Alone with Anxiety

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By: Megan Brewer IMH


The ability to be alone with oneself without a rush of anxiety or an overwhelming wave of bad feelings moving through the body can feel impossible to someone who struggles with being alone. If you’ve ever wrestled with the fear of being alone, you know what I’m talking about. Even now as you think about it, the memory of a time when you were overwhelmed with being by yourself may flood into your mind, filling your body with dread and sadness.

You might be remembering the long evenings when you found yourself alone and struggling to feel ok. Maybe you were planning an activity with someone and they canceled on you. Or maybe you remember a stressful season of your life where being alone with your thoughts and feelings felt like being thrown into a tailspin.

What is it about being alone with ourselves that brings such anxiety and fear? When we are alone, we do not have something or someone else to draw our attention away from ourselves and our own experience. For a brief moment when we realize we are alone with ourselves, we come face to face with a part of us that we normally avoid, ignore or run over with distractions. We are confronted with the anxious uneasiness that lingers just below the surface, but is never given any real attention or time.

When we find ourselves alone, and this previously avoided part of us comes to the surface, many of us try to distract with something, anything, in order to run from the feeling. We jump on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat to feel some semblance of connection to the outside world. We try to busy ourselves with daily tasks or find ways to keep ourselves occupied and distracted. We know if we sit too long alone with ourselves, we will have to confront a neglected, fearful and lonely part of our heart that is desperately in need of our attention, but feels too scary to attend to.

So what can we do when we feel this way? It is common when negative and uncomfortable feelings arise to begin judging ourselves for what we are experiencing. We may start rehearsing subconscious scripts like, “There isn’t a good reason for me to feel this way,” or “I’m the only one that struggles with this; what is wrong with me?” If we instantly judge ourselves for our feelings, we make it even more difficult to attend to the part of us that is trying to be heard. Judgement shuts us down. Validation helps to open us up. Instead of attacking yourself for how you feel, offer yourself compassion by saying something like, “I acknowledge that I feel really anxious or uncomfortable being alone right now and that’s ok. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when confronted with a part of myself that doesn’t get very much attention.”

Next, start being curious about the part of you that comes out when you are alone. What are the ways you have dealt with this part in the past that may not have been kind or helpful? What situations make being alone more intolerable than others? Do you get caught in a spiral of emotionally beating yourself up or criticizing yourself for your failures? What does the feeling of being alone remind you of? What memory does it awaken in you?

Once you’ve spent time being curious and exploring the fearful part that comes out when you are alone, ask yourself what you need. You might discover that just the experience of tending to the distressed part has allowed you to practice sitting with your own experience and becoming more comfortable in your own body. Maybe it has produced insight into a part of yourself that now requires some more thought and action. Spend some time journaling or writing a kind letter to the part of yourself you just encountered.

Learning to be at home in our own experiences requires a turning towards instead of a turning away. So next time you find yourself alone and the uncomfortable and overwhelming feelings begin to rise, take a deep breath, turn bravely towards yourself and begin with compassion and curiosity to engage your own heart. If it is hard to find the kindness you need for yourself, start by imagining you were talking to a loved one who you deeply value. Let your care and kindness for that person transfer to your own heart until you learn to own it for yourself.

To schedule an appointment with Megan Brewer,
Please call our office at 407-647-7005.
www.lifeworksgroup.org



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