What Do Children of Divorce and Third Culture Kids Have In Common?

 By: Megan Brewer IMH

When a couple with children divorces, their children’s lives change forever. One significant change is the custody arrangement. Before the divorce, the child lived in one house where both parents created one family culture in the home. But when the parents divorce and separate, each parent creates a new family culture different from the one they had with their previous partner. When custody of a child is shared, the child now has two home cultures, traveling from one family culture to the other, often on a weekly basis. To understand a child’s experience in more depth, it can be helpful to look through the experiential lens of a Third Culture Kid.

What is a Third Culture Kid (TCK)? A TCK is a child who has been raised in a culture different from their parent’s home culture during important parts of their early development. Children with these experiences are called TCKs because they have to blend two different cultural experiences into one and create a new third culture inside themselves. The learned experiences from their parents' culture and the experiences from the culture in which they are raised combine to create a third culture that is unique to the child’s experience. It is important to understand that this process is taking place during the child’s developmental years before they have a chance to build a cultural and personal identity of their own. 

Let’s look at an example of a TCK: Alex was born to American parents and spent the first couple years of his life in the US. Alex’s parents then took jobs overseas and moved to Asia. Alex spent the next 12 years living in a culture very different from that of his parents. He went to an international school with children from around the world. He learned to speak the local language, but spoke English at home. He engaged in sports and extracurricular activities different from the traditional ones his American cousins played back home, but he was also taught to appreciate the American sports his father enjoyed. He celebrated unique holidays with local friends, but also celebrated holidays from America at home with his parents. When Alex’s family went back to America for a visit, he had to adjust to different social expectations and styles of relating to friends and family. When Alex graduated from high school and returned to the United States for college, part of him felt American but another part felt Asian. Neither America nor Asia truly felt like home or like they encompassed all the different dynamics of who he had become.

Children who spend their developmental years in two different homes because of shared custody have similar experiences to a TCK. Children who move back and forth from one parent’s home to another are adapting and re-adapting to different home cultures every week. For example, they may always spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma when they are with Mom, but when they are with Dad, they spend it with the whole extended family. For their birthday, Dad may throw surprise parties, but Mom always makes their favorite cake.  At Mom’s house, they go to bed at 8pm, but Dad lets them stay up as late as they want. At Dad’s house, they are only allowed one hour of screen time on their phone, but Mom lets them use their phones for 4 hours. Mom has an open door policy and people are always stopping by, but Dad keeps things very scheduled and they only see certain family members. They have to be careful what they say at Mom’s house because she will get upset if they talk about Dad, but Dad gets upset if they show anger or frustration in the home. 

Since children in split custody homes are continually adjusting to two different home environments, they naturally develop a third internal home culture. This can be difficult for parents in a split custody situation because their child develops behaviors, feelings, beliefs and relational styles that fit in one parent’s house but do not fit the culture of the other. If one parent is emotionally unavailable, the child may learn to avoid emotional connection during that parent’s week but then many have a hard time opening up when they return to the other parent who wants to connect with them.  

Just as TCKs often do not feel they belong in any one culture, so children in split custody can struggle to feel like they fully belong at either parent’s house. Even though they may have their own room and belongings in each home, there is a part of their developing personality and experience that does not fit completely in either space.

It can be difficult for children living in two homes to understand the uniqueness of their experience because children will not always know how to articulate or make sense of these experiences. It is easy for younger children to believe there is something wrong with who they are if they struggle to belong in either home. Validating the difficulty of transitioning between homes and helping them understand the challenges will help the child emotionally and physically navigate the unique challenges they are experiencing. 

It is important to give children time to adjust when they return from spending time in the other parent’s home. It is easy to forget how much work their brain is doing to help them adapt to so many repetitive changes. Since children in this situation have to navigate the validity of what they experience in two different homes, they will need more help articulating what they are feeling and thinking. It is the parent’s job to help them process their feelings and thoughts as well as help them find ways to make the transitions less disruptive. 

Becoming aware of the specific challenges children may face as a result of growing up in two different homes can help everyone involved in the child’s life understand their unique experience. Just as it is important for TCKs to work through and make sense of growing up with two different cultures, so it is for children growing up in two homes. Working to help children understand their unique experiences can open the door for them to see the unique abilities and strengths they are developing as a result.