5 Ways on How to Filter the Negatives in Your Life
By: Brian M Murray, MS, IMH
Have you ever been around someone who is so negative that
you find them almost disturbing? I’m talking about the kind of negativity that
when the person speaks you can feel your life energy being sucked right out of
you. And here it comes, that disheartened feeling that goes something like “ugh,
I can’t take this anymore, if this person vents their spleen one more time I am
going to scream and run away.” Unfortunately for some that is exactly what
happens. People leave their jobs, friendships and even marriages because the
repeated clanging of negativity is more than they can tolerate.
Negative people can affect work production (commonly called
the office flu), increase feelings of depression, anger and anxiety (which
happen to be negative emotions), and the list goes on. Like Eeyore from Winnie
the Pooh, these people go through life pointing out what is wrong with
everything and seldom look for the positive. What a heavy load they are
carrying and they are seeking others to help them carry it. It’s like the old
cliché I learned as a young man from my grandparents that “misery loves
company.” Unfortunately there are many people in our lives we simply cannot
avoid such as co-workers and family.
If you identify with this type of person in your life, here
are a few things you can do to stop letting this type of person get the
“better” part of you.
Mental Filter: A mental filter is being able to objectively
listen and decide how to interpret the statement being made. Observe the
thought, how rational is it? Filter it in your mind and look for a positive
viewpoint. When they realize you are not willing to be their personal sounding
board they will become discouraged and exit the conversation. Think of how a
negative and a positive of equal proportion equals zero.
Rolling Resistance:
This is about going along with the person without buying into it. Some
people have the unique gift of being able to find the negative in any
situation. There is no rule book out there that says you have to respond if you
don’t want to. The idea is just to nod and with a few uh-huh’s or yeah-okay’s.
It’s like water on a duck, just let it roll off.
Utilize Distractions: In the middle of their grumble, ask them
a question completely unrelated to what they are talking about. Tell them you
have some things you want moved and if they could give you a hand. There are
many things you can come up with to get the negative person’s mind off of their
thought process. Think of a detour sign in a road and how to get them off
subject.
Walk Away: This isn’t about something extreme such as
quitting your job or divorce. It sounds more like, “I would love to chat but
I’m late for a meeting, appointment, run errands etc.” Do not wait for a
response or feel a need to explain yourself. Grab a few things, smile, “see ya
later” and just go. While this may sound like avoidance it’s not. This about
managing your exposure to the negativity.
Call Them on It: If you care about this person, point it out
and tell them about how you feel. Sometimes people do not realize what they are
doing and the impact it has on others. Sometimes they can use a little help and
may thank you later for it. Calling out others however can create a defensive
posture. To reduce this risk, address the person in a respectful manner
addressing the behavior and not attacking or being critical.
While these are a few things that can help immediately there
are times when it is not enough. Sometimes unbearable work conditions and
maladjusted family systems can wreak havoc on people. Feelings begin to creep
in leading to thinking that divorce or a major life change will be the only way
out. If you find this to be the case, there could be a deeper underlying issue
that needs to be addressed. There is no sense in living a life in misery and it
may be time to seek the help of a professional.
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