Searching for Gratitude in Difficult Times
Gratitude: More Than Just a Seasonal Emotion
Every holiday season, we start seeing an outpouring of posts, pictures, and advertisements about gratitude. Words beautifully scripted in calligraphy across warm fall landscapes beckon us to search for those warm feelings and happy memories. I don’t know about you, but when I encounter these reminders, it often feels like whatever is going on in my life or in the world needs to be tucked away so I can start searching for the gratitude I’m supposed to be feeling. I don’t think we do this intentionally; it's just something that happens inside of us. It's as if, to be truly grateful, we must do so at the exclusion of any other emotions that might seem opposed to it. What's more, we're led to believe that gratitude is supposed to be equivalent to a warm, feel-good experience we can wrap ourselves in, making it feel true. But real gratitude isn’t like that. It’s powerful and transformative. It changes us from the inside out, but not in a superficial or quick way.
In light of this, there are two important truths we need to keep in mind as we approach a more authentic understanding of thanksgiving and gratitude:
- First, feeling grateful doesn’t happen when we exclude or erase other emotions like grief, sorrow, anxiety, or pain.
- Second, practicing gratitude is not about capturing a shallow, feel-good emotion to avoid the pain in the world around us. Real gratitude takes courage. It’s a practice that develops amid, not in place of, all the other emotions and circumstances we face.
Gratefulness and Sorrow
Engaging with thankfulness and gratitude doesn’t require us to overcome or disconnect from feelings of sorrow and pain. It doesn’t mean we need to replace them to practice gratitude. In fact, we’re made with an incredible capacity for emotional complexity, able to hold multiple feelings at once. Sometimes, when I’m feeling one emotion strongly, I forget that there are others accompanying it. This means we can allow feelings like sadness, anxiety, and anger to be present while also making space for feelings of gratitude.
This is especially important to recognize as we enter a season focused on gratitude amidst times that hold so much anxiety and sorrow. It may be difficult for you to imagine feeling grateful when there is so much pain in your life and the lives of others. But I invite you to experiment with holding both gratitude and whatever other emotions you may be feeling.
In her book Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Samin Nosrat discusses the four basic elements needed to create a truly remarkable dish: salt, fat, acid, and heat. These ingredients seem to be in contrast with one another, yet Nosrat explains that when combined in healthy, thoughtful ways, they create a complex and satisfying experience. Gratefulness is like that. Far from being an isolated emotion void of all others, gratitude that mingles with sorrow and uncertainty creates a fuller, more meaningful life.
Gratefulness Takes Courage
When we step away from the elegant, inspirational quotes about gratitude that flood our social media feeds, we may begin to see a grittier picture of the journey gratitude invites us on. The journey of gratitude takes courage because we have to get our hands dirty as we search for it in unexpected places. All worthwhile journeys ask for slow and lasting transformation. They invite us onward as we push forward through dense forests, rocky trails, and wide open fields. Sometimes, gratitude will feel easy to find, and other times, we’ll need to search for it in dry or overgrown places.
When I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I was surprised and deeply moved by her story of a woman choosing to embark on a journey to hunt for gratitude. Far from being a simplistic, feel-good interpretation of gratitude that erases sorrow, I found instead a woman who diligently sought beauty in the midst of both the challenges and joys of daily life. Her story made me realize that the search for beauty, leading to gratitude, is not only possible but also worth the risk.
So, as we enter a season highlighted by gratitude, may I invite you to first gently set aside the idea that gratitude erases all other emotions you might be feeling? Instead, pick up your walking stick and begin the journey to discover where gratitude is waiting for you.
Here are some ideas to help you start:
As you go about your day, try to find something that captivates you, even if only for a moment. Look for small pockets of beauty, and consider what you can be thankful for in that moment.
Think of someone who is supporting you through a difficult season. How have they cared for you? What aspects of that person bring out gratitude in you?
The next time you're around someone who’s difficult to love or be around, acknowledge what makes them challenging. Then, see if you can identify something about them to be grateful for. Look for a quality or characteristic that you can appreciate.
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