the family to live up to their strict standards of
appearance, especially in public, without taking into account how the family
was before the marriage. The narcissist doesn’t fold into the family unit; they
expect the family unit to conform to them.
·
Friendship shift. As time progresses, the
narcissist will find fault with the family’s friends. Anyone they knew prior to
the narcissist becomes a threat and therefore must be eliminated. The new
friendships are frequently shallow and short lived because few people live up
to the demands of the narcissist. The family feels alone without their previous
support.
·
“It’s my way or the
highway.” There
is no negotiating with a narcissist. It’s either all their way or they will
leave citing the family’s lack of appreciation for their efforts. Threats of
abandonment are frequent and inappropriately timed especially when done in
front of the children. Already struggling with the abandonment of one parent,
the kids will do nearly anything to keep it from happening again.
·
Emotional blackmail. The downward spiral has
the potential for re-traumatizing the family who already experienced the loss
of one parent. So in a desperate attempt to keep the same mistake from
happening, they willingly conform to the narcissist’s unrealistic expectations.
The narcissist knows this and uses it whenever their needs of attention,
affirmation, appreciation and affection are not being met.
·
Shifting compassion. In the beginning of the
relationship, the narcissist seemed so emphatic about the family and their
needs. However, as time progressed after the marriage, that compassion shifted
from the family onto the narcissist. Now there are frequent demands that the
family is not sympathetic enough of the narcissist.
·
Missing parent jealousy.
One of
the things the narcissist will claim is that they are constantly being compared
to the missing parent. They will even admit to being envious of how much
everyone idealizes the absent parent regardless if that statement is true or
not. It becomes a self-filling prophesy. Once the narcissist has brought this
to the family’s attention, it is impossible to not compare the two and secretly
wish for the issues of the past over the present.
·
Condescending remarks. The downward spiral and
condescending remarks eventually escalates into a family verses the narcissist
battle. Unless the narcissist has successfully alienated each family member and
turned them on each other. In this case it becomes the family verses family
minus the narcissist. Nevertheless, it is the constant nick-picking that
deteriorates the family unit.
·
All is not
lost however. Even when it is apparent that there is a narcissist step-parent,
there is still a chance for hope and healing. The key is early identification
and intervention.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please
call our office at 407-647-7005.