Why the 'Whys' Don't Matter
By: Laura Hull, LMFT
From the shock and horror that emerged following the murder
of twenty first grade students and six adult school employees, came the
questions in the minds of so many, “How did this happen?” And more to the point “Why did this
happen”? The police and investigators
have now shifted into the mode of trying to make sense of something that makes
no sense. Dutiful news reporters calling
in live feeds from the town remind us that the search for why this happened is
ongoing; with the promise “We will keep you updated as details emerge…” As any
good investigator will verify, and for that matter, any reporter worth his salt
will attest, when trying to get a complete picture of the story, certain
questions must be answered.
Investigators will try to answer the “how, who, what, when, where, and
why.” I submit it is important to answer all the above questions except for
one: the why.
When tragedy visits, it is a very natural human response to
want to know “why.” Why did the young
man take a gun into the school, look into the eyes of children, and fire
multiple times? Why did the teen
shooters in Columbine have a death wish and the determination to take fellow
classmates with them? Why did a group of
extremists carry out jihad in the skies over New York City ? Why? Why, God, why?
As a counselor, I am often asked things such as, “Why is
this happening to me?” “Why did my
spouse cheat on me?” “Why am I depressed
all the time?” “Why can’t I do anything
right?” There’s a very human desire to
try to understand why bad things sometimes happen to good people. We are raised to believe that if we “live
right” then bad things will not touch our lives. Even though we know on a conscious level that
life is not fair, we struggle to understand WHY it’s not fair. It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to
solve the riddle of the whys.
I have never been to Newtown . I do not know anyone personally touched by
this tragedy. Most of us don’t. Yet I have had a sick feeling in my stomach
since the story broke. I have six
children of my own, and this story scared me.
It hit me hard; far more as a mother than it did as a therapist. I thought of those poor children and the fear
they must have felt. I thought of those
poor parents and other family members whose lives were shattered. I believe it is an incident that we will
always remember “what we were doing when”….As a rational therapist, I know the
odds of this happening at my children’s schools are slim in the grand scheme of
things. Yet, I hesitated in sending my
children to school today. In the battle
of my professional side vs. my mother (human instinct) side, Mama won.
In my practice, I often caution clients against getting
caught up trying to figure out why things have happened the way they have. It expends a lot of time and energy that can
be put to better use. It often does not solve the problem. In Newtown ,
police are interviewing witnesses and investigators are attempting to restore
the destroyed computer of the young man that perpetrated this horrific
crime. But in truth, regardless of what
is uncovered, it does nothing to change the reality of the situation. Maybe this young man had a personality
disorder or an autism spectrum disorder.
Maybe he didn’t. It doesn’t
change anything. Some would argue that
understanding why this happened could potentially prevent similar events in the
future. Maybe. Maybe not.
The investigation into the lives of the teens behind Columbine yielded
some insights into the motives of the criminals. It did not prevent the shooting at Newtown .
Understanding the motives and intent of the criminal masterminds behind
the 9/11 attacks did not prevent Benghazi .
Whatever is uncovered in the investigation in Newtown , it will still not answer the question of
why. On some level, I believe the real
questions our hearts are asking include “Why did You allow this to happen,
God?” “Did Your eyes turn away when Adam
Lanza entered that school?” “Did You not hear the cries of those 20 Children?”
As a person of faith, I know that God is in control. I know this at the core of my being. Psalms 46:10 should always be a source of
comfort. I know better than to ask God
why. We know some things are beyond
human understanding. There will be many
dark days ahead as our country struggles with the reality of what has
happened. I cannot imagine what the
parents waiting at that fire station experienced when it was announced that
there were no more survivors in the school.
I have worked with grieving individuals throughout my career, and yet my
mind could not even go there.
In the days ahead, there will be both good and bad things
that will emerge from this tragedy. The
good may involve the community pulling together to support one another. Nationwide, it may bring out the desire to be
better or more attentive parents. It may
inspire some to re-examine and re-dedicate to their faith. Perhaps more focus will be put on mental health
issues and what we need to do to provide help to those who struggle with mental
illness. On the other side of the coin,
this tragedy runs the risk of becoming a political hot button, with guns and
finger-pointing being front and center in a debate. The horror of December 14, 2012 will change
our country permanently. Whether or not we ever have a complete understanding
of why it happened, it is important that we understand how this happened. How this
young man obtained the guns is important to preventing future events. We already know the who, where, and
when. Finding out how Lanza’s plan came
together may reveal things that prevent future tragedies from occurring. But trying to
understand “why” has the potential of yielding nothing more than “if….then”
scenarios, such as “if we find out that Lanza was mentally ill, then we can
understand why this happened.” “If we
ban guns, then this will never happen again.”
Any beginning philosophy student will admit this is faulty thinking;
merely a slippery slope. It does not
provide comfort or real meaning. It’s
grasping at something, anything really, that attempts to make sense of the
senseless.
When clients ask me to help them understand “why” something
happened, I often ask them how it helps to know “why”. It’s usually a surprising question to them,
one they struggle to answer. The best
answer I’ve ever received in response was “if I can understand it, then I can
have closure”. I can understand why
people feel that way at times. But
understanding something does not change the reality of what has happened, and
more importantly what must be worked through.
As our country works its way through the stages of grief - which it will
- regardless of whether or not we ever find an answer for “why” a young man
committed this heinous act, healing will begin.
It’s a process, but it will happen.
Our task is to do what we can to help the process. Perhaps there’s never been a better time to
apply the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr