How To Draw Boundaries With Difficult People
By: Brian Murray, LMHC, NCC
Relationships are meant to be one of life’s greatest joys. Yet, these same relationships can bring a source of pain and discomfort. Developing a relationship with someone new happens when we are drawn to them for various reasons. It’s typical to not know that there may be some sinister personality underneath all of that charm. This superficial charm and seemingly confidence can make us feel like we have met someone who we want to be a part of. Confident, funny, possibly good looking, after all, what could go wrong, right?
There are many reasons for thinking someone is ideal. It could be the subconscious survival mate selection part of the brain getting activated. It could be that the person fits our bias’s and worldviews of who we think we should be associated with. This is more than romance, we can find ideal people with friends, a boss or other family members who seem to have it all together. Only to find out later they are a real piece of dysfunctional work.
If you aren’t too involved it’s easy to walk away and move on. But what if you are invested, such as with work or marriage? What do you say to your spouse or a boss when you feel like you are being treated unfairly? You don’t just walk away from either one of those without at least some kind of extensive planning. Drawing a boundary just may be the thing you will need to survive a dominant, arrogant, or manipulative person.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a personal limit. It’s a limit that is established by how much you are willing to engage in undesired situations and behaviors. This limit defines where you end and the other begins. Think of a boundary as a type of rule you establish for yourself. When you experience certain behaviors, then you will do certain things to protect yourself from those undesired things.
Difficult people can come in many forms. Narcissists, manipulators, power and control seekers and the list goes on. These personality types often seek out people they can easily dominate, control and influence as their victims tend to have no real sense of personal autonomy. Manipulators only want what they want and do not care much about how other people feel.
Relationally, manipulators idealize people who are compliant, kind, lack confidence and self-esteem. They typically have a dominant personality and seek out those who can be easily influenced and used as an extension of their grandiose personality. These ideal people are easily influenced due to a low prevalence of boundaries and so the strong personality invades and takes over.
If you identify as someone who seems to get run over and dominated by people who have a strong personality, take heart. Or perhaps you feel like people in general tend to run over you and seems to be an ongoing theme in your life. Developing your boundary muscles to limit these imposing behaviors just might be the answer you are looking for.
How To Develop Your Boundaries
Most importantly, you must learn to get assertive. This may be hard for some people; however it could possibly be the best you could ever do for yourself is to speak up. Like anything else in life, boundaries and placing limits on others requires practice. The more you practice the better and easier it gets.
You can start by increasing the word “no” and here is how to start doing that. Pick one personal goal you are going to complete by the end of the day. Say “no” to everything that comes your way until you complete that personal goal. Just don’t get fired from your job in the process. Remember, this is a personal goal. Boundaries with a bad boss is a subject to be written about at a later time. When you begin to say “no” to yourself, it later pays dividends in being able to say “no” to others. You will begin to get a sense of your first boundary which is with yourself. This reinforces your internal dialogue of saying “no” to something or someone before you verbalize it externally.
Once you get into the routine of drawing boundaries with yourself, it’s time for the next step which is externalizing your boundary with others. The first habit to get into is to develop some level of being assertive. If you struggle with being assertive it can be helpful to find a trusted friend or family member to practice with. Some people have gone their entire lives without being allowed to have a voice of their own so it may take some practice to learn how to speak up.
When faced with a dominant manipulator, understand that you have personal rights in any situation. It’s okay to express them and say “no” to demands you cannot meet. Speak directly to the person, shoulders square facing them and use “I” statements, hands out of pockets and arms unfolded. Hands in pockets demonstrates hiding and shrinking and folded arms can be interpreted as defensive or guarded. Gently clasping your fingers in front is okay and avoid putting your hands on your hips as this communicates a power position. Make eye contact without glaring into them. This is about demonstrating confidence, not control. This squared up non-verbal stance exudes confidence and greatly lowers your chances of being a target.
Next, express your thoughts and feelings honestly and with appropriate emotions. Avoid “you” statements as these can feel accusatory and spark defensiveness and arguments. An old expression works well here, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters.” Like Winston Churchill once said, “diplomacy is a way of telling someone to go to hell in a way they look forward to the journey.” This communicates to the other that you are in control of yourself and know how to take responsibility for your actions. Nothing communicates confidence like direct expression with limited emotion.
Be direct and be serious about what you have to say. Be clear in what you are communicating in your boundary message. It may look something like, “I feel this way...when...happens...and if it happens again I will…”. Avoid making threats and simply state what you are going to do for yourself. Another strategy is to think to yourself about what you are going to do the next time you experience certain undesired behaviors. Make a rule for yourself such as, “I don’t argue with people who are mean or arrogant.”
The benefits from implementing boundaries are an increase in positive mood and an overall happiness in life. When we take care of ourselves while engaging with difficult people, we experience less stress, lower anxiety and a reduction in depression. We increase our self-worth by honoring ourselves and taking care of our dignity.
A few things to watch out for. With a narcissist, expect them to push back on your boundary. Never argue with a narcissist, you won't’ win unless you have a really good attorney. They may even try to turn it around on you and create confusion about your boundary. They are notorious for making others second guess themselves. This is called gaslighting, or chaos manufacturing. The narcissist will try to keep you confused. They do this to make themselves feel like they are in control. Stick to your boundary and reassert yourself if needed. Do not let them steer you off your path. If you slip with a narcissist, they will delude themselves into thinking you are moveable and not respect the boundary which only encourages them to continue.
A word of special caution. Sometimes certain manipulative personality types are an indication of someone who is not safe. These people are controlling and power hungry and will resort to abusive tactics to try and retain that feeling of power and control.
Signs of abusive people include name calling, insults, patronizing, public humiliation, yelling, threatening, jealousy (without cause), accusations and ridiculing things that are important to you such as family and religious beliefs. They may track you, follow and stalk you, or look through your phone to see who you have been talking to without reasonable suspicion, isolate you from family and friends, limit access to money or force unwanted sex.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is trying to control you through abusive behaviors, then it’s time to get out of that relationship or call 911. Do not be afraid to call the police if needed. Draw that boundary and be serious about not getting hurt. Get an escape plan, see a counselor or call the National Abuse Hotline for additional help at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
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