Are You Making Your Kid Angry?
By Chris Hammond
Technically, no one can “make” you angry unless you give
them that right. While it may seem as
though the actions of another person are “making you angry”, in actuality it is
your set of experiences, emotions, beliefs, and ideals that cause you to get
angry. For instance, one person may
become angry at being cut off while driving while another person may not even notice
the action. The difference between the
two people is one person took the action as a personal offense while the other
person did not. The person cutting you
off did not “make” you angry; rather you became angry because of how you
perceived their action.
So while another person can’t “make” you angry, you can
“make” your kid angry. Why the double
standard? Because your kid is a child
and you are an adult. With maturity comes
the ability to temper or control your responses which is the idea of having
“self-control”. But for a child, they
have not reached this level of maturity and are unable to demonstrate
self-control so they display immature behavior which is characterized by a lack
of control over their responses.
Literally, you can “make” a kid feel a certain way because they are not
fully in control of their responses.
Therefore, as the adult, you are responsible for “making” your kid
angry. Ephesians 6:4a warns, “Fathers (and mothers), do not provoke your
children to anger by the way you treat them.”
But just how are you “making” them angry?
Not listening.
Easily hands down the number one complaint kids have about their parents
is that they don’t listen to what they are saying. Too often as a parent, you are trying to get
your point across and don’t stop long enough to make sure you understand your
child’s point of view. Then, because
they are a child, often they really don’t know what they are really thinking or
how they are feeling, so they default to anger.
No, they are not able to speak clearly, they are a child. No, they are not able to counteract you point
by point, they are a child. But give
them some time and soon as teenagers they will become more and more like you,
not listening and counteracting you point by point.
Assuming the worst.
Just to make things more complicated, kids don’t always say what they
mean or mean what they say. While this
is a nice lesson to teach them, assuming the worst motive or attitude about
your child sends a subtle message that they are not valued or their opinion is
not valued. This brings on anger in your
child just as you get angry when someone assumes the worst about you. When you assume the worst about your child, they
interprets this as “I am no good”, “I can never do anything right”, or “I am to
blame for everything”. The negative
consequences of a child learning this at a young age is that it will not leave
them as an adult. For the rest of their
lives, they will struggle with a positive self-image which you helped to foster.
Seeing yourself in them.
When you see your child behaving and speaking just like you while making
all the same mistakes you made, there is almost an immediate angry response on
your part. It seems to come out of
nowhere, one moment you are able to speak calmly and the next you are flying
off the handle. There is no rhyme or
reason except that you were triggered by a past event or mistake and watching
your child suffer through the same mistakes you made is more than you can
handle. The problem is that your child
doesn’t understand your anger and they instead internalize it. They become angry with themselves for
“making” you angry. In the moment, you
child is not likely to respond badly but give them a couple of years and the
resentment will build and turn to intense anger.
Ok, so you have
made a few mistakes or more likely, made more than a few mistakes in “making”
your child angry but it is not too late.
You can stop “making” them angry by simply doing the opposite of what
“made” them angry. You could listen to
what they are really saying, you could assume the best about your child, and you
could divorce your behavior from your child’s behavior. After all, they have their own journey to
make based on their own decisions and it is not necessarily the same journey
you have made in life. The decisions they
will need to make in the future are made best when not heavily influenced by
anger from their parents.
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"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2012), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Chris Hammond is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15 years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children, teenagers & adults.