5 Ways To Handle An Annoying Family Member During the Holidays

By: Brian Murray LMHC, NCC 

You’re sitting at the table and ready to have that amazing Thanksgiving dinner. Grace has been said and everyone is about to dig in. That’s when it hits. That one family member who suddenly blurts out a comment about prayer and Thanksgiving as a misperception based on erroneous theology. Suddenly everyone gets quiet like they just had the breath sucked out of them.

Holidays are supposed to be a time of gathering, gratefulness and joy of being with family. It’s a time to be festive and have fun. However, every now and then, there is that one family member who, for whatever reason, grates on your last nerve. They may have a host of reasons for their behavior. They may have a toxic personality, other mental health issues or been hurt by religion The truth is, we simply don’t necessarily know what is responsible for their actions.

In a situation like this, one of the most difficult things to do is find a way to manage ourselves instead of trying to manage others. People who are annoying can trigger defensiveness because we want it to stop, change or go away. This never works because we cannot change another person or how they choose to behave. 

It can be easy to fall into a trap of trying to argue, defend or explain during a disagreement, while the other party does the same. This leads to a point versus counterpoint debate or confrontation which leaves everyone at the table uncomfortable, creating a lot of irony in the whole concept of Happy Thanksgiving. Suddenly not everyone is very happy.

So what can we do when encountering someone that rubs us the wrong way? It’s important to stay out of the victim mentality since we have choices in how we handle ourselves. Here are 5 ways to help with responding to that annoying family member:

1. Stay time sensitive. Keeping perspective of how long you will be around the annoying person can help with patience. Even hurricanes don’t last forever. They blow in and blow out. Remind yourself that it's only for a day, maybe a few if they are visiting. The idea is to remember that your time together is short and your internal conflicts end when they leave.
2. Their problems are not your problems. If someone has an opinion, let them keep it. It stays right there with them. Thoughts are property and so they can sit in it and manage it. You cannot manage other people’s property so consider yourself an observer. 
3. Just say nothing. You may feel like you have to say something - don’t. Opposing viewpoints can make us feel obligated to counterpoint, or become defensive, especially if it’s your home, which can make the situation feel territorial. 
4. Change the subject, quickly. Instead of being controversial, talk about what you want to talk about. Pick a subject that everyone can relate to, such as food or other activities. Simply turn to the person next to you and ask what they have been up to. If someone at the table has had a recent event worthy of mention then talk it up so the whole group can chime in. This is a great technique to make the squawker feel like the awkward one as their subject quickly gets overrun.
5. Go neutral. This might be a difficult concept to follow, but it’s about the art of rolling resistance. This is about believing everything and nothing at the same time which creates objectivity. The naysayer’s words are heard and dismissed simultaneously. People say things for various reasons and for them, creating controversy could be nothing more than attention-seeking or it could be pathological.

The solution to a Happy Thanksgiving is to honor yourself and your family by practicing influence. Your behavior towards a naysayer speaks volumes about your character. Influence can also lead others to an exit from an awkward conversation. While it’s important to respect the freedom of others to have their own opinions, we are also deserving of dignity and respect. This is modeled by how we act or react in difficult situations.

Happy Thanksgiving!  

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