10 Ways to Stay Codependent
Brian M. Murray, MS, IMH
Codependency used to be associated only with those who are
in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. Codependent is a term that
arose out of the addiction community that addicts used to described the type of
person to whom they would show love in order to use them as a resource to feed
their habit.
More recently, codependency has been expanded as a broader
term to describe a behavior pattern that can affect anyone, not just those who
are in relationship with an addict. Codependency is identified when a person
sacrifices their well-being in favor of the interests and well-being of others.
The other is usually a person with whom they are in a significant or marriage
relationship. Codependency can happen in other areas as well such as family,
church and at work. While all people need community and to feel accepted,
codependents go out of their way to get this acceptance and love from others,
often to the detriment of their true self character and integrity.
Denial is a codependent sub-type and there are times when
people who are suffering simply don’t want to change and would rather continue
with the suffering. Often the main reason for this is because the behavior is
something they are familiar with and it is a habit they are not ready to break.
Change requires dropping the fear of the unknown to begin to live in a more
healthy way. So, if a person wants to stay codependent and continue to live in
denial, here are 10 ways to do so:
1. Don’t
talk about your problems and keep them a secret.
2. Ignore
your feelings and focus primarily on everyone else’s feelings.
3. Put
yourself squarely between two arguing people and play conflict messenger.
4. Make
sure when talking to others you soften your words in order to diminish any
chance of emotional outbursts.
5. Make
sure you interpret self care as being selfish.
6. Believe
that it is not okay to have personal rights in a relationship, be healthy or be
happy.
7. You
are not allowed to play and have fun until the needs of others have been met
first.
8. Be
responsible for others by picking/cleaning up after them and not allowing them
to do it for themselves.
9. Call
in sick for your spouse who drinks too much and can’t make it work or is too
hung-over from the night before.
10. Remember,
your good feelings about who you are stem from how well others approve of you
and the things you do for them.