Back to School Bullying: A 5 Part Series on Parental Guidelines for Dealing with Bullying
By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC
You’re all excited for the new school year – the
kids and so are the parents. They’re looking forward to friends, events and who
knows, maybe even learning something cool. Parents are looking forward to
getting the kids out of the house and seeing their kids grow and learn new
things. However, no one is looking forward to dealing with a bullying
situation. And yet, it happens. And I mean a lot. The website nobullying.com
reports that 90% of all students in grades 4th
through 8th have reported being a victim of bullying and Dosomething.org cites
that “Over 67% of students believe that schools
respond poorly to bullying, with a high percentage of students believing that
adult help is infrequent and ineffective.” Bullying can
be physical aggression or fighting, but also can be mocking, insults, threats,
shaming ridicule, ostracizing a child, stealing from them and more. This first
installment in the series will address dealing with physical and verbal types
of bullying. Part two of the series will take a look at psychological bullying
and also will delve into some more bold or direct ways of dealing with bullies.
And then there’s the whole huge category of cyber bullying. I’ve dedicated part
three of the series to addressing this particular type of bullying.
Bullying comes in innumerable shapes and sizes.
It’s going on all around us and many teachers and parents are unaware of it or
worse yet, ignoring it. Dosomething.org reports that, “1
in 4 teachers see nothing wrong with bullying and will only intervene 4% of the
time.” I
have, unfortunately, often heard that even when parents learn of the problem
and go to the school, that the school’s response is very unsatisfying, from
pretending to take action, to just plain doing nothing. I’ve dedicated the
fourth part of the series on how to deal with the school in bullying
situations. The fifth part of the series will involve mental health strategies
for your family.
Let’s get started. I would like to outline some
helpful strategies for kids, teens and parents for dealing with this pervasive
and difficult social problem. Most of the strategies provided will be most
applicable for kids above 3rd grade due to their cognitive and
expressive requirements. Children younger than this would be best served by
direct interventions by adults anyway.
1. Warning signs
It seems that the older kids get
the less likely they are to report and talk about the bullying they are
experiencing. Look for changes in behavior or demeanor:
o
Academic performance decreasing
o
Excuses to miss school or the bus
o
Increase of health issues or
complaints (anxiety and stress can produce GI issues and lower one’s immune
system)
o
Missing personal items or items torn
o
Sullen, withdrawn, depressed state
I absolutely must
comment here on a terrifying issue that is growing in our country (and in
others) – and that is teen suicide. Suicide has become the 3rd
leading cause of death in the 10-24 age bracket (CDC.gov). There is a
correlation between bullying and teen suicide, although other factors seem to
be present as well. The point is that we must take issues of bullying and its
effects on victims seriously. You’ll want to be aware of the signs and not take
them lightly.
2. Showing Wisdom
When you able to find out
bullying is taking place, I think many parents would be drawn into emotionally
intense responses of anger and plans to swiftly intervene. Let me encourage you
to temper your responses for the sake of your child. Certainly express your
concern and that you care and that you will help. But your demonstration of
calm and wisdom at that time will model to your child strength and wisdom that
they need to develop and will show that you are a capable and trustworthy
advocate.
3. Provide Guidance
Learn about the circumstances and
situation of the bullying to structure a plan for your child to respond.
If
the bullying is physical in nature:
o
Parent and Child report the incident(s)
to the school and seek a meeting with school personnel. I’ll cover working with
the school in part 4.
o
Coach the child to avoid situations or
locations in which they would be alone – find a buddy.
o
Go through scenarios with your child,
coaching them on their options:
§ Explain
that you believe that your child can be strong and can address the bully – that
they are just another child.
§ Approach
#1 – if there are bystanders around – focus on the crowd instead of the bully
and seek a comrade. Rehearse how he/she could draw a third party or parties
into the interaction. “What do you think of this guy?” “Does everyone here
approve of what he/she is doing to me or intending towards me?” “What if this
was happening to you?” And even, “Hey, I could use a little help here, as this
is really unfair.”
§ Go
over it with them a number of times. By rehearsing it, you do more than just
help them prepare for what to say, you are also reducing the intensity and fear
and giving them a reason to have some confidence. “I have some idea on what I
can do and I am not trapped and powerless.”
§ Consider
preparing your child for a physical confrontation, including defense training.
I’ll be providing more ideas on direct confrontations in part 2.
If
the bullying is verbal in nature:
o
Assess the emotional effects on your
child – how fearful or hopeless are they feeling?
o
Talk through with them how you believe
in them – affirming what you see in their character.
o
Go through scenarios with your child:
§ Model
to them ways they can address the bully. Explain that in the past kids were
encouraged to just ignore bullies but that it didn’t work. Explain that they
can win by choosing the middle ground between avoidance and retaliation – of
being wise and savvy with their responses. Explain that if they just lose it
emotionally that it will encourage the bully, because that was what they hoped
to get out of you.
§ Assess
with them the potential for the bully to become physical with them. Are they
aware of this person being physical with others, or could they be bluffing? Talk
about how a strong and emotionally neutral response is what is needed to deter
the bully.
§ Review
with them ways to respond and let them chose one to practice. The idea of these
approaches is twofold, first, to show the bully that the child is not rattled
by the bully (you aren’t getting me), and second, to show the bully that the
child is a real person, not merely a tool they can use to gain notoriety.
§ You
could try simply to change the subject and ask them about themselves. “What did
you think of that new movie that just came out?”
§ You
could respond by pretending to be a good sport and act like they are simply
being funny and then attempt humor – although not attacking or ridiculing
humor. “Hey, that’s a good one. I am pretty skinny. Did you see the funny You
Tube about…”
§ Another
approach is to just confuse them by doing something unexpected. You’ll want to
discuss together what to try so as to rule out expressions that would be
perceived as directly taunting or mocking, although sarcasm can be useful.
We’ve only
just begun to cover the variety of ways that young people can be hurtful and
malicious. Parents absolutely need to be equipped to guide their children
through these challenges, because kids don’t have what they need to
successfully navigate it on their own resources. But they can make it with your
involvement!
Stay tuned for part 2, involving direct
interventions with bullies and addressing psychological types of bullying.
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