Sarcasm & the Stealth of Anger
By: Brian M Murray, MS, IMH
A little tiff breaks out between two friends and suddenly
one of them has enough and blurts out a common saying “whatever” and stops
talking. While this seems meaningless and benign in nature sarcasm unseen
intention is often a defensive move. Anger is a natural and common emotion and
what we do with it makes a big difference. The use of sarcasm with phrases such
as “whatever” or “just saying” is a withdrawal defense mechanism intended to
defend and protect true feelings. It is a pulling back by being passive and
becoming emotionally uninvolved.
What happens over time is the person using these types of
phrases keeps stuffing their feelings down inside. If someone stuffs their
feelings unconsciously the defense mechanism is known as repression. Over time
the continual stuffing of these feelings begins to build up leading to self
destruction. It is at this point the anger, being stealthy, morphs into another
defense mechanism known as displacement. Displacement is directing the stuffed
feelings onto someone or something that is not as threatening. For example,
someone gets angry, says “whatever” (withdrawal) and then walks away and
punches a hole in the wall (displacement). There are many different types of
defense mechanisms and these are a few for demonstrative purposes.
Defense mechanisms are emotional coping responses to stress
and anxiety in an unpleasant situation. The intended purpose is to reduce
feelings of apprehension. When anger is expressed appropriately it can signal
to others that you are upset leading to resolve. This is about being assertive
as opposed to being reactive, aggressive and destructive. One important factor
to remember in dealing with anger is it belongs to the person who has it. Take
ownership of it and manage it. Projection onto others is another defense
mechanism in an attempt to avoid dealing with the feelings associated with
being angry.
Some questions to ask while trying to manage anger are; what
am I reacting to? What is pressing my buttons? Is my reaction appropriate to
the event I am faced with? Reaction formation, another defense mechanism, is
about accepting beliefs that are exaggerated beyond the degree of the stressor.
There are many more defense mechanisms that can be associated with anger. Anger
will and often does change from one defense mechanism to another. Anger can and
is often stealthy and shape-shifts until is it is appropriately released.
While there are many ways to deal with anger, here are a few
steps that can help get started; recognize anger by taking note of the
situation that triggered it; express yourself in conversations using “I”
statements in a respectful manger toward others; exercise or take a walk and
cool off; find a friend or other person to talk it out and finally start
journaling. Talking, walking and writing can be healthy and effective ways to
express yourself and release anger.
“Consider
how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very
things for which you are angry and grieved.” ~Marcus Antonius
