How Your Perspective Impacts Your Relationships

By: Megan Brewer IMH

Have you ever noticed how seemingly small miscommunications can quickly turn into large arguments? One minute you’re discussing a particular topic and the next you’re swimming in the deep waters of emotional hurt and misunderstanding. How does this happen so quickly? 

Brian and Alicia were asking themselves the same question after a seemingly innocent conversation about how to spend their evening turned into a painful argument that left them both feeling hurt and misunderstood. It was Saturday evening and Brian and Alicia wanted to get out of the house and go to dinner. They thought they both understood what was meant by “get out of the house and go to dinner,” but that is where the first misunderstanding happened. While each of them only communicated the desire to have dinner out, Brian thought that meant they would leave their options open. Alicia, on the other hand, had a slightly different idea. She had in mind a restaurant where they could sit outside, enjoy the evening air and not spend too much money. They set out on their drive and before long were finding it difficult to agree on where to go. Alicia thought they would start at one end of town and work their way through the restaurant options because she had vaguely suggested something to this effect while they drove. Brian had agreed to this but had a different idea about where they would start their search. As they drove around town, Brian and Alicia became more and more frustrated with each other, feeling like the other was not listening or understanding. In frustration, Alicia said firmly, “turn here,” in an attempt to get Brian to drive past a row of restaurants. Picking up on the tension in Alicia’s voice, Brian reacted by stopping the car in a parking space and angrily asking if she would like to drive. That was it. Both had had enough. Each feeling misunderstood and justified in how they felt, Brian and Alicia started fighting. Similar themes from previous arguments started rising to the surface about how Brian felt he couldn’t do anything right and Alicia felt like she wasn’t being understood. The argument escalated as both raised their voices in accusatory statements until they decided to just give up and go home, riding back to the house in an uncomfortable silence.

What happened? How did a night out for dinner turn into a huge argument that left both Brian and Alicia feeling defensive, hurt and misunderstood? To understand this, we must go back to the beginning when the conversation about going out to dinner first took place. It can be easy in our relationships to assume the other person understands exactly what we mean when we make a statement or express a desire. We do this because we are so used to thinking through our own perspective that we forget how many other ways there are to understand something. 

• Brian and Alicia made a lot of assumptions at the beginning of their evening. Neither one was really aware of their own expectations or the other’s expectations for having dinner out. As a result, they never stopped to clarify just what it was they were thinking about with regard to picking a restaurant. 
• They both failed to really notice when they started feeling like the other wasn’t understanding their perspective. Both could feel the tension rise in the car as they drove, but neither one addressed it. If they had, their conversation could have been something like: “I’m starting to feel like we may not be on the same page here. I want to understand better what you are thinking and want to be better at articulating what my thoughts are too. Being on the same page and working together is important to me and I know it’s important to you too.”
• When Brian and Alicia failed to notice they were misunderstanding each other, both ended up responding out of frustration and hurt. Brian had not realized that Alicia was feeling misunderstood and was caught off guard by the tone in her voice when she gave him directions. Alicia was hurt by Brian’s reaction to her when he pulled the car over and didn’t think it was fair for him to get angry. Both reacted from their perception of what had happened instead of pausing to ask questions or clarifying. 

It took some time before either one of them was willing to come out from behind their emotional walls of hurt and anger to talk about what had happened. When they were finally able to talk calmly, they learned valuable information about the other and themselves. Alicia was able to explain how she thought the way Brian was navigating in the car meant he didn’t care about what she had been suggesting. This triggered the familiar feeling of not being important - a familiar struggle for her. Brian was able to explain that when he was growing up, his mother would belittle his father often in the car by demanding he do things exactly the way she wanted it done. When Brian had heard Alicia give a driving command in a frustrated tone of voice, it triggered these past experiences in the car with his parents. When those memories were triggered, so was the feeling of inadequacy he often wrestled with inside of himself.

Both Brian and Alicia listened to one another. They didn’t interrupt when the other was talking and both validated how the other one felt, even if they had not intended for the other to feel that way about the situation. They were both able to take responsibility for the assumptions they made and the way they had reacted when emotionally triggered during the argument. Through empathy for one another and self-reflection, they were able to ask the other for forgiveness and understand better what they personally needed the next time they found themselves in a similar situation.

We all live our lives through unique lenses or perspectives that shape and tint the way we experience others, ourselves and the world around us. These perspectives work like an interpretation machine, taking in information from the world around us and making meaning from it. The better we understand how our perspectives were shaped, the more aware we become of how we make meaning from our experiences with others. Taking time to understand why you think, feel and respond the way you do will help you communicate better with the people you love and will help you seek to understand their perspectives better as well.

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