Is My Marriage Problem Because of Me, My Spouse, Or Something Else
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
Going to marriage counseling isn’t always easy. Sometimes clients can leave counseling after a couple of sessions with more questions than they walked in with. Before counseling it is common for one or both partners to question whether the problem is me, my spouse or some other dynamic that is causing issues. Some problems are clear cut such as cheating or addictions, however, sometimes the problem is due to personality and interactions.
What most couples do not recognize is that the problem is usually both of them. They are failing to realize that the main client in couples counseling is the relationship itself. Every person has their own “stuff” and it’s up to each person to handle their stuff. If you own it, then you are challenged to take responsibility for it. The same goes for your relationship. Going to counseling is the first step of taking responsibility for your marriage. However, the counselor’s office is not the place to start blaming the other for all the problems and why you are not happy. It’s okay to share thoughts and feelings, however some people go to counseling thinking it’s the place to argue and hammer out their displeasures.
Think of your marriage as a third person in the relationship. There is you, your spouse and the relationship. Marriage counseling is much more effective if you take the relationship into consideration. If you want to just blame the other then at this point you are hijacking the relationship for things to go your way. The relationship needs to be nourished and respected the same way you would your spouse. Before taking action, good or bad, ask yourself whether or not it’s for the good of the relationship to take this action.
A relationship needs to have meaning, purpose and direction just like any one of us. If you have not defined this in your relationship, then together as a couple establish these things as a priority. This gives the relationship an identity so it can be relevant for both partners which provides focus and a sense of commitment. When a relationship has focus and is intentional, it has direction and the couple can feel better about having a partnership together.
Too often couples go to marriage counseling and end up arguing for most of the session. This leaves the couple confused, directionless, hopeless and frustrated with the experience. It’s not unusual for them to quit prematurely. For the counselor it can feel like trying to referee two children fighting to get their way. However, if this fighting were to be a team, where the couple can come together and fight to fulfill the meaning and purpose of their marriage. Then perhaps there might be a positive outcome. If you spend as much time fighting for the marriage as you did trying to fight each other then you might have something worthwhile.
When a couple works together for the good of the relationship, they are challenged to be responsible to each other. It’s key to understand that there is a difference between being responsible “for” each other and being responsible “to” each other. Responsible “for” another is doing things for them, which is a variation of codependency. Responsible “to” each other is making sure you do your part to support and uphold the definition of your relationship.
Relationship conflict is never just one person’s fault with a few exceptions. However, as an individual and a couple it’s up to you to decide what those violations consist of. This is why it’s very important to define and give your relationship an identity. For example, as a couple you establish some moral codes. When one of those definitions gets violated, such as no lying, stealing or cheating, and a boundary is crossed, then you can call the other out and tell them that their behavior isn’t consistent with who we agreed to be.
Sometimes in counseling, the therapist is challenged to try and figure out how the couple has defined themselves. Couples can be married twenty plus years and still not know who they are. The counselor has to go back and help them figure themselves out so the right problem can be addressed. This can be very time consuming and is often not what the client wants to hear. The client is often looking for a quick fix and not addressing the “real” problem which is the relationship itself is the victim in all of their problems.
Here are some lasting questions to consider if you
are having a relationship or marriage problem. “Am I experiencing a problem
because of my own stuff?” “Am I experiencing a problem because of my spouse’s
stuff?” “How are we not taking care of and honoring the relationship?” As a
couple, decide what the real problem is without blaming each other. Blame leads
to shame and defensiveness and usually doesn’t resolve anything.
Comments