Grieving Over the Holidays

By: Megan Brewer, LMHC

During the holiday season, many people find themselves looking forward with eager anticipation to the traditions and celebrations that make this time of year so special. The cool fall breezes, crisp mornings and festive decorations swirl around us and build our excitement as we look hopefully towards the special times and meals with those we love. 

But while many are excitedly looking forward to this season, there are some who are anticipating it with dread because the thought of spending this holiday season without someone they have lost feels unbearable. What used to feel like welcomed anticipation has turned into deep sadne
ss and trepidation about what it will be like to go through this season without the person they lost. If this is how you are feeling this holiday season, give yourself the space you need to grieve as you move through it. Here are some ideas to honor the person you lost during the holiday season and to help you on your journey through grief. 

Find ways to honor and remember the person during special moments and celebrations

• Nothing can replace the desire to have the person you lost with you during the holidays. However, you can honor how important they were to you and your family in special ways during the festive season. Was there a favorite dish or dessert that was always made by or for that person? Maybe you and/or a friend or family member could make that special dish together and serve it during a celebration. 

• Was there a certain tradition you always enjoyed with that person? What would it be like to take part in that tradition, either alone or with another loved one in memory of what they loved to do during the season? These could be traditions like going to special places to eat, viewing decorations, watching a seasonal performance, or going shopping at a special store you only visit during the holidays. 

• During a meal or celebration, think of a way you would like to honor the memory of that special person’s presence. You might want to add an empty chair to the table, set up a picture or light a candle nearby as a way to remember them during times when they would have been with you. 

• 
  Think about writing a letter or holiday card to the person you lost. Express what you are missing about not having them with you during the holidays. Tell them how much they mean to you, especially during this time of the year. Write down a favorite holiday memory you shared with them. Tell them what you will do during the holiday season because you know they would have loved to hear it. 

• Make a list of the many things you are thankful for about the person you lost. What are you grateful for when you think of that special person? What did they teach you about yourself, others and God that has meant so much?  How did they make you feel loved, understood, cared for and valuable? How will their impact in your life live on through you? Maybe after you are finished with your list you can do something special with it in remembrance of the person.

• Look at photos from past holiday seasons that include the person you lost. If this feels like too much, then give yourself permission to wait on it. As strange as it sounds, you can schedule specific times to grieve. This can be especially helpful in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the holidays. You can do this by setting a time alone or with others to look through pictures and share or remember memories of the person and what you enjoyed about being with them during this time of year.

Be kind and flexible with yourself

• Everyone’s grief journey is different. No one had the relationship with the person you lost like you did and that means your journey in grieving will look different than others. Grieving is also not about moving on as quickly as possible or trying to force yourself to move into a new normal before you are ready. In an allegorical story depicting the process of grief titled “Tear Soup,” we journey with a woman named Grandy who has recently experienced a significant loss. In order to grieve such a big loss, she begins the process of making what she calls tear soup. The soup is made with ingredients unique to her specific loss. One by one she adds her memories to the soup, the good and hard ones along with the sad and memorable ones. As she begins to make tear soup, she says “Grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.” 

• During this holiday season, give yourself the space to take each day one at a time, deciding what you need as the day progresses. You may have initially thought you were feeling up to attending a holiday celebration, but then realized later that you needed to limit the time you were there or not go at all. During a holiday meal, you may need to give yourself permission to step away for a few minutes to have time to yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed. 

• Notice the expectations you’re feeling about grieving during this holiday season. Are they healthy expectations that will help you as you travel on your journey through grief or are they harsh and demanding, requiring you to ignore what your body and heart are needing? Grief has physical components as well as emotional ones and they can be different for each grieving person.  Set kind expectations for yourself this season and be willing to be flexible if those expectations need to change.

Experiencing the holiday season after losing someone you love can feel overwhelming and that’s okay. Grieving is an important part of healing after a significant loss. I am always moved by the story of how Jesus models grief for us in the book of John, chapter 11. In this story, Jesus arrives after the death of his dearly loved friend Lazarus and sees his friends and family mourning. What’s interesting about this story is how Jesus joins the mourning of his friends and weeps along with them, even though he knows he will raise Lazarus from the dead soon afterwards. I think Jesus knows how deeply important it is to grieve when we lose someone so important to us. I also think this story tells us something about Jesus’ tenderness and nearness to us in our grief. Instead of standing back in stoic silence, He instead enters into the journey of grief alongside us with compassion and comfort.

At the end of Tear Soup, Grandy reflects on her journey through grief and says, "I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it. I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you...and most importantly, I've learned that there is something deep down within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive." 

Although it can be hard to risk inviting people into the journey of grief with you, consider letting a trusted friend, family member or counselor walk with you as you grieve this holiday season.

To schedule an appointment with Megan Brewer,

Please call our office at 407-647-7005.

www.lifeworksgroup.org