Scared of School - Warning Signs of Bully Behavior and How to protect your Child
By: Dwight Bain
For helpful resources to save time by solving other parenting challenges from a Faith based perspective visit:
http://www.LifeWorksGroup.org/
http://www.Family.org/
School should be one of the safest places instead of a scary place
because of bully behavior. Yet the recent number of horrifying acts of violence
from bullies toward shy and introverted kids has everyone concerned, from the
President to local school and law enforcement officials. However, the most
important group to take positive action to protect their kids at school is
always their parents who are the most tuned in to the needs of their
children.
It is essential to know what to look for in protecting your child
from the dangers of bully behavior.
Here are the classic warning signs of a child who is being
victimized by bullies:
- Talking about being scared to walk to school
- Acting scared to ride on the school bus
- Plead for you to drive them to school instead
of ride the bus
- Develop a phobia about going to school
- Act sick on school mornings
- Lie to avoid school.
- Skip school
- Failing in school work
- Have mysterious broken or damaged books,
backpacks or torn clothes
- Always hungry, (from bullies taking
lunches or lunch money)
- Verbal changes, especially stammering or
inability to express fears
- Develop eating disorders, inability to eat or
excessive over-eating
- Discussing suicide or threats to harm
themselves instead of going to school
- Develop sleeping disorders, active night
terrors or nightmares
- Mysterious disappearance of personal
possessions, (cellphones, ipads, etc)
- Missing money or stealing money to bribe
bullies
- Silence about the major changes in their
behavior
- Mysterious appearance of bruises, cuts,
scratches or broken bones
- Passing on the pain by bullying younger
siblings
- Major changes in behavior, completely
withdrawn or totally aggressive
- Lies and deception to cover up all of the
major changes in behavior
(If you aren’t sure how to spot the more dangerous warning signs
from gangs, weapons, substance abuse or when a fight is going to erupt, there
are a number of web links at the end of this article to give you greater
insight of what to look for, and more importantly, what to do to keep your
child safe).
Here are five key strategies you can use to protect your son or
daughter from bully behavior at school or in the community.
1) Listen to your child’s fears and frustrations
Sadly many of the kids who felt like committing suicide to escape
bully behavior held all of their fears and frustrations inside until they began
a self-destructive cycle ending in their death. Bully behavior at school is not
a new problem. However these days there are dangerous gangs and violent
individuals in or around just about every school environment. Sometimes the
bully violence comes from neighborhood gangs, but it’s far more likely that the
threats, harassment, intimidation, fights or acts of violence will come from
someone inside your child’s school. Student’s who use weapons against other
students, like the Virginia Tech or Columbine shooters for example, often make
threats long before acting on them. It is essential to listen to what is going
on so you know how to respond.
Become more involved in talking about safety with your child,
instead of just talking about academics or daily activities. Ask your kids
direct questions and then really listen to their fears and frustrations about
what’s happening around them at school. Keep the conversation age appropriate
and allow your child to do most of the talking as you hear about their
experiences with bullies or other situations that might have made them feel
uncomfortable or afraid while at school, (Remember to change the conversation
slightly depending on the ages of your kids and the pressures they may be
facing at school, since it’s important to talk about safety to kids of all ages
so they know what to do to stay safe while at school or away from their
parents).
2) Get involved at their school & ask direct questions to
teachers and administration
The greater the level of parental involvement the greater the
chance that your child’s school will have less intimidation from bullies. When
kids are involved in healthy after-school activities like sports, music, drama
or scouting they are less likely to be in a dangerous situation, because
everyone is engaged and involved, instead of bored or detached. Parents can
spot and then quietly solve a lot of problems that may be in the ‘shadows’ by
getting more involved in the lives of their children and encouraging greater
involvement in healthy activities. Sometimes the easiest way to avoid becoming
victimized by bully behavior is to be involved in activities with others
instead of feeling insecure and isolated when threatening people or situations
come along.
Kids need their parents to be involved in their lives at every age
and life stage, either as classroom volunteers or to help with after school
sports or extra-curricular activities. The extra support for your child builds
a greater sense of connection and self worth since these activities are
essential to develop important social skills and personal confidence. It also
provides another set of ‘eyes and ears’ on the school campus to notice what
pressures your child is facing from their peers.
If you see anything that makes you feel uncomfortable don’t be
afraid to bring it up to your child’s teacher, school administrators or school
safety officers. Also, if you are unsure about the safety at your child’s
school to deal with more serious crisis events like school violence, then ask
to see a copy of their critical incident preparation training guide, or school
safety plan so you can review it with your son or daughter and then pass it
along to help other parents as well.
3) Use national media events as springboards into serious
discussions with your child and their friends
Much of the televised news reports about death by suicide to avoid
school bullies is shocking to say the least, however, you can use news stories
from the paper, television or an Internet news source to bring the facts of a
national story out in the open to then ‘springboard’ into a more personal
discussion with your son or daughter about how to deal with issues they might
one day face on the local level at their school.
This can especially be important with older teens who may believe
they are invincible to the harsh realities of violent and aggressive bullies
who direct their rage toward innocent people in public places, especially
schools. Something about seeing a group of crying teens gathered around a
makeshift memorial to honor their fellow classmate who died tragically makes it
more real… because it shows regular kids, just like them, who were victimized by
dangerous bullies at or around school. Asking, “what would you do if
you saw someone being bullied in a locker room?”, or “does
anyone at your school make threats to hurt you, your teachers or other
classmates?” are all ways to get directly involved in protecting your
child, as well as preventing the next breaking news story about another school
tragedy from happening on their school campus.
4) Have open family meetings about bully issues on a regular
basis, don't go silent on this potentially life-threatening issue
Every family should have regular discussions on how they would
need to respond to bully behavior. Education officials encourage parents to
have a plan for their personal safety should bully behavior happen against
them. Knowing what to do and then reviewing that plan monthly will remove a
significant amount of panic because planning removes panic.
If your son or daughter received a threatening note or heard about
an act of violence from a bully, do they know who to call to protect
themselves? When your son or daughter has insight on what to do when facing a
bully they are better equipped to manage their fears, instead of internalize
them which can build up into self-destructive behavior.
5) Pray for your children, for their friends, their class and
their teachers
We can prepare our kids to know how to respond to bullies at their
schools, but ultimately we can’t protect our kids from everything. Bullies can
infiltrate just about any school setting. However, we know that God is bigger
than any bully and that He is always a safe place to turn throughout the hours
of the day when we can’t be there to guard our kids.
Many parents have the habit of praying for the safety and strength
of their kids throughout day when they are apart. Why not give it a try so you
can move from feeling scared about what you can’t do, to feeling secure in
knowing that God always hears your prayers. Moving away from panic through
prayer is a powerful way to get through any crisis and it’s a great practice to
model for your kids. When your children learn to pray as their first step in
dealing with pressure situations, they will have a remarkable power and peace
in dealing with any situation, at school, work or in personal relationships as
they grow into an adult. Prayer is a life skill that makes any situation easier
to deal with, because you don’t have to carry your problems alone.
The bottom line is to take positive action to protect your child
from experiencing more pain in the future from bullies at school, in the
neighborhood or anywhere they may face tough people who want to intimidate
them. Building your child’s confidence now will protect them for a lifetime.
For more detailed information about school bullies to review in
preparing to talk to your kids visit:
US Department of Education http://www.ed.gov/category/keyword/bullying
National Crime Prevention Council http://www.ncpc.org/
For helpful resources to save time by solving other parenting challenges from a Faith based perspective visit:
http://www.LifeWorksGroup.org/
http://www.Family.org/
Most of all - never give up on staying connected and involved with
your child's life. The more engaged you are, the more you can be their safe
place against the challenges they will face in every grade. You never stop
being a parent, and in protecting your children from bully behavior you are
protecting them from a lifetime of pain..
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About the author- Dwight Bain helps people re-write their story to find greater significance and success. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2014), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain helps people re-write their story to find greater significance and success. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.