Love vs. Infatuation
By Nate Webster, LMHC
Understanding the difference between
love and infatuation is important. The two get confused on a regular basis, but
have very different definitions. There are three differences between love and
infatuation.
Love is about
mutually giving, infatuation is about individualistically receiving
Infatuation is about getting what
you want out of the relationship and usually results in turning the other
person into an object. A kind of romantic, emotional vending machine, where you
want them to give you what you want.
You want them to say what you want to
hear. You want them to feel the way
you want them to feel about you.
Infatuation generally turns someone into a product, something to be used
to get what the person desires. People who are infatuated often have a fantasy
in their head and they make the other person an extension of that fantasy,
projecting onto them all the characteristics and expectations of that imaginary
person in their head. Love, however, is about mutual giving back and forth.
Love says that I get some things and give some things, but I never get it all.
Love says that I am living my life with this person, but this person isn’t my
life. Love does not turn the other person into a vending machine to just get
things from. It understands that everyone has their own thoughts, feelings and
worldviews, including partners.
Infatuation is short
lived, while love lasts
When Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
had a 10 million dollar wedding that lasted 72 days, they couldn’t have given a
better example of how short-lived infatuation can be. Infatuation is all about
chasing a feeling, it’s a fake love driven by emotional
highs, and the buzz that comes from romance. When a relationship or marriage is
built on infatuation, the feelings of “love” as well as the relationship will
be short-lived. As Kim said herself, she got "caught up in the hoopla.” Unfortunately
it seemed that Kris was on a different page saying, “I love my wife… and I am
willing to do whatever it takes to make it work”. True love is about commitment despite what
will happen in the relationship, while infatuation is about staying together as
long as the buzz and high of love are there.
Infatuation wants to
rush intimacy, while love wants to explore who the other person is
Whether it is physical or emotion,
infatuation likes to rush emotional and physical intimacy regardless of how
prepared or unprepared the relationship may be for it. Relationships aren’t
much different than a house. You can’t put on the roof if you don’t have the
walls and you can’t put on the walls if you don’t have the foundation.
Infatuation is always looking to put on the roof before there are even walls or
foundations. This may look like sex on the first date or before marriage, or
asking personal questions before there is even trust. It may look like moving
in or going on vacation together before you even know each other. It may even
look like making demands on someone before you are even close or dating. Infatuation
tends to be about that fantasy and that rush that comes from romance, thus the
tempo and speed of infatuation tends to be dysfunctional. In contrast, true love
is about exploring who the other person is. The difference between exploration
and rushing is speed. An explorer understands that he doesn’t know everything
about the cave he is walking into; that he must respect the cave if he wants to
enjoy it. The explorer knows he can only become familiar with the cave once he
understands it. Infatuation wants to rush in to see what it can get and in that
case, the explorer is usually not concerned about what he breaks in the
process.
I hope this Valentine's
Day your relationships are filled with love and not just infatuation. However, if
you are leaving an infatuated relationship or want help turning your
relationship into love, then give us a call at The LifeWorks Group. Counseling
is a powerful process that can help you learn, grow and transform the difficult
areas in your life.
To schedule an appointment with Nate
Webster,
Please call our office at
407-647-7005.