How to Recover after a Narcissistic Relationship
By: Christine Hammond LMHC
One of the
defining characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a lack of
accurate perception of reality. The narcissist sees the world through a
self-absorbed lens in which they are the stars and others are there to support
and serve them. Those attracted to the narcissist are dazzled by the
superficial self-confidence, convincing opinions, charming personality, and shocking
persistence. The non-narcissist
frequently abandons their personal beliefs, standards, morals, and values in
exchange for peace within the relationship.
But this
is where the seeds of dysfunction are laid. The non-narcissist is unaware that
their desire for peace is actually a slow corrosion of their identity. As a
person becomes relationally entangled, the distorted perception of the
narcissist now dominates nearly every aspect of their life. There are new
expectations for what to wear, how to act, who to spend time with, when to engage,
and where to be. The more the non-narcissist follows the rules, the less
clearly they see reality.
Life
becomes a filtered lens controlled solely by the narcissist. This foggy view
limits a person to see real danger and keeps them on high alert. The survival
instinct kicks in as they settle for an anxious environment wrought with fear
of disappointing the narcissist sadly believing this is living. So when the
relationship ends, it is no wonder the non-narcissist struggles.
The stages
for recovery are slow but well worth the effort as in the end, a person can
regain their identity and thrive. Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial
Development is used as the foundation for recovery because it highlights the
need to begin from the beginning and rework nearly every aspect of a person’s
life.
1. Trust vs. Mistrust. In a narcissistic relationship, the
non-narcissist is conditioned to only trust the narcissist in all ways of
thinking, behaving, and emoting. Any differing opinion, including their own, is
shot down and torn to shreds. Recovery must begin with learning to trust the
perception of others, especially with those who understand the unique dynamics
of this relationship.
2. Autonomy vs. Doubt/Shame. The narcissist frequently uses doubt and
shame to subdue their partners because at the heart of narcissism is a person
struggling with their own shame. Reversing this pattern means the
non-narcissist must make their own decisions even if they are poor. The natural
discovery process of learning from mistakes and suffering consequences develops
autonomy.
3. Initiative vs. Guilt. The narcissistic ego rarely appreciates their
partner taking initiative in the relationship. Instead they accuse the
non-narcissist of trying to “control them” or “take over”. If there is one tiny
hint of truth in those statements, the non-narcissist feels a parallelizing
guilt. Gaining back initiative involves trying new things, exploring
creativity, engaging with different people, and rediscovering favorite
pastimes.
4. Industry vs. Inferiority. During the relationship, non-narcissist
quickly discovers that what they do, think, and emote is always inferior to the
narcissist. The narcissist’s constant need for superiority won’t tolerate a
partner of equal or greater value. Reversing this pattern requires new
thinking. The non-narcissist must constantly remind themselves that, “I am good
enough” and “I do do good work.”
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion. Remember the old Pac-man
game where the goal was to gobble up as many lesser blobs as possible? That is
what narcissists like to do with the identities of others around them because
this gives them more power and influence. The non-narcissist is frequently
confused as to where the narcissist ends and they begin. Separating from this is
difficult as the non-narcissist will need to try on various identities until
they find one that is comfortable and best represents their true selves. This
is the most time consuming stage.
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation. Narcissists can’t be intimate because
even they don’t like their inner self despite the superficial bravado. As a
result, the non-narcissist must settle for a relationship where both parties
live in isolation. But outside of a narcissistic relationship, there lies the
possibility of true intimacy. However, a person cannot be intimate with another
person until they accept and know who they are. That is why the previous stage
is so vital.
7. Generativity vs. Stagnation. The self-absorbed
nature of a narcissist prevents them from giving back to others unless there is
some type of outward benefit. Even within the relationship, the narcissist will
expect far more than they give in return. Once outside the relationship,
non-narcissists find pleasure in guiding others out of the narcissistic fog and
into the new reality.
8. Wisdom vs. Despair. A person who stays in a
narcissistic relationship long-term develops a sense that this is as good as it
can get. They put aside their own wants and desires in exchange for the narcissist’s
wishes. Their sacrifice is a silent surrender that few realize or appreciate.
But when the narcissistic relationship ends, the wisdom the non-narcissist has
gained from surviving the ordeal is staggering. Not only has the fog fully
lifted, but the gained perception is crystal clear.
Recovering
from a narcissistic relationship takes time. The longer the relationship
lasted, the longer it takes to recover. Most don’t see stage six for at least a
year. Be patient, there are many good benefits that can be gained from taking
things slowly, which of course flies in the face of the demanding, “I want it
now” narcissist.
To schedule an appointment with Christine Hammond, please call our office
at 407-647-7005.