The Secret Facade of the Vulnerable Narcissist
by: Christine Hammond, LMHC, NCC
At first, they seem
so quiet and unobtrusive; a refreshing break from the normal banter of
one-up-man-ship that frequently dominates an initial conversation. But then the
sly remarks characteristic of inattentiveness began, along with a victimization
mentality where the whole world is out to get them, and a hypersensitivity to unintentional
disparaging comments. The switch is so dramatic that it is hardly noticeable
until it becomes unnerving.
The narcissistic
qualities of a vulnerable narcissist (VN) are masked by helplessness,
emotionality, and reticent behavior. They are not dissimilar to covert or
introverted narcissists which fly far under the grandiose radar of a typical
narcissist. Here are some signs of a VN:
·
They
are typically highly sensitive people to the extreme level. Only their feelings
have significance or importance, not another’s. Instead of using their
sensitivity to understand and meet the needs of others, they take offense to
the slightest emotional reaction, personalize other person’s feelings, and
ultimately make it all about them.
·
Just
like the grandiose narcissists (GN), VNs like to be considered a perfectionist
in their area of specialty. However, while GNs will insist they are perfect and
believe others see them that way, VNs believe they are perfect but others fail
to see them that way.
·
The
VN is similar to the emotional up and downs of Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD) but without the self-harming behavior that is characteristic of BPD. VNs
might threaten to self-harm as in intimidation tactic but usually do not follow
through.
·
There
is no healthy way to question the emotions and subsequent responses of a VN as
they are always right. Even when the emotion is out of proportion to the event,
it still cannot be examined for any fault.
·
VNs
are more prone to depression because the reality of their life doesn’t meet the
fantasy life they feel entitled to receive. This inconsistency might cause them
to quit jobs without any regard for the consequences of the decision because
the work place does not live up to their expectations.
·
The
victim card is routinely played to justify actions that others may see as
disconcerting. Typical statements include: “Everyone is out to get me because
I’m better than them,” or “This is not my fault but someone else fault.”
·
One
of the other interesting characteristics of a VN is their classic passive-aggressive
behavior. They typically will ignore a person as punishment for not doing what
they were told, not looking good enough, or not being as smart as they are.
·
Similar
to BPD, VNs are plagued by chronic feelings of emptiness. However, unlike BPDs
who try to fill the void with new and exciting relationships, VNs become more
introverted. This withdraw is because no one will ever be good enough to engage
in an intimate relationship. The fantasy person is non-existent.
·
The
massive insecurity at the root of narcissism is covered with silence instead of
grandiose behavior. In fact, they are extremely judgmental of anyone who
displays pretentious, flamboyant, or lavish behaviors.
·
Unlike
GNs, VNs ae very talented in using false humility and shallow apologies to get
what they want. However, when pressed, even they will agree that they don’t
mean it and will even blame the other person’s weakness for having to apologize
in the first place.
·
Because
of the complete lack of intimate relationships, VNs may do better with on-line
relationships than face-to-face. This allows the VN to maintain the illusory
relationship as being more significant than it is.
·
Instead
of being charming like the GNs, VNs act aloft, smug, disinterested, bored,
condescending, inattentive, and judgmental around others. They use this tactic
to draw others in without having to engage in a real conversation.
Don’t let a VN
fool you into thinking that they are unlike the GN counterparts. They actually
have far more in common and are very capable of narcissistic behavior. It is
just done is a sneaky manner.
To schedule an
appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org