Managing Grief Through the Holiday Season
By: Nancy Tikunoff, IMH
Ah, the holiday season is upon us. The
celebrations of life and love with family and friends are ushered in from the
harried pace of life with the Thanksgiving respite and much feasting. Close on
its heels the attention turns to the Christmas season which, again, is closely
associated with family, community and relationships. The merrymaking continues till
the end of the year with one last hoorah for closing out the year and ringing
in a new one. Again, times replete with gatherings of those we love who are an
integral part of our lives.
But then something so unexpected (or
maybe expected but nevertheless dreaded) occurs, an event that seems so out of
keeping with the laughter, joy, activities and traditions that define the
holiday season for us. The accident no one saw coming. The sudden, unexpected
illness or a long-term battle with aging finally ends omeone we love dies or it’s the anniversary
of the death of someone that we love and miss dearly. They are no longer here
to participate in all those things we enjoyed and found comfort in doing
together at this season. All too quickly, what was a time of excitement, great
memories and forward-looking good times has become lackluster at best and
agonizing at its worst. All of a sudden, the beautiful turning colors of the
fall leaves now just look like something that used to be alive, green leaves
that have now died. The first chill in the air seems much colder than it used
to be. The twinkling lights almost seem to be tears instead of bright, cheery
decorations on the tree. Death has shown up uninvited and unwanted at a most
inopportune time.
One of the most heart-rending
experiences that I ever had was working with a Survivors of Suicide support
group during the holiday season. I remember one person in particular had lost
an adult child a few days earlier to a violent suicide. Her pain was so wrenching
that she reminded me of the biblical story of Job, who sat mute, unable to even
speak for a week due to his overwhelming, crushing pain. As much as she desired
to sleep throughout the entire holiday season and be awakened when it was all
over, she couldn’t. When a tragedy occurs, we must acknowledge that it has
happened because life won’t let us do otherwise. Bereavement is a normal
response to the death of someone we care about with feelings of sadness, tears
and crying being appropriate reactions. Our beloved has transitioned to another
address and we cannot bring them back or change the timing of their departure.
Because the world doesn’t stop for us, even though it seems like it surely
should, we have to keep moving even if it’s at a very slow pace. How does one
survive the death or death anniversary of a beloved that has died during the
holiday season? Here are a few ideas that hopefully will ease your journey
through the holiday season, if not your pain.
Self-care is key.
You are
vulnerable and it is time to handle yourself with care. Prepare as much as you
are able to for going through all that the season entails. Activate your
support system (family, friends, church members, neighbors, grief support
groups) and call on them.
Being
around family and friends
Pace
yourself. Plan some time alone but also some time with others. A balance of
both will probably meet your needs best.
Don’t be
caught off guard if you are subjected to insensitive remarks or misguided
actions of others. For example, people may treat you differently because your
situation causes them discomfort. Your loss has reminded them of the
uncomfortable fact that we are all vulnerable to loss just like you were.
If you
were a couple, you may now find other couples uncomfortable sitting with you or
inviting you to outings.
Gatherings/Outings/Celebrations
Plan to
take your own vehicle. That way you can leave when you’ve had enough.
Arrange
with the host/hostess beforehand a place you can go to be alone if you become
overwhelmed.
Communicate
your desires to guests. If it’s okay to sit in “his/her chair” invite others to
do so. If you want to talk about the deceased, say so or do so.
Acknowledge
the deceased’s missed absence; that there’s an empty place at the table this
year but they will always be an important part of your life.
Initiate
an activity to remember the beloved – have guests share a favorite memory of
them or light a candle in their honor.
Traditions
In making
decisions about holiday decorating, do whatever you need or don’t need to do.
If he/she always put up the tree and you just can’t bring yourself to get it
out of storage, you don’t have to. Keep it simple by downsizing - maybe a table
top tree will suffice this year. Families including grandchildren can respect
your sadness and lack of desire to celebrate. If they don’t understand, most of
them will give you grace and be able to get past it because of their love and
respect for you. Your heart is broken and it’s okay to let that show.
The same
rule applies for the expected traditional holiday meal that everyone is
accustomed to enjoying. There’s no rule that says you can’t change things up
this year – have the guests bring dishes instead of you doing all the cooking.
Order the meal and have it prepared from a local grocery store or catering
service. Create a new tradition this year – have Mexican or Italian food if it
takes the sting out of the meal tradition for you. If family insists on having
the usual decorations and meal preparation, then ask them to take care of it
for you because you are not up to it.
Honor
the deceased person.
There are
a multitude of ways to incorporate the honored memory of the deceased into
holiday celebrations.
- Attend
a memorial. Many community agencies (funeral homes, hospice, hospital,
churches) now offer annual remembrance services to honor deceased loved ones.
- Gift a
donation in memory of your beloved rather than give gifts to each other.
- Create
a tree ornament with “message gifts” that the loved one would have given if
they were alive. For example, a small note inside an ornament that says “From
John to Kim. I give you my love this year and wish you joy and happiness for
the New Year. Always, John.”
Dose
your grief.
Allow
yourself to fully cry and grieve for 10 minutes during your day then go back to
your activities. Feeling and experiencing the pain of grief is necessary for a
complete healing; however the pain can be titrated or doled out in manageable
pieces so that you are not constantly overwhelmed. While you don’t always have
control over when emotions come crashing in, often times, you can. Take advantage
of those times.
When
Grief Goes Astray
Some types of death
increase the pain of the loss because of the nature of the death. Situations
such as death by suicide or homicide that involve the legal system or multiple
losses at once in an accident or over a short period of time can complicate a person’s
grief process. In addition, the sudden or violent nature of a loved one’s death
can rock our world to the core. Bereavement is a normal response to a valued
loss. However, if a grieving person finds that they are experiencing a
deepening depression or wracked with unrelenting guilt or shame it is time to
seek out professional assistance. Counseling and coaching will provide tools that
can help you rediscover your equilibrium in life.
Some
helpful resource links for you:
healgrief.org (has a section regarding loss of pets)
taps.org(specializes in military deaths/survivors)
https://www.dukehealth.org/sites/www.dukemedicine.org/files/mourners_bill_of_rights.pdf
(The Mourners Bill of Rights)
About
Nancy: Having experienced a deep grief
experience early in life as a result of the sudden, unexpected death of my boyfriend
in a vehicle-train accident during the holiday season, I know the deep,
prolonged sorrow that the death of a beloved can bring with the added pain of having
it occur during the holidays. As such, I feel compassion for others of all ages
who are on the grieving journey and I advocate for the bereaved to care for
themselves well and allow their healing to take place at their own pace. If you
find that you need professional assistance in your grief process, I would be
privileged to assist you.
Nancy
is a Registered Nurse, a Professional Life Coach and a therapist. She holds a
Master’s Degree in Health and Wellness and a Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing as
well as a Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling. Please contact Nancy by
email to make an appointment at: LifeWorksgroup@aol.com or by calling 407-647-7005. You can
read Nancy’s biography at www.lifeworksgroup.org under Blogs.
